The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I wrote in my previous post today about being upset with my addict husband and waiting for him to come home after being gone all night.
Well I did what I normally do when I am so angry I can't put two thoughts together, I cleaned house. I figure it is a great way to release all that negative energy and hey I get a clean house on top of it. We just moved into this house at the end of August, so things are pretty much settled, but still getting a few things done.
Well I was scrubbing my cupboards and some bleach water dripped onto the kitchen floor, and when I wiped it up, a whole bunch of dirt came up. I was disgusted and happy at the same time. The landlord said the place was well cleaned, so I assumed the floors were stained and I had mopped as well and they still looked the same.
So I decide that with all this anger I feel, scrubbing the floors was a good idea. I start scrubbing the floors and this thought came to me, I was a lot like my floor. I had people who didn't care about me in my life and I let them walk all over me, and that showed. I was stained just like my floor, but with pain not dirt.
This pain has so warped me is so many ways. My relationship with others and myself has suffered. I don't trust and I don't let my barriers down. I always wonder what the other persons secret hidden agenda is. I have let myself go in everyway spiritually, physically, and mentally. My self perception had been so warped that I at one time I couldn't tell you one positive thing about me.
All of that because I kept all the dirt that other people left on me when I let them walk all over me.
Now a few months ago while he was still in jail I started changing a few things I was doing, and started to become a little more positive. But the most drastic changes in me have occurred since the end of July. I met someone who befriended me, and offers me love. He saw through all the stains of pain, anger, bitterness, and fear. He got past every barrier I had, and has earned my trust and I love him.
Now he didn't wipe away any of my stains, but what he did was show me that I was worth the effort for me to do all the work. So I started to scrub, and I found my smile. I scrubbed some more, and I now am happy. I scrubbed some more, and I started taking better care of me. I scrubbed some more, and I don't let people step on my anymore. Even better I scrubbed some more, and I am liking who I am finding underneath.
Now I just like me floor am not completely stain free. Years of neglect and people stepping on you leaves its mark. But the more I scrub, the better it looks. The less stains will be showing and there will be less stains.
The other thought I had was the bucket full of water I was using to rinse out my sponge as I scrubbed became fitly rather fast as I was scrubbing the floor. So I quite often had to clean the bucket out and get fresh water. The first time I did this it made me think of attending alanon meetings. I have to keep changing out my water and refilling with fresh water, otherwise I am just scrubbing with dirty water. Scrubbing with dirty water makes it harder to clean. The first time I filled the bucket there wasn't much water in there, so the water got dirty fast. The second time I put more water in, so it took longer for the water to get filthy. Just like meetings the less meetings I attend, the harder it is for me to work my program, but the more meetings I attend the easier it is to work my program and I have less slips.
So my floor is looking better, and I am so happy. I am not working on not letting my hubby's actions get to me.
Isn't amazing what happens when someone takes the time to look past the dirt, grime, and stains to see what is underneath it all?
Now my friend isn't in control of my happiness, I am. But through love, acceptance, respect, and trust, I have been given the courage to look what is underneath me. I have found a person worth scrubbing for.
Just like me changing my nick from Dolphin to Mandy, to me Dolphin represented a stain a way to hide. Mandy is me, no hiding allowed. Like it or not she is who I am. Stains and all.
I got a lot of work ahead for both my floor and myself to be stain free, and more than likely that won't ever happen. You can't go through what we have gone through and come out the same before it all happened. But the more I scrub and work on me, the less my past will have a hold of me.
Thanks all for being here. I need you. You all show my how to use my cleaning tools.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Wow MAndy, great post...I am like you, when im upset about something or worried, I start cleaning, like theres no tomorrow lol.I also tend to have alot of breakthroughs while doing that.It gets out alot of nervous or negative energy. Its like scraping away the dirt from your inner soul and being.I too feel like a dirty carpet that has been walked on over & over but lately I am changing my way.I am dealing with things better, healthier way.Hub is going to Jail & rehab in 8 days, he really needs it badly and i pray that he gets the help he needs and gets sober for once in his life.But thats up to him,The 3 c's eh lol.In the meantime, i am going to take advantage of the time to start taking better care of me, health wise and doing things that make me happy and enjoying my kids more in a non chaotic house.
Beautiful metaphor from a beautiful person. This is just what I needed to hear today. Thank you so much for sharing this. My whole house looks like I feel inside. Time to get busy.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
... so glad you are not hiding any more. It is so good to hear from you and what a wonderful post.
Another person very close to me said one day that after years of abuse and self-doubt that she related to a friend that she just felt broken.... Of course, that just tore my heart out.
But her friend was very wise and just simply told her that she is not broken... she has experienced some of the darker moments of life and has learned from them. It takes nothing away from who she is.
May your floors (and your self) shine a bit more every day as you pay more and more attention to keeping it clean. :) Just for the record, for me, you were spotless to begin with.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
That is so brilliant! I have to copy this for me. There are days when I spend so much time, cleaning up after others, the last thing I want to do is clean my home/myself. So there are times when I give myself a break and say, okay not today. But you're right the "dirtier" I get, the harder it is to clean up. I can't take a break forever. The other thing that occurs to me, is that floors don't get stained in a day. It takes time. The same way with us. It takes time to recover, bit by bit. The more diliegent we are, the easier the cleaning becomes. Thanks for this. I needed to see things a different way. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Will you still come over to my place and help me clean? I'm pooped! Well it didn't hurt to ask.
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
