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So one of my hardest struggles right now is trying to move through/get over the fact that my ex cheated and lied so much. He moved out thank god almost a week ago and is already involved with someone else....but our entire relationship he maintained secretive inappropriate female relationships and violently denied it. I keep trying to let go and get over and say its part of his addictive/distraction needing disease....but I just got a postcard in the mail to him from someone that clearly didn't know we lived at the same address!!! Sickening...I don't know how to deal with the hurt and shame...I saw him through his crashing and rehabing and early recovery...I was there when no one else was...loving him so much, giving my all to the love we shared. He dishonors me. I feel like he should be punished. I feel like he should tell the truth. I feel like I wish I had never given him my trust and body and heart and honesty and sincerity and amazing love!
There's a book called WHY DOES HE DO THAT?: INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN and theres a section about sexuality. The big thing that stood out to me is that these people know what they're doing and so long as they are given the free reign to do whatever, they'll do it to whom ever. In the words of Elvis, you can always write "return to sender" on the card. Moreover, it's not your responsibility to make him accountable to himself sexually. He will find himself becoming accountable, if not to you, then to another authority (usu. to the law). It is extremely hurtful and humiliating, but this is one where you can rest in peace knowing it is not a reflection on you. I would recommend the book though. And GAMES ALCHOLICS PLAY.
Jeeeeze i don't give a damn why they do it ,it is totally unexceptable behavior. If you cant have fidelity , loyalty and trust with your partner , why bother . You deserve someone who can be faithful if nothing else. Lying well that is another matter , there is a sick joke How do u tell if an alcoholic is lying , = are his lips moving ???? With concentrated effort a sober alcoholic will get to the truth , drinking I don't think so. Please don't take on the shame of his behavior , your not the one who was unfaithful. Have enough respect for yourself to protect yourself in a n intimate relationship , while being unfaithful he is showing no respect for you or your relationship or your physical health , sexually related diseases kill people .
i have been what you are going through. many years ago i loved a man, i had his child, i saw him in and out of jail, i put up with his violence, i believed his apologies, i went to aa with him, i saw him on the street with the woman he obviously spent the night with, no shame for what he had done, only ridicule as to "what are 'you' going to do about it" then one day, while i was at my moms, quietly embroidering his and her pillow cases, in my last month of pregnacy, a woman barged through the door, pregnant and screaming it was his child. i blocked that memory out of my head for many years. yes, i stayed with him even after that. [she was indeed pregant with his child] he convinced me she was crazy. now i know, yes, she was, but, so was i. two woman who had been affected by the disease of alcoholism [not to mention how that experience of her hysterically barging into my mothers home affected my mother and siblings] i eventually took my baby girl, left the province and moved across country to start over. i had nightmares up until about a year ago. my daughter is 27 years old. that is a long time to dream about such a bad man. i used to wake up so angry with myself......."i dreamt about him again and i can't stop the nightmare." my girls would wake me up........."mom you are screaming again." the only thing i can tell you my friend is continue with alanon: some people say "go through the pain". i heard at a meeting once "GROW through the pain". keep going to meetings, keep coming back , YOU ARE NOT ALONE. the best to you Fifi.
Let's make a deal... whoever figures out how to heal first can fill the other one in, okay? Interesting that your post is the first I saw this evening. I just came home from the grocery store having just seen "HER" and I can't stop crying. My heart physically hurts, and I am so sorry that you must endure the same thing. The pain and humiliation is almost unbearable, I know. Please know you are not alone.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I assumed my A was unfaithful, though he denied it repeatedly. This assuming saved me from an STD, so there's some good use for it :D .
I found out the 'truth', and my assumption was confirmed. It still hurt like I'd been stabbed. No I hadn't been sleeping with him since I knew he was using meth. I really understand the shame. I feel used, exploited and ashamed to have stayed with a man who regarded me so lowly.
Yet I've been more angry and disgusted than broken hearted that he did not return my love and fidelity. He could not and would not due to his disease.
Our hearts, minds and bodies are a precious gift that we give. You and I (sadly many others) have given to the wrong people. We don't ever have to do it again.
I am right there with you ladies. My ex stole my engagement ring and gave it to the woman he was cheating on me with. Ouch. Oh and there's more but it is enough to say I feel ya. I am not sure how the healing is happening but it is. I know that it wasn't about me. It isn't. He will continue on doing what he has always done. He will cheat on her just like he did me and the woman before me. I have to learn from what I have been thru. I want to live a good life and that behavior (his and my reaction to his behavior) is not going to help me live a good life. I cannot end up being the bitter old lady who was hurt and never let it go.....
One thing I have learned is sometimes you need to be quiet and sit back and watch your HP take care of it all. I can promise you that you will get revenge. You may have to wait, sometimes not. But it WILL happen. It never fails. Good riddens to this trash. You have a good heart and the ONLY way you are going to find someone who is worth you is to let this fool go. Think no more of him, he won't change. Let him be someone else's problem. Just be careful when he tries to come back...they always do. Hopefully you'll be stronger by then and tell him to pack sand! You can finally have happiness now....celebrate sweetie....CELEBRATE...He's doing you a wonderful thing. Mwah ((HUGS))
The pain begins to stop when you are able to accept that this person was defective -- without any cause from you. You have to learn to let it go, stop asking why you weren't enough, cause sweet heart you were, he just wasn't.
The pain begins to stop when you can let go and live in this moment, not in yesterday. The pain begins to stop when you become aware of what is going on in the here an now -- when you get busy, you get better.
I use to say I needed to get a life, then I was reminded by an alanon sister that I had a life, I just needed to live it. Yes, it was hard, yes there were days that I was stuck and lived in the past and all of the what ifs. I pined away for all the good times -- because there were good times. And I stayed in the pain for as long as I could stand it. Then I moved forward a little. I repeated this process for a good while. The thing was I kept moving forward, I may have stopped for a while but eventually when I was tired of the pain I moved forward again.
In many ways I wanted what was going on to be about me - that way if it were something I did, something I could control, then it was with in my power to fix. I was willing to sacrifice who I was to make it better...only I ended up losing who I was and it didn't change a thing. It is a hard road to rebuild yourself -- but what a journey. I can honestly say I am glad I have had this road to follow, because it's made me the person I am today. I am better for it.
You will find your way, you will find who you are. What has happened will strengthen you. You gave of yourself and it wasn't returned. It hurts and I am sorry for your pain. Just know that you aren't alone and you will make it thru this.
It hurts - I know, I've been there myself. What I've learned to accept is that they have not yet emotionally matured and are unable to handle an intimate and honest relationship. That is what keeps them stunted and though not fair, we can not force their growth or get them to feel to be that person we need them to be. As just don't do well in emotional reciprocation. That early stage dating, honeymoon phase, non-intimate is much easier for them thus the reason they have lots of trivial relationships. They don't want people too close - it becomes almost another form of addiciton. HOpe that helps at least from the understanding. I was enraged and had to go trhough a lot of emotions and counseling to understand as well, it helps but it still hurts. The serenity pray helps. We just can't change. I hope you find someone awesome who is capable of reciprocating the awesome love you have to share!
They say that A's lie, blame, and then cover up. It fits mine. They aren't crying themselves to sleep like us. They are fighting the disease through denial. Take care of yourself.
The person who needs to be feeling shame is the person who behaved badly - not you.
There is nothing weak or stupid about trusting the person you love and have made vows to. Trusting and believing in your mate is not a character flaw. Because he did not merit the trust does not mean that you were wrong to bestow it.
For me, it is helpful to look at the cheating in the context of his disease - just another way for him to avoid reality. Looked at that way, I can really understand that it was NOT ABOUT ME. He didn't cheat on me because I was not good enough. He cheated because he was a sick man, chased by demons. I could have been Pamela Anderson crossed with Mother Teresa, he still would have cheated.
That part of it that IS mine is "Why did I allow it?" "What damage has this done to my confidence and self esteem, and how can I rebuild it?" These are issues that can be dealt with by working the steps.
