The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a great friend here on campus. Her name is Kristen. Kristen has moderate CP. She needs alot of help--opening doors, opening pasta jars, opening things. She needs help getting her dinner plate made, making sure she's got a plate made up for her and set for dinner, and things like this. Things you and I take for granted, Kristen needs help with. I need Kristen right now. And right now, Kristen's needs are pushing all the wrong and extremely raw buttons. They're pushing the buttons of old memories and old experiences that are reflective of me and where I'm at in the program. They're the buttons of when I would clean up my dad's puke, his poop and his piss because he was so drunk he wouldn't be able to function. They're the buttons of all the years when I was enabler for my parents because I swore if I just did one more darn thing this time it would be different, this time they would love me, and this time, they would want me in their life. This time. This time they would want me in their life as I am. It's not Kristen's fault she has CP. It's not a reflection on her that my buttons are getting pushed. It's my responsibility that these are old issues I haven't found an acceptable way to deal with. And I know what's at stake here. I know exactly why I'm so reactive. I know why I feel as if I'm ready to explode. It's because my mom, since that fateful day when I told her that things had to change between us in our relationship, has taken to becoming more manipulative and more malicious, specifically of those around her. My stepfather has called me 3x, emailed me a pretty sizeable letter, and is communicating with me more now than he has in the whole of our relationship to date. And I know why. It's because I told my mom pointe blank: if things don't change, I'm changing them. I won't be here. I won't be your daughter. And mom's taking it out on my step dad. I've always felt for the guy. Whereas I've been the one caught in the middle when mom and dad drank and became violent, now it's him that's caught in the middle. And what I want to do is be reactive. I want to call my step dad and tell him in no uncertain terms "Don't go there. Stop this crap. Get out of the game. Don't be callin my cell, emailin my Yahoo. Knock this crap off. You know better than that. You know that if this was a situation with a sponsee of yours, you'd be tellin them the same thing. But here you are!" That's not how the old timers taught me how to handle myself when I'm in these situations. That's not how I was shown how by my Grandma. I know better. So I haven't called. Yet. So I haven't emailed. Yet. But I know I got to. I know as a part of the amends I made to my step dad, I need to be direct to him and share with him how I feel, and say to him "Look, I love you. I do. But the reality is, man, you gotta stay outta this fight. I don't know what mom's saying to you, I don't know how she's treatin you, but I know how it feels. Been there. Done that. Have the memories and the t shirt. But man, you gotta stay outta this. You're hurting me when you get involved, however much you wanna help. Please. Don't do anymore. Just be there and be a loving presence and don't do anymroe." But right now, I'm in a space where I wanna blow at someone totally not involved with this crisis. I wanna go off and go nuts because its easier than actually saying to my step dad what I need to say And lets not forget mom. I wanna say to her "why is my step dad making all the phone calls? why is my step dad doin all the emailing? Mom, if this relationship matters to you, where are you? Where have you been? Just because you've been persona non grata corpus o mentia my whole life doesn't mean that you have to keep it up. Things can change--and they gotta if you want me in your life." That's where I'm at yall. Last week, my sponsor said something that's stuck with me: "so long as you keep thinking for people you're living in the insanity of alcholism. Let people think for themselves and do your own recovery." I'm hoping whatever responces I get here are loving and accepting. I'm trying not to assume that they're gonna be of the hatefilled nature.
I know when my mother was at her worst and I walked out of her life, my grandmother would contact me and ask questions. I responded, "I'd rather not discuss my relationship with my mother". I would not pick the manipulation up anymore. My mother became desperate and her behavior became worse. I waited until I felt comfortable enough that I could put up boundaries. I would write letters to my mother to get my anger out and would throw them away. It made me feel better. We have a very different relationship today, one of mutual respect. She now asks me for my advice instead of giving me advice. LOL
I do know that anger gets stored in the body and can make you sick. If anger has nowhere to go it turns into depression. This is what my therapist told me. My therapist suggested working out and writing nasty letters. It worked really well for me. Then I would focus on doing something loving for myself.
My heart goes out to you. Take a big deep breath and find an action that is healthy for you.
My heart goes out to you too because I too have experience a lot of what you have. In the end I had to finish the relationship I had with my father and step-mother as it became too destructive for me. They still play the mind games but I just don't pick up the ball anymore and I know why. I'm not taking their inventory like I used to either. You go and do whats healthy for you Tiger.
You know I was just emailing a friend today about the relationship with my sisters which is pretty much broken down. The old inbetween game got in the way. I have two sisters. One if younger the other older, the younger one is alcoholic, the older one a rageaholic. The younger one would gossip to me about the older one and go on and on about how dysfunctional she was. Our relationship was all about feeling superior to her, gossiping about her, railing about her and more.
One day when I'd done a ton of work and was willing to let my elder sister go (her rages were incredible) I told my younger sister don't ever mention her again to me. I am through talking about her. Talk about s show stopper. Then low and behold since then she's been super antagonistic to me.
Obviously since I'm codependent I did it in huge reactivity but that's the life of the codependent.
Enmeshment is the by word in my family. That's all there was and is.
When I said I'm not playing anymore the plug was pulled. Since then I'm persona non grata.
I have enough recovery to detach but be aware the patterns are complex and for whatever reason they are meeting some of the people's needs. I know when I felt superior to and angry at my elder sister there was some connnection When I set the boundary it was treason.
I think its absolutely formidable you know your triggers. I can still get stuck on them.
Congratulations on knowing how to take care of yourself. There are days I have no clue.
Hey Tiger, I don't know if I have much relevant ESH for you, but I had (have) experiences with my parents that I keep thinking of when I read your posts.
My father was the alcoholic and addict. He went into recovery/AA when I was fifteen years old. Much improved with him, but he remained VERY difficult to be around. He had frequent temper tantrums like a two year old, was manipulative, mean, very inappropriate with boundaries, any boundaries, if they were in his way he picked and worked at them until they gave way or the person gave in. He had many relapses and today I believe he's still using prescription pain pills.
I literally moved across the country to get away from my family. I stopped calling and talking to my father, and even told him to turn the hell around when he decided to drive down to California unannounced. My stepmother, who I was more sympathetic with, has not spoken to me since, and that was about 8 years ago.
My sister lives in their area and has tolerated unbelievably sick stuff with him, not sexual, he's just a crazedly self absorbed person, probably delusional. Definitely mental.
It really was a relief to cut off contact with him. It was the right thing to do, he wasn't going to change. Like your Mom, and my A today, instead of trying to meet me halfway, they get WORSE, as if they cannot comprehend what "halfway" means. I could be speaking Urdu for all my A understood what I needed from him in this relationship. He couldn't see it, neither could my father. It's beyond them. It's a worldview type thing, a paradigm, you see what you expect to see, and they don't "see" other people as being separate unique individuals with their own lives and needs. You're a cardboard cut out person, not real, so what you say is not real, what you want and need aren't real. Only their needs are real.
Anyway you might know where this is leading . . . I SO very much admire the hard work you are doing while still living closely with your parents. I tell you, leaving was the right thing for me, but just not having to deal with the person of my father didn't stop the choo choo train. I found another one like him, the similarities of my father and A are creepy and so humbling.
It takes WORK to separate and be healthy from a sick, demanding parent. If you just leave, yeah, there's relief, but the effects are still there. I still had an uncanny perception for self absorbed, manipulative, charming addicts, and found them and loved them and tried to get them to love me RIGHT. Ugh. I'm 42, and I wonder if I had done what you do, work the program so seriously, went to therapy as you have, if I might not have ended up looking for my father wherever I was, with him or not.
So I admire how you are dealing with your situation. May you be able to leave them behind, however that ends up looking like! instead of carrying them around inside.
I know what you mean about buttons being pushed - some of my husband's pain meds resulted in someone who looked a lot like the crackhead of the old days. Just seeing that experession on his face set off all kinds of nasty stuff in me, physical reactions, emotional reactions, going down the same old path. I didn't always deal with it well, but when I did, it was by cutting myself some slack. If I could, when I was feeling particularly stressed, I would get someone else to do for him for a bit, just until I found my feet again. Kristen needs help, but she doesn't need to only get it from you, especially right now when you are on edge for other reasons. Another thing is plain old HALT - take care of your physical needs, and some of this becomes easier to handle. You know you are moving in the right direction, you know you are getting healthier. Don't have to be all better, all at once.
I thank God for each and every one of you. And Thank You, each and every one of you, for loving me enough to read this and reassure me that I am doing just fine. Thank you. Thank you.
Hey Tiger - Just trying to catch up with reading some post I've missed - Hope that you are doing better - You are carrying a pretty heavy load - as you help take care of Kristen, please, please take good care of Tiger too.
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't know if this applies, but as I was reading I got this rock in the pit of my stomach feeling.
With all that I had to do for my mom, there are just things I know I can't do again, maybe possibly forever. Today there is someone who could use my help, but I can't do it. I spent too long doing something because it had to be done, not because I wanted to but because it had to be done and I felt like no one else would do it. It is possible that someone else might have stepped in and did the things I did -- but I just thought no one would. With the person today, well, guess what -- others have step up and are doing their part to help. And there was nothing wrong with me saying I just can't do this.
Your friend is your friend, not because of what you can do for her. If your friendship is based on that, then there is a problem. There is nothing wrong with telling her exactly what you have said and that is basicly you want to be her friend but you are unable to be her caregiver -- you are limited as to what you are comfortable doing for her. For me the big feeling was "having to" -- not helping out of love but it being a requirement. Maybe after talking with her you'll feel more in control of what you are giving of yourself. I hope you'll be able to talk to her.
As far as your mom -- keep doing what is best for you, keep your focus.
