The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is the alchoholic and what is just the person, my husband is one year sober now, and I still get played, I'm not reacting not asking why not taking his inventary just wondering what is it, that makes a person act this way, not conveying feelings, dislikes, almost as if an enjoyment is to be had by suffering in silence and building grudges against people that have no clue why or what's the matter, untill they decide it's time to let you know, and I just don't get it, drinking used to escalate the problems but now he's sober and still he cannot be honest about his wants and needs, I feel like I get lulled into a false sence of security and then it get's pulled from under me. I know this isn't about me in the least but it's my life too and it's a cruel way to be treated.
I have read that even though they are sober, the "isms" can still be there for quite some time. Does he attend any meetings at all for himself? There is also information on "dry drunks", that you may want to consider reading, which may help you understand his behaviour. Sorry I cannot be of more help , as I never had the "pleasure" if you will,, to have my ex AH , become sober.
I'm fairly new to recovery myself and know I still have a lot to learn. But having said that, I can give you my opinion based on what I have been through myself.
You don't say if your husband is on a recovery programme. Is he attending meetings and working the steps? Does he have a sponsor? Just not drinking is not enough to recover from the illness.
If he is on a recovery programme, there will be many changes in himself to work through and as far as I know this is a complicated time for those at this stage. There are often emotional changes and behaviour changes to work through.
The insidious nature of this disease affeats everyone in its midst. Thats why its important to create boundaries for ourselves. And then relay these boundaries clearly to those around us.
I disagree that it isn't about you Katy. This is your life. It is about you. You can chose how you allow people to treat you. Time to be kind to yourself. You are so worth it.
My H goes to AA every now and then, he's not working a programme and doesn't have a sponser or work any steps, I think his behaviour is out of order and I don't know how to tackle it, I can be living thinking everything is fine and then I descover he's deeply troubled by something I had no idea what, it comes totally out of the blue, I don't own his moods now they're his, I'm learning through Alanon to do that, I know thats how I got sick, sick from thinking it was me, my fault, my failings, I am making huge progress with my programme but find it very difficult living with his uncertainty.
Do depressed, narcissistic people become addicts more often? In my opinion, probably yeah. Does using make it worse. Undoubtedly yeah.
I think that this is the reason that sometimes couples split up after sobriety-- because we think the substance is the problem-- not just a symptom of the underlying personality/mental disorder.
My AH has not been sober long enough yet for me to figure out if I like the new "him". Time will tell. I hope I like what is uncovered-- but who knows? I know I was not enjoying the other version any longer.
best wishes- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
They say that if you take the rum out of a fruitcake you still have a fruitcake. If you sober up a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief. The A in my life is NOT a nice person drunk or sober.
I don't like to attribute all of a person's bad behaviour to their using. Sometimes it is just bad behaviour and has to be dealt with accordingly.
I raised a little one that was not mine. She had a multitude of problems. It became my job to figure out when it was the ADD, when it was the Tourette's and when she was just being a little shithead 6, 7, 8, 9 year old etc. I dealt with all things differently. She has become a wonderful adult and learned to be responsible for her stuff because of this.
I use this in dealing with the A's in my life. Sometimes they are just being jerks because they are jerks. Sometimes people are just not nice folks. I keep my side of the street clean and that is all I can do.
lilms
-- Edited by lilms at 13:50, 2007-07-10
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
This is just my opinion, if you find this behavior unacceptable then there is no reason not to say so. Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean. Sometimes we just have to say, okay, this is unacceptable and walk away from it, no arguing, no trying to change them, just not particpating in it.
Call him on it next time you think you are having the rug pulled out from under your feet. You aren't a mind reader and it isn't fair for him to think you are. There's nothing wrong with stating that. There's nothing wrong with refusing to accepting his aggrivation or irratation either. Let him keep it, it's his.
Keep your focus on yourself, remember what is your and what is his, let him keep what is his. You don't have to participate in it.
Congrats on his sobriety. I agree with GG about the aisms. Mine does go to AA, not as often as he would like, especially right now. But he has had the great benefit of not only working AA but with outpatient mental health. He has some issues to deal with. He is also on medication because he has a chemical inbalance in his brain. Those first years of sobriety are so hard. My A can get very quiet and I have learned just to let it be. But if you are unhappy with some of his behaviors, by all means talk to him about it. There maybe something going on that you are unaware of.
Keep in mind too (something hubby told me), that if you have pretty much known him all the while he was active and he you, then things might change. For me, the dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. Keep your program close.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
