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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Is this healthy?
Post Info TOPIC: Is this healthy?
natbrat


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Is this healthy?
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I'd love some feedback on this decision I've made. I'll keep it short and sweet.

My sister has always been a mean drunk. WE live on different sides of the continent and have kept in touch over the phone, infrequent visits and letters. Our relationship has always been strained. My Mom thinks her nastyness toward me is collateral damage stemming from my sister's anger toward our Mom. Manifestations of her imbalance are mostly forgetting things she says over the phone, constant lies and cover ups, being nice for a conversation or two and then completely ruining all repore and closeness with condecending, brutal and alienating comments, more lies...and evaporating for months at a time (even at one point changing residence and phone and not sharing with with Mom and I). Bottom line, I've experienced an ongoing progression (if you can believe that) over the past few years since she added pills and God knows what else to her list of addictions. This is a country club lady folks...golfer, bowler and worker (of course all her co-workers always hate her for how harsh and judgmental she is...and how she always let's them know they're lower forms of life) she is not like some homeless drunk chick. I have spent years, in recovery myself, in therapy - working the 12 steps - asking God to guide me in growth and continued compassion - more therapy and just plain growing up myself and increasing my self knowledge resulting in a more gentle, tender and compassionate way of dealing with the outside world. When I found out I was pregnant 5 months ago and shared it with her...I basically never heard from her again. I have felt the feelings of anger and abandonment...but moved on to focusing on forgiveness and just letting her be (this abandonment, even if it wasn't added to so many others...was a biggie)...however....I have come to clarity that this relationship is just too painful. I hear my spirit say over and over....I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'm unwilling to have my sister in my life on any level until she is sober for a period of at least 2 years (believe I know how long it takes to grow out of this kind of crappy attitude alcoholism after 19 years of sobriety), attending meeting regularly, has (and uses) an AA sponsor and works the 12 steps a few times. I have a child to think about now and don't want her bummer crapola spreading all over my child after years of this myself. It feels good to have made a decision to protect myself and hopefully someday give her a boot in the ass to sober up...but in any case....a part of me says that you never give up, always must keep family in your life no matter how abusive and unhappy the association...you know the deal...family is family. Please dont think I'm not forgiving and bitter...I love her more then ever now that I dont have to talk to her or be in apprehension of the manifestations of her disease that really negatively effect me...sorry I'm not an insulated saint. I dont hold a grudge...I just want her to go her way...and me go mine until she is a more healed and less abusive individual...at which time I'll be so glad to have a new and more human sister in my life.
Feedback is greately appreciated!

Hugs all around

Natalie




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Kim65


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Welcome to MIP Natalie!! It's wonderful to hear of your 19 years of sobriety too.

So you've heard of going to the hardware store for bread?? He he. Still it hurts to share your joy, the new baby coming, and have it "result" in the cold shoulder.

In Alanon we struggle to accomplish "detatchment with love", a PROCESS rather than a concrete destination. For me, it boils down to staying out of harm's way.

I have no contact with my own father. My family is puzzled and probably a little angry that I would be "so harsh" with my own Dad. But I'm not an insulated saint either. I have strong physical reactions to just THINKING about him, so that tells me all I need to know!

I am glad you are here with us, and would encourage you to find an Alanon meeting or two for yourself. When I lived in San Diego they had "Double Winner" Alanon meetings for those of us who experienced addiction as well as loving an addicted person.

Life is too short and too precious to walk in front of traffic hon. Even if it is your sister.

Take care of YOU first, and pray for her as you are. You are doing great :)

Kim

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lin0606


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I've never had to cut off contact with  a family member myself, but I know that there are those here who have.  You'll be getting some good insight from them, I'm sure.

I do want to say, though, that it is perfectly possible to still love the sick person, and have compassion for her, while protecting yourself from the effects of her disease.  If that protection extends to cutting her off, you are the best judge of that.

Just keep an eye on your motives - make sure you are working for your own protection rather than trying to manipulate her, and you will be fine.  You also may want to revisit your decision every few years to make sure it still reflects your feelings, and that you are not holding onto an old position out of unhealthy motives.

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abbyal


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Hello Nat , do you have time in your week for a Al-Anon meeting , and congratutlations on your 19 yrs of sobriety  .  And also on the new baby your expecting . tht is all good stuff . 
  I too have never had to break off a relationship with family but I know of many who have and my observation has been that it hurt s them alot more than the alcoholic .
 As has already been suggested  it is possible to still have a relationship with your sis ,by learning how to set boundaries for yourself , for instance when she calls and gets abusive , warn her that you will hang up if she dosent stop , if she dosen't hang up . It really won't take her long to figure out that your serious and believe it or not will develop a form of respect for your decission .  You can call her occasionally , saying u were just thinking of her and thought you would call and see how she was doing, your in charge of the call and can hang up at any time .  Trust me when I say this will ease any guilt u may feel by completley severing the relationship . 
In our program we have a slogan   Let it Begin With ME .     If possible keep the ties of communication open  , you are an example of sobriety and at the moment she resents that , but  I would bet that you have what she wants , but just isn't ready to do what she has to do to get it .    again congrats on your victories over this disease and enjoy !!!!   Louise

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Jen


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(((((Natalie)))))

Welcome! Do what you need to do, hon. You do not need to feel guilty for stepping out from in front of a train.

It does not have to be a permanent break. You can change your mind, later. Whatever she does or does not do is not even relevent. Your first priority is to take care of you and that baby and that is enough for you to do right now. It is ok to say to yourself,"I just can't deal with this too right now."

Find an Alanon meeting in your area if you can, and take it a day at a time. When you feel able, then you can initiate contact again.

Keep coming back here. Its a lifesaver.

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~Jen~

"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
bobump


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Couple things come to mind for me. 

Only you can determine under what conditions you would see your sister.  If these are the conditions that would give you comfort, then I say it's the first step in being healthy. For it to be fully healthy you have to learn to detach, hopefully w/ love and to not have expectations whether she will or will not do these things.  You also have to be willing to carry it out.

One other thing to consider.  Just because she gets into program, there is still no guarantee she will completely change and you will get along. 

Expectations for me are a killer.

Bob

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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are!  (added by me...in that special alanon way)
carolinagirl


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Hi there,

You gotta do what you feel you gotta do. I don't talk to my dad, he's bipolar and doesn't take medications. I finally got tired of the conversations about my people watching him so I just cut the tie and haven't talked to him in a couple of years now. Sometimes I think I should drop him a line but then I think why open that door? We never really got along well, when I do talk to him he's not really interested in anything to do with my life, he doesn't acknowledge my children, I guess my feeling is why bother? Only you know what is best but I surely can't say that's too harsh!

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