The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend was a good one. We went on a motorcycle run with a group that supports POWs. They had the Vietnam Memorial Wall set up in the next town, which is only a few miles from us. We got up Sat., after having not talked all week, he got the bike out and was cleaning it up. He asked if I still wanted to go. After the drama all last week, the wedding ring cut in two (actually it wasn't the one he got married with, but it was the wedding band he wore to work, and all the time. The actual wedding ring isfancier, and had diamonds in it, so he still has that one. But still, the idea of cutting a wedding ring in half is mean and hurtful.....anyway)..... I looked down at his hand, and he had his "real" wedding ring on. I haven't mentioned the other one. It is laying on the night stand, his side of the bed. I haven't said anything about it. It was his ring, and the fact that he cut it in two doesn't change the fact that we are married. He has made no attempt to move out or get a divorce, even tho he threatens it. When I get panicky, I need to remember that. Also must remember I cannot control his feelings or what he does. But I can control my reaction, and how much I accept of his behavior. Anyhow.....wasn't sure we were going on the planned ride, but I really wanted to go. So, we did. It was amazing. All the bikers met at the VA hospital, then we all rode (about 100 of us!) to the American Legion in another town, then to the VFW in another town, then to the park where the wall was erected. They allowed us to all park the bikes facing the wall. There was a ceremony where the President of the Bike Club handed a square-folded flag (not triangle fold, as that means a death) to a man who would present it to the mother of a local young man, Matt Maupin, who is missing in Iraq. Then we all were invited to walk up to the wall, place our finger on a name, and in unison, we pledged to always remember, and be grateful to all those who have served our country. It was very moving. The names of those who died in 9/11 are at the right end of the wall, where we started, and the names continued up to the very first name, which is from 1957, I believe. All those names, all those lives lost. THEN we were allowed to ride our motorbikes, one by one, in front of the Wall, I could have reached out and touched it again. It was to say "Welcome Home" to all who served, and died to protect us. There were soldiers at the beginning and end of the wall, and we greeted them. At the end of all the bikes riding by, there was a REAL Patriot Guard (like in The Patriot) on the horse that appeared in that movie, who galloped the horse along the same path the bikes had just taken. It was a beautiful, amazing day. We were with a lot of old friends who were Vets. So, after a horrific week, HP granted me a wonderful, peaceful weekend. Through all my sadness and despair last week, I was still able to function, go to work, go with my daughter for her sonogram, and rejoice over the new grandbaby-to-be. I even showed my AH the sonogram pics. He and my daughter do not get along, they both have hard feelings due to the alcoholism that neither of them understand. It is hard for me, because I love them both. Anyway, I am trying. I get down, I get discouraged. I hurt. But through it all, HP, and all my loving alanon friends are here for me. I am working hard to separate the disease from the man. I am working very hard to take care of myself, in spite of his disease that threatens me, just like a storm cloud visible on the horizon. It threatens my world, my home, it threatens to break my heart. But I am still here. The difference before Alanon, is now I can go to work, where before I would stay home and cry. I would argue, cry, throw a fit in front of the A. It got me nowhere. I still cry sometimes, but not like before. The worse thing is the pain in my heart. Maybe someday will find a way to deal with that better. Almost a physical pain. I hate it. But I am still here! Love in Recovery, Becky1
Those breaks where things go well and you get to see something inspiring... really charges the old batteries for me. So glad you had a good time on the run.
You and yours are in my prayers... today I pray that you find more uplifting things in your life to keep those spirits up.
Thanks for sharing your adventure with us... makes me want to go rent a bike. :)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
((((Becky)))) So glad you enjoyed your weekend. The bike run sounds amazing. I can relate to living that rollercoaster of emotions. It can get tiring, but this program is so helpful. Like you said, being able to function even when things get ugly, that is real progress! I keep telling myself, don't rush, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take good care of yourself.
Becky, that's so cool that you had an enjoyable time. I'm beginning to think that all the Alanon tools I used during the rotten times just to keep myself from committing harakiri ALSO enable me to enjoy the good times when they come, and like Rtexas said, recharge the batteries.
Keep up the good work, it is working for you :) Kim
