The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I get myself confused sometimes, because my husband often makes me feel like if I were different, things between us would be better.
Understanding that there are always two sides to a story and two perspectives to it as well, sometimes I feel stubborn and confident that I am not looking at this wrong, that I DO indeed deserve more out of this marriage, that I DO indeed deserve to be happy, that I DO indeed have the right to live without a constant anxiety about what he's doing or NOT doing, etc.
And then often times I think maybe the problem IS me. Maybe if I were raised in better home and had better examples of loving relationships, then I would be able to see things differently. Maybe if I was a nicer person and not such a perfectionist, maybe I wouldn't find this marriage so intolerable. Maybe if I were a better person, I would see this marriage in a totally different perspective.
And the toggling back and forth is constant and draining.
I find that for most things, although I have a very secure and confident exterior, I am in inner turmoil about if I am doing the right thing. If someone says they feel differently than me, internally I wonder if I should feel that way too, because maybe they are better at opinions and decisions than I am, so maybe I should just follow their lead.
It's very strange because I am always looking to be led, but yet I live this cool, confident, in charge sort of persona. If truth be told though, I am always wondering if I am doing the right thing, looking at things in the right way, making the right decisions, coming from the right perspective, holding onto the right opinions. I lack a true confidence in myself and my expectations on how to be treated and what I deserve.
I am wondering, is this part of the A family? Is this symptomatic of the "unmanageability"?
My A husband (who I hate labelling as such, cuz I sort of feel that he is what he is and it's not my place to really label him, but for the purpose of this board...) has been gone now for 2 weeks. I am living okay. I feel like I have more circumstantial turmoil but an inner peace that I've been missing. I am enjoying my time with our 3 year old son and doing some things that I've been wanting to get around to and now have some time to do.
I am just not sure if this fluttering is normal, back and forth, analyse, question myself, am I the one who is losing it?, etc.
Wow! What a heavy burden for you to bear. I am sooo sorry you have that struggle going on inside of you.
One thing my non-A but very controlling ex-H used to say to my (at the time) small daughter, "Why don't you just THINK???" Well, I had to tell him that she was thinking, to the best of her ability. He seemed to always downplay her ideas or thoughts, as well as mine. He had so much mind control over us that I began to think something was wrong with me, that my ideas, thoughts, or whatever, didn't matter. I was totally, completely controlled by him. It was like a brainwashing, for the 13 years that we were married. He even kept it to where we had only one car, the one HE would drive, for several years. To mention that I needed a car, well that was out of the question. Plus, we lived about 4 miles outside of a small country town, so I was pretty isolated with my daughter while he was working.
I used to think, when my current, now-sober A-H was first out in the open with his "secret life" (drinking, affairs, not coming home at night), that somehow maybe it was MY fault, that I didn't give him enough of what HE needed. He is/was a sort of gentle man, not violent or extremely controlling like my ex was, but could still hide the secrets, I've now learned. I'd asked him repeatedly why he had an affair, was it that I wasn't giving him "enough", lol, and he said no, it was just about the alcoholic/sex addiction. Actually, he said it was just about sex, to put it bluntly.
Now, almost 4 years into Alanon, I've really changed the way I think about taking the blame for everything that comes down the pike. I've tried to teach my daughter, who is now 19, that she doesn't need to depend on a man to be successful, that what she thinks is valid. I am a totally different person than I was when I was "brainwashed". Shortly after my divorce from my daughter's dad, a client of mine (my ex's cousin ~ we often went to their house or they to ours when my ex and I were married) told me that I was really different than I was when I was married to my ex. He told me that I looked different, more confident, and seemed to be a really fun/funny person. I told him that I was, lol. Even he could see how controlled I was with my ex. Makes me wonder who else thought that too!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you're conditioned to thinking about yourself the way you do. It takes time getting out of what was the "norm". Kind of like un-brainwashing, if you will.
You mentioned you don't like "labeling" your husband as your "A husband", because he "is what he is". You should think that of yourself...you "are what you are". No matter what someone thinks of you, you are what you are. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. I remember I used to keep that saying on a post-it on my office desk. I had to have those kinds of reminders around me so I could really come to believe that my life had value, just as it was. Not as someone else wanted me to be, but as I was at this moment in time. Period. End of discussion.
You are who you are, and that is a wonderful, caring person.
Rora, I understand fully. I sometimes ask this question myself when my A decides to go on a "gentleman's vacation" and binge for a couple of days. But in my heart I know...he drinks because that is what alcoholics do. Could be because it is Thursday or because the sun is not shining, or...well you get the idea.
I call my partner an A because, "if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck." I am kidding no one but myself if I refuse to put a name to it.
Do take care.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think most of us have struggled with this, because, of course, some of it IS our fault. Not, I hasten to add, the drinking, but some of the unhappiness in our homes does indeed come from us. That is the whole point of alanon, for me. Not just a place to complain and vent about the A (though that is sometimes a necessary outlet) but a way to examine "What is my part in it?"
The problem is that "I deserve more out of my marriage" does NOT mean "you need to change so that I can be happy with you". It means "I need to examine waht my expectations of marriage are, and whether they are realistic given the actual man I see before me". We really have two choices, given that alcoholics will do what alcoholics do: 1. Get some joy out of our marriages anyway, keeping our expectations in line with reality. 2. Decide we will never be happy with what we have here, and get out.
Neither of these are great choices. Most of us would prefer Option 3. Stay with the person we have, with his alcoholism removed. Unfortunately, that choice is not on the menu. I think that much of the unhappiness those of us married to A's feel is from our attempts to continue to pick Option 3, even though it is impossible.
I've felt that twisting, turning constantly draining dilemma: maybe my Awife is right --- the problem is me and I am the one causing all these problems with my non-accepting, always disapproving attitude. Perhaps, it was my less-than-perfect upbringing and the sins of my parents are now mine to bear... Perhaps, it is my self-righteous, borderline martyr perspective that has caused so much strife in my home... Perhaps.... Perhaps....
Perhaps.... THAT IS ALL BULLSHITE!!!
After coming to program, my thoughts evolved back into clear perspective. Regardless of the issues I need to work on in my program, addiction is a disease that will DESTROY families, relationships, and individuals. No joke, no buts, no exceptions. Alcoholics and addicts are really really great at a few things. 1. Manipulation 2. Lying 3. Pawning off responsibility (go head, you pick the order)
I doubted myself for a very long time. My self-esteem was in the toilet. I couldn't understand what was going on. I felt like I was to blame, because my lovely made the case and I swallowed the bait.
Program gave me a new perspective: To hell with blame - let it begin with me to give me the ability to be happy, joyous and free.
((((Rora)))) keep coming back... fact: your life will get better, and that is, after all, all that you can control
with love, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Rora....I feel your post as if I had written it. These are the feeling I have been working through all year. For me, when my A angrily accused me of something, I learned to say to myself in my gut...this is not about me...this is his crap. Addiction is such a disease of denial and I always felt that him yelling at me was just a way to not face him self....I would try and talk about it later with him and get to the problems underlying the fighting/accusations....but he never could get to that calmer deeper place with me.
That said, being with him and hearing his complaints did ring true for me a bit....I learned to look at what hit a nerve in me....and look at it gently and non-judgementally....look at my issues with love...and to see my behaviors as coping skills I needed in the past that I was now outgrowing. Awareness of my behaviors and emotions, acceptance without judgement, Action. For me action was therapy,writing here, and with a lot of practice actually seeing myself respond differently internally and externally to my A and to my self.
I wish you peace. Make sure you are doing things that feed your happiness and soul. I also suggest the book Codependant No More by Melody Beattie.
This whole subject is still painful to me, and it's great to hear how the others have recognized and dealt with themselves because of it.
I spent the first year of my relationship with the A telling myself HE was right, I needed to listen to HIM, my life was a wreck from listening to myself. I'd idealized him to the point I broke myself down. I would have answered Rora's question as "I MUST be wrong, he must be right because I'm such a mess."
After I sort of "woke up", it was six more years of fighting against the control I handed over to him at the beginning.
I still wonder at my state of mind that I would deliberately break myself down to accomodate my A. Hindsight is 20/20 of course. I didn't see who and what he was at the time, which is another story. But to abandon myself like I did still really bothers me, and scares me that I was capable of it.
So this is about me and my willingness, conscious or not, to do violence to myself for the sake of another, while niavely wishing I'd finally found someone to take care of me.
Thanks everyone for your comments, and big hugs to you, Rora. I am just getting back from my A's house. He had stopped over my house (when I was out) and taken my dog over his place. I don't have kids, and my dog is my heart (as you can tell by my avatar!), so needless to say, I was pretty upset, but tried to detach and let go. Didn't work - we got into an argument - that's why this topic is really hitting close to home for me, also. After all of the "help" I've given him over the last several years, he screamed at me that I was pathetic, lazy, and worthless, and that I never wanted to help him after all of the help he gave me. I know that I'm not dealing with a rational person, but, like Rora, I started to wonder if he wasn't right. I am learning through Al-anon that my "help" was often (not always) enabling, but I still have this nagging doubt that maybe he is right...if I only, if I hadn't, if I would... Thank you all for sharing how you work on this issue. It helps just knowing that I'm not alone in this feeling. By the way, can someone tell me what ESH stands for? Thanks! MHG
-- Edited by mhgal at 13:52, 2007-07-14
__________________
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Hello rora , it is absolutley positivley NOT YOU , your simply not that powerful if you were u would also be able to make him stop . Alcoholics blame others to not take responsibility for thier own behavior . I took his drinking really personally just like you are right now , I thought if I was slimmer , prettier , smarter , better cook , better lover well the l ist is long , that he wouldn't have to drink so every few yrs I would re invent myself , loose weight etc. and nothing changed he still drank . The day I turned to him and said YOU and I both know that I am not the reason u drink and walked away things started to change. Please find meetings for yourself , u will meet new friends who understand exactly how your feeling and will share thier own experiences with you . Al-Anon offers solutions to make your life better and u don't have to leave to do it. goodluck and remember that regardless of what he says YOU ARE NOT THE REASON HE DRINKS .
Mhgal, ESH stands for experience, strength and hope.
Louise your post is so RIGHT ON, it makes me think of when it hit me that my A both put me down and put me way up high on a pedestal. It seemed as though he honestly believed I was capable of causing all his problems. Being 'codependent' and having someone believe I am sort of all powerful was a baaaaad combination :) . I think now it fueled my belief that if I said the right thing the right way, he'd get a grip. He didn't. Just a thought on how this can go 'the other way' too.
thank you all so much for your posts. It's a confusing journey. The ups and downs, downs and ups. I appreciate the opportunity to come to this board and get some feedback. sigh...
Thank's ever so much, for that Rora, I think I resemble that feeling you talk about, I wanted to know when you get rid of that feeling inside is that true serenity, I am still stuck with that feeling and I think I'm keeping myself stuck there really, not quite beliving that sobriety in my life is happening right now, and I won't be going back to that awful place.
