The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was researching, how to end a relationship. I think it was Dr. Phil who said to end a relationship you cut off all communication. Well, you'd think that would be easy living with an A, cause when do you communication with them? Especially if you work opposite shifts and hardly ever see one another anyway. We never talk, and he is always drunk when I do see him. I feel like I'm living alone, by my self. And it wouldn't be bad living alone if only I didn't have to deal with him. Why do I stay? We have very little in common, and we don't even get along well when he's sober. We have no kids. I have no reason to stay exept for fear of change, and hurting him. Someone once told me, "love isn't everything". I guess you can love someone, but sometimes it's not worth being miserable. I could leave, and move back home easily. But, the "If's" keep haunting me. What if I leave and he kills himself? What if I leave and he gets worse.. and so on. I know I would be fine if I left. But, can I actually do it. It's so easier said than done. I'm just thinking out loud I guess. Does anyone else have this problem: I can't cry. I really try to, but I guess I just don't have any tears left. Thanks for listening, cj
In your post I see that you have "picked up" on how needy A's can be, and somehow we get convinced, often directly by them, that we have control over them. This is of course not true, and just like it is THEIR elbow that bends to deliver the booze to their mouth, it is their elbow that does every other thing to them that is done. If you think about it, the behavior of our As should have "made" us into back ward lunatics, but we aren't, no matter what anyone does or says to us, it's still up to us to act out our response. No one can force your hand, and no one can force his.
It's part of the disease that convinces HIM he is controlled by outside circumstances, and in that way we are just as sick.
According to "alcoholism as a disease", he will get worse whether you stay or not. He will kill himself whether you stay or not. He will begin to get well whether you stay or not.
But as long as we "believe" the delusion we have control, and play the little manipulation games, we are "helping" them stay exactly where they are. When we stop "helping", we are freed from the false obligation, and they may blame and demand but know in your heart it never was up to you to save his life, you can't, you can only save your own.
For me this was an intellectual knowlege at first, but it became a TRUTH as I continued to work toward my independence and my own health. My A tried to tell me he used as a "symptom" of our marraige problems. If only I would (insert whatever here), he wouldn't have to go out and blow his brains out on meth and pills and booze.
Considering that he did this no matter what I did, no matter how I accomodated him or just plain ignored him drove home the truth here. They'd like us to believe their BS. We don't have to buy it for a second.
It's sad but what you say about him getting worse or killing himself once you leave is often the only thing that keeps us attatched. When you think about it that's pretty sick too. Ugh.
Glad you are here, these are the fundamental questions we all ask ourselves. Keep coming back, your fears are definitely not yours alone.
I noticed in your post all your what if's ended with HE. So it seems to me that the only thing keeping you there is your fear of what he will do if you leave which like Kim said is totally out of your control either way. I mean really, if you could control it he sure wouldn't be drinking right? Anyway, when I left my A a year ago he would call and say that he was going to kill himself, he would drink himself to death, I would never see him again or get a dime of child support, etc. etc. etc. unless I did what HE wanted me to do. Sooooo, all I can say is you know in your heart what is the right thing for you right now and you will take the next right step. My suggestion is to imagine him totally gone, not in the picture at all and what would make YOU the happiest? The way I see it with my A, he left us the moment he started drinking/using drugs again. That would be many many abandonments for all the times he went to treatment and started again.
I feel for you. I finally left the A months ago but we still have contact (albeit limited). he did get worse. Do I take any responsibility for that? Nope.
Lewaving is hard, staying is hard. There are a ton of al anon tools you can use. You dont have to do it all today. Making a plan b helps. What do you need to leave? What would leaving be like. Do you know how to detach?
None of us here can give you a map this is how you do it. there are 10001 to leave and 1000 to stay. For me it is was no longer about staying /leaving its about doing better. Do I do better each day. Eventually theA stopped being so attractive and his defects seemed tos shine out clearly.
I can't say I walked off into the sunset either. I walked off with tons of problems some of which originated in the relationship. I got some closure. I seek more closure. I got some peace, I got some clarity. Itt got better but more challenging too.
You fall in love with someone because you see in them what you are or you see in them what you want to become. You keep trying and expecting a different outcome, it may never happen. He is who he is. What do you want for yourself?? Something to ponder. :)
CJ... Eight months ago...(come Sept. 3rd)...I made the decision to get out of my AH's life as much as I didn't want to because it was the 2nd time around I had married him and TRIED to get him to see how much I loved him...but the alcohol still won over me. I'm still grieving that he absolutely refused to get help when his own family and I tried to get him into rehab. It's been a blessing to me as far as I'm concerned not being in that situation of being afraid of "what if" he gets out and kills someone drinking and driving??? What if he burns the trailer down because he'd pass out drunk with a cigarette??? What if the "fed's come busting our door down because he was selling his pain pills, would I go to jail too? What if his dad finds out his son is growing pot on his property we lived on for free??? What if my boss reads in the paper I got pulled over and my AH has an open container in the car because he refuses to go anywhere without alcohol??? Would I lose my job??? (I drove a school bus in a little bitty town). I gave him 3 years to follow through with the promises of "it'll get better"...but it didn't. Life is too short and I have places to go and things I still want to do, that I would NEVER be able to do, had I stayed with him. I still pray for my HP to help him even tho I'll be divorcing him. I know it's out of my hands to help him. I was never able to go any where with him in public because he was an embarrassment. I couldn't have him around my family and friends for the same reason...and I sure didn't want my nephews and niece, nor my granddaughter around him. Life is too short. It isn't a "Commandment" to stay in an unhealthy/unsafe marriage with our spouse! And when he told me he didn't give a *F* if his mom or dad/or family, or I didn't like it...he wasn't quitting his drinking for anyone! Ok then...I had no choice but to throw the towel in and say "I'm done"! I went back to my hometown in another state and three hour drive away. He hasn't once...NOT ONCE...said he was sorry...he would do anything to get me back...and to keep this marriage together. And after 8 months...it's quite obvious he's not going to. I'm back in church...something I wasn't able to do when I was with him...and I'm getting baptized this coming Saturday. The past as far as I'm concerned is just that...over and done..and now a new life for me is going to begin. It breaks my heart he won't be a part of it. We had been talking on the phone up until 3 weeks ago today as a matter of fact. He got mad because he asked me if I showed pictures of the quilt with all the cigarette burns it in to anyone, and I said I had... to one of his brothers. The brother who tried all day on the phone and begged someone from the re- hab clinic to help his addicted little brother before something bad happens. Of course I showed him the pictures so he could see how bad the problem was! But...anyway...the past three weeks have been what I needed to come to grips with the whole ordeal and just get on with my life. I will file for the divorce sometime before the end of the year if I can get the money together for it. I really owe where I am to this group and my HP. And reading the book, "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon"...keeping a journal. But you know...I've been blessed with family and friends too. I had to stay with friends before I got a job at Walmart. And then my boss gave me the job I left 3 years ago when I remarried my husband with more money than when I had left! So...yes, it does take alot of courage and strength to make such a hard decision...but I had to decide if I wanted to live or take the chance of dying or going to jail staying with my AH. He didn't care if his addiction hurt me...obviously. He flat out told me he didn't care! Well...I wish you the best of whatever you decide to do. Really though...you need to keep coming back here for the most precious friends you'll ever meet, because they've all been there too. I couldn't go to face to face meetings...in the little town I lived in with my AH...so M.I.P. was as close as I was gonna get to anyone that knew what I was going through. Keep in touch. God Bless!
__________________
Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
We only have control over ourselves. Feeling like you have control over someone else and their actions is all smoke and mirrors. At least that is what I found.
I too worried that my AH would kill himself if I left him. But you know what? He didn't. Sure, he might have felt like it but he didn't. And I am sure that he has more bad days than good. But I think that is all in the nature of the addiction.
I realized that I don't have and never have had control over my AH. Nothing I do or say is going to change his actions. He has always told me that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. He is doing a piss poor job of it....but it is his job not mine.
I finally stepped aside. Took control of MY life and left him to his own life. He is now living w/his mom. His truck is being repo'd. He is holding onto this job he has only had for a few weeks by a thin thread. But you know what - not my problem. All his and he will just have to cope with it. I am not happy with him. I need not suffer his consequences. I must move on.
These were the decisions I had to make. You must look deep within yourself to find what you want, need and deserve. Find what you desire. Decide to do something about it. Make preparations to do it. Then execute your plan. Whatever it is. Make yourself happy.
