The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this forum and I guess I kinda need to know the do's and don'ts firstly.
Also would like to share with you some recent events .
So here goes, my brother in law (husbands brother) is an alcoholic. His entire family and to a certain degree my husband and I are struggling with this. I guess for me the issues are that this man lives with his parents and is in constant contact with me and my children. (5 and 2) He has been living there for the last 3yrs and we all have been enabling him throughout. He is on long term sick leave x3yrs and receives a pension that supports his drinking
I guess I came to a breaking point this morning and called the local police department to alert them to his potential impaired driving. I had thought of keeping this to myself but ended up telling my husband. Of course I received a less than supportive response.
I came to this site today after a falling out with my spouse in that he has asked me to no longer talk to him about this issue on a daily basis. He feels that he has come to terms with the fact that his brother won't recover until he is ready and he is right. But I don't believe that doing entirely nothing and allowing him to continue to do what ever he wants is any better.
I worry that when he drives he may be intoxicated. We never know when he drinks or stops. All I can confirm is that he smells of alcohol all the time. The bonus effect of him getting caught is firstly a natural consequence and keeping my community and family safer and secondly this will make it harder for him to have access to the booze.
Anyways this e-mail is long enough. I guess I am just looking for a venue to vent and ultimately receive support.
In alanon, we tend to say that we should just leave the alcoholic be - protect ourselves, but otherwise stay out of his business. In your case, this would mean doing things like making sure he is never left in charge of your children, not lending him money, not depending on him, that type of thing. However, it really is not your job to sober him up - thank goodness, because if it WAS your job, it would drive you nuts as it can't be done. It's also not your job to 'fix' your husband and inlaws - yes, they probably are doing things wrong, but that is not your problem. Your responsibility is your own happiness, that of your children, your relationship with your husband, what happens in your home.....
Keep the focus on you, making sure you are satisfied with your own behaviour. Protect yourself from the alcholic's unacceptable behaviour. And give your husband the dignity to have his own relationship with his brother, just as you have your own.
In this program, one of the first things we hear is to "detatch" from the alcoholic. This means, in essense, to pull back emotional involvement with the alcoholics drinking and behaviors. Sounds like your husband is on this track already, at least by your post.
I encourage you to try out a few Alanon meetings. I understand you feel like you have to do SOMETHING. Find out what you CAN do from other members. Get the support you need, as you are not getting it from your husband. In his defense, he's doing his best to "let go" and detatch in his own way. But if you can't get the support YOU need, come and check out the Alanon groups for your support.
The "do's" of the program are many . . . DO get support for yourself, DO tell your story, DO educate yourself about this disease and DO seek to find out what you can do to keep the alcoholism from affecting you and your family as much as possible. The "don'ts" are pretty limited :D DON'T focus on the alcoholic to the exclusion of your family and yourself! This is not your problem unless he comes over to your house smashed and obnoxious or abusive.
I agree with the concern about him driving drunk, calling the police may or may not make much of a difference. Your heart is in the right place. We all share this concern, believe me, and have done or "not done" a variety of things to make ourselves feel that we've done our part. After that, all we can do is pray or let it go.
Feel free to come and vent whenever you like, jump in on other conversations too. I'm glad you found us, and working with the tools you'll find WILL help you, I promise :)
Hi Carole and welcome to MIP. Please remember that your relationship with your husband is 1000 times more important than getting yourself emeshed in brother-in-law's problem with addiction. Hubby is right: You cannot do anything to stop this, and you cannot do anything to even make brother-in-law consider stopping until he is good and ready. So I come to the conclusion that your best posture is one that keeps you away from the problem. There is nothing you can do, so do nothing!!
I have no problem with you alerting the police of his drunk driving. I believe that keeping a drunk from killing themselves or, God forbid, someone else is of paramount importance, and deserves our intervention.
All best wishes to you, your husband, and your dear children,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 16:34, 2007-09-28
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Carole Welcome to the forum Kim - love ur word re the post as a welcome!
Carole you arrive as we are on our seventh step - its as great a place to start as any.
Recently, a post here suggests the many paths to working the program, including to sing one's way thru the steps / program / is even to sing.. Very precious share and we have a lot of precious kids here. Just remember some of us may not seem like-able and some of us you will love - today's reading 9.29 is a perfect discussion re the process - it says to simply listen and learn.
Some kids will get rattled by what is said and will express it, I have to remember that even I will not be liked - gasp - gasp - lol - and we r constructing a fyi for the newcomer post as I am typing, to help with the process of being new. Welcome aboard dear one :) oceans of love getoverit
Glad you found Miracles in Progress. Keep coming back!
The second post at the top of the board "frequently asked questions" has so great information that can help you with those "do's and dont's". It is still a work in progress, but has some really good stuff!
Welcome Carole! As the others have said keep coming back. Find a f2f meeting as well if possible. The others have stated pretty clearly we do the best we can and detachment is key. Many times the best we can do is nothing. Protect yourself and the kids. I believe in limiting the exposure of kids to this as best I can. I kept my kids away from my mothers house while my A brother was living there. I just explained to my Mom that they didn't need more exposure to this than they already got from their own Dad (hes out of the house, too for now). My Mom understood, and eventually he did move out. Now they go over again. Of course, she was always welcome to come see them over here.
That's how I handled it in my situation.
Anyway, you are not alone. We do understand. Glad you're here.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Welcome to the MIP family. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. I do agree with Diva, however about calling the police if you know he is driving drunk. I can't abide by people who knowingly do nothing if they know that a person is driving while intoxicated, be it an addict or not. The person I could be protecting from getting hurt could be a person I love.
Having said that, you can't get him sober. They have to not only want it but be ready for it. I would stear clear of b-i-l (like I do mine) if know they are high or drunk. I no longer say anything to my sister about it because she is not interested in her recovery and that's her choice. All I can do is work on mine and hope hubby continues with his. It's hard to see people you know and care about slowly succumb to this disease. It hurts so many people, more than they know. Yes, your inlaws are most certainly enabling him. But that doesn't mean that you have to. All you can do is take care of you and do what's best for you and your family. Please keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you for all your responses. I wasn't able to log on this weekend. I will take from each and everyone's feedback. This will certainly be helpful for me to understand I guess where my husband is at. All the time I thought I was further ahead than he was but I think after reading about detachement that he is a little further ahead. This has been great and thanks for the comments about the reporting to the police. I was really having a difficult time on a personal level with that particular issue.
