Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need some help for a friend
Post Info TOPIC: Need some help for a friend
Tenderheartsks


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 692
Date:
Need some help for a friend
Permalink  

I need some suggestions/guidance/advice in regards to a friend.

She has been in recovery from addictions for years, but her husband is an active alcoholic.

The major meltdown has been a long time coming, and now that she has decided the marriage just isn't going to work, and the kids are profoundly affected, he starts in. He threatens to kill himself. He threatens to have the boss take the house back that they live in if she kicks him out. He is now emotionally abusing the 12 year old son by telling him 'mommy wants to kick daddy out', and of course, the 12 year old, who idolizes his father, runs to his mother, tells her what a piece of crap she is and how wonderful daddy is. Sick sick sick using the child as a pawn.

Now she is on the road to relapse, hasn't drank but is using pills and pot to cope.

I realize that is a sure-fire recipe for disaster.

She claims there are NO resources to help her in Kentucky. She says no one will help, but I suspect it's a matter of not getting help as long as HE IS IN THE HOME.

Surely there are resources out there to help her.

I love her dearly, but I refuse to be conned, and I cannot believe there is no help available IF she wants the situation to change and him physically out of the picture.

According to her, it's completely hopeless in Kentucky for a woman in her position.

Personally, I'm about ready to walk away and just let her sort it out. It just appears she doesn't want any suggestions, just pity for her situation.

Thanks in advance for any help!

__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."
- Woodrow Wilson
lin0606


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2287
Date:
Permalink  

I'd say youve got the right take on it, all right. I'm far from Kentucky, up in Canada, but I know that if there are not government resources, there will be churches, women's groups, etc.

If you really want to be a friend , you can tell her about this site, and help her find an alanon meeting in her area (yes, there is alanon in Kentucky)  Sometimes the burden of living with addictions just gets a person down so far she can't see the light, but it is still there.

__________________
maresie2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1718
Date:
Permalink  

Well I think anyone who has been in a depression can think there are no resources. The trouble is no resource is ever the total answer. Sometimes we have to break stuff down into bits. I've certainly been there with throwing up my hands at the A. I've also been there with understanding they are "ill".

There are certainly therapists and counselors that helps. Maybe your friend needs to get some perspective on her emotions. Sometimes things are not as cut and dry as throw him out. Sometimes they are a long long trawl through.

I can certainly understand its hard to listen to someone who's depressed and negative. At the same time there is where some of us are at.

I also know its easy to go into relapse. I've had many a screaming yelling relapse myself. But I come back from it. Sometimes we can also feel totally overwhelmed and need to take a break. That's pretty hard when you are on one of the few resources for people.

Look after yourself, detach and then come back to it with new soft eyes.

maresie.

__________________
maresie
Kim65


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 810
Date:
Permalink  

I just flat out believe there is ALWAYS help, resources, answers . . . I just haven't found them all yet :).

I believe the same for every other human being on the planet.

Sad but true, you can't help her "get it" any more than we could get our A's to "get it". But you can leave your words ringing in her ears for when she IS ready to listen. Yes, there is help for you, yes there are solutions besides pot and pills for your recovery. She's using anyway, so it's not likely ANY advice or support will get through to her. A sad situation, all you can do is take care of you and pray for her.

__________________
twinkie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 209
Date:
Permalink  

It sounds like you have already come to your solution.  I would have to agree, as difficult as it is to watch our friends and loved ones self-destruct, what I've learned is that no matter how tough, they do have choices on the path to take.  There is help - she could find it somewhere - whether a church, a hospital, online. If and when she wants it, she will find it.  In the meantime, keep yourself healthy!

__________________
Maria123


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2055
Date:
Permalink  

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is an amazing book.

It will help her (though it sounds like she may not want it).

Remember the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it; you can't cure it.

Also when you are suggesting something, look at your motive.

"if you say it once, it's a suggestion; if you say it twice (or more), it's controlling."

Keep coming,
yours in recovery,
Maria

__________________
If I am not for me, who will be?  If I am only for myself, then who am I?  If not now, when?
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3854
Date:
Permalink  

Well the first thing she could do for herself is to get to AA and get some support . and I am sure there is support from social services for her too . She is just not hurting enough yet . Fear is a pretty powerful thing it will either keep u stuck in the mess or motivate u to get out.  I suspect she is stuck at the moment .
Support her efforts encourage her to get  help AA for starters and see what happens . If she is smoking pot she is no longer clean and sober . not thinking clearly when using anything to *cope*  Don't do for her what she should be doing for herself .   goodluck 

__________________

I came- I came to-I came to be
Tenderheartsks


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 692
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you all SO much for your responses.

I do understand depression and fear. I have battled with clinical depression myself for years.

I don't harp on what the solutions might be for her. I give them to her once, and leave it at that.

She's come up with an excuse for each one.

Another friend offered to fix the vehicle that isn't running so she can attend meetings and start loking for jobs..

I honestly feel I have done the best that I can, and just need to detach with love.

I've always let her know I love her and will be there for her when she is ready.

__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."
- Woodrow Wilson
Diva


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2188
Date:
Permalink  

You know, sometimes we all need a warm hug, and an "It's going to be all right" attitude from someone we know well enough in whom to confide our innermost thoughts. I don't know if there is help in Kentucky, but I am willing to bet there is. Her pride is probably getting in the way right now. I doubt she is attempting to con you.

Try some patience and understanding, or, as you say, you can "walk away and just let her sort it out." Do you hear how that sounds? And I cannot believe the coldness of some of the responses to your post.

Do you go to meetings? Offer to take her with you. Do something positive and "friendly" for your friend.  Not every act of compassion or kindness is taboo.  If it is, may God help us all!!!

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 12:11, 2007-08-17

__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need some help for a friend