The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
My ah will be here tomorrow night. We have not seen him since early May, since before the miscarriage when he said some very hurtful things to me. We speak on the phone sometimes hateful, sometimes decent, most times like nothing has happend. I let him know even though it may sound cruel to you that my heart was not in a place that he may want. I am not ready for kisses or hugs or hand holding and that I would be friends. I let him know that I don't have feelings like before the pg and the things he said just cut like a knife and made me see the real him and I no longer want to even try to work it out. Sad thing is I'll probably stay married to him just for financial reasons and for the kids, even though we lived as if we are divorced already. I'm not really miserable because he's not here but two days out of the month if that. I let him know I will not have sex with him. He said he respects whatever I chose to do, he just doesn't want the divorce (makes no sense to me) Isn't it sad that I am married to someone I think is a horrible friend even? He's about on the same level as my brother that I never see. I don't care anymore what he's doing, where's he's going...nothing...just numb. I'm not angry, not bitter, not sad, NEVER cry. I'm just here with our children and making them happy and well rounded. They've never known anything else so this is normal to them. This weekend we are taking them to a water park (he owes them after not being here for their birthday or buying them anything....jackhole) I hope that goes well. I've made him a list of things that need done which he says is fine. I mowed the front of the yard but there is NO WAY I can get the back. It's rained so much and the grass is about five feet high and laid over...no lie...so sad. It's hard being a woman running a household with three little one's....I almost feel empowered for half the things I can do. My kids are so awesome and I have ME to thank, not him and he even says that. I've always put them first and their protection first. I'm not sure who reminded me to do so because I was in the midst of wanting the "family unit" so bad I was argueing and yelling and depressed. As soon as I realized that I am the one who mattered and ONLY me, I wised up and took charge and have straight A students, well behaved, faith in God, manners and are HAPPY (most important) I did that!!! Getting back to the point............I do kinda feel bad for him that I feel nothing towards him as a husband and it feels wierd even calling him that. I'd feel like a user if I didn't do so damn much already for him. I'm sure I'll be on tomorrow and let ya know....maybe I'll skip out to a movie...nothing like saying "welcome home" huh? lmbo. Love ya guys and I hope you have a good weekend. Your in my MIP prayers. mwah. xoxo
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate this weekend....I'll be sending you lots of good thoughts. Keep busy...do what YOU WANT TO DO....and about the divorce....what do YOU want? Have fun with the kids at the water park! Good luck, Fifi
I think distance and staying busy helps to foster detachment in our emotions. You've been distanced from your A for a long time so that makes sense to me that you have come to a place of numbness. Remember too you have been through alot of pain recently by his hurtful comments. Good for you for setting those boundaries with him. Getting out to a movie sounds like fun. Have a wonderful weekend.
Peace and Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I know for me I can go into ptsd strobe like places if I dont' set enough detachment around the A. I can also get into total overwhelm exhastion. So for me personally distance is welcomes.
I have a friend who I am working on detaching from who believes somehow in this give it all till you bleed stuff is love. I no longer do. I think sometimes in the beginning detachment can feel numbing but in time it gets to be more balanced. Rome was not built in a day.
