The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I done it, I finally told this guy how I feel, In a moment of anger, by text.. After no contact for 9 days from both of us, I saw him going out Sat night, As I was getting dressed to go to my f2f. I had been having a few days where I was under stress, and taking it out on everyone else. I was aware of this. (Not proud of myself).
So, when I saw him going out, I just went mental. I felt, rejected, used, and totally sh*t. I watched him drive out the street and I sent a text, It said....."God forgive me, you are a B*****D, and I hate you, for hurting me again".. ( I know people would say I "Let" him hurt me, maybe so).
I went to my f2f as I was picking up members, and I was crying. I said to them, I'm going home again, they said "No Ally", This is the best place for you to be. So I stayed, I cried for the full 90 mins, i was hurting so much. It was like all these months just exploded in my head.
I came home, and called my work to say I was not going in the morning. I went out for 2 hrs this morning as it was Sunday, and cover would be impossible. I came home and slept for a few hrs. I have been exausted this week, sleeping all the time. (Need a thyroid check).
So, this morning HIS car has not moved, he has not moved, and he usually goes out on a Sunday. So, as an Al-Anon how am I feeling.....Guess.....Guilty, ashamed of my behavour, questions going on in my head...Is he hurting, is he drinking.....WHY, do I need to know this, Its not my business.
I am totally surprised at my actions. People have been telling me for months, To forget about him, he's not worth it, I am worth more than this treatment. And I struggle to believe this. WOW...If an Alco, doesn't want me, what chance have I got......
So Just for today, I am in a horrible place. Maybe it's called "reality"...lol
I need to put the focus on me, He has NEVER saw this from me before, aimed at him, and who knows what he's thinking.....Usually when we do this, he takes a few days to think about things, then will get in touch with me.
I need to NOT expect this from him. I have probly hurt him, and I am not proud, but I have been hurting for such a very long time....Maybe this is my time to let go. I'm praying for guidence on this one...
Instead of wondering what he is thinking about it. Wondering how he is gonna respond to it........ He takes a few days, his car has not moved, he went out, he will get in touch with me....to be blunt here...sigh...shag him!!! lol
As you yourself said here "I need to put the focus on me"
Is there some way you can NOT see when he goes out? Not see when his car has not moved?
I know for me, a hugh gift I got when my ex wife moved out was that she moved to a place in town that I had to make a special effort to drive by to check up on her. I had enough program in me NOT to do this......most of the time..hehehe. Now had she been some where on the way to the store or work or something..welll.....hmmmm....that woulda been a lot easier for my sick little mind to justify a quick peak over there ..just to make sure everything is okay with her..
It was so hard for me to stop obsessing about my ex. It took hard work. It took lots of prayer, and lots of meetings. LOTS of MEETINGS!!
I had to focus on myself and I had to detach from myself. I had to monitor David's thoughts constantly and when they went down that road to her house again, I had to put the breaks on and turn off at the first alley<--- thats alley NOT ally!!--- available!!!
I had to become aware I was doing it first off! sheese. Codependency sucks!
Don't beat yourself up for expressing your feelings to him. Good or bad, they are yours. When I do something like that, I just look at my actions see if I need to change anything and move on. If I need to make an amends for something I do it. I don't make amends for expressing my feelings anymore by the way. Sometimes the method of delivery isn't the best, but thats okay too . Just doing the best I can.
Hang in there missy, and keep going to those meetings!!!
I believe there are certain "laws of the universe", which I usually keep silent about because they sometimes aren't understood and can be controversial. What I will say is : read my signature line. It's undeniably true.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have been in a similar place and so feel for you. I think the answer for peace for me is really to detach and focus on me....easier said than done I know. But I stay busy - I stay focused away from him - I write down what feeds my soul and what makes me happy then intentionally do it. Just like Christy's signiture line....where we put our attention is our reality. I make plans for supper with a friend. I buy myself flowers. I talk to an old friend on the phone who always makes me laugh through my tears. I say THANKYOU for the simple blessings...my health, my kids laughter, the sunset, the stars, falling asleep and waking up knowing that I will not be yelled at about something that has nothing to do with me. Good luck.....Fifi
Here are somethings you might ask yourself. Did all this happen because you wanted to restart contact with him? Sometimes when we are making progress, the place we arrive at is so new and the feeling is so strange that we can sabotage ourselves by going right back to the same old behavior. It's more predictable, we know it, we can relate to it and it has it's comfortable side.
Let this go, you did what you did. Keep moving forward....you are worth it. Changing old behaviors/patterns take time. Hang in there.
This is really very simple, he is the way he is and treats you the way he sees fit and it is up to you to "take it" or not...it is really that simple.
NOTHING you say or think or ask or do and NOTHING that we say or think of to say or think about his responses to you is going to change him one single bit. You can write him letters until you are blue and your hand falls off and you can pschoanalyze him and ask us to until we all go nuts from the effort and still it won't change him one bit.
So far, for whatever reason, you have chosen to put up with his behavior, whatever you are getting from him it has been worth it to you to put up with his treatment of you.
Ok, accept that, so be it. Whatever it is you are getting from him it has been worth it to you...OK...just maybe at one point you need to re-evaluate if whatever you are getting from him is still worth it to you.
I think someone else has said it...you can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear. This man is who he is, and after such a long relationships you KNOW "who" this man is. -
You say you have a great physical relationship with this man, ok, maybe that is worth it to you, think carefully about this. You are trying to take that and build him into the kind of person you want to have a FULL relationship with and it just aint going to work. You can't build him into ANYTHING. It just aint there...
He has shown you that a physical connection at his leisure is all he is about. Take it or leave it...
At least he does not lie to you, unless you corner him and nag and bully him into it and he feels he must give you what you DEMAND to get away from your incessant harrassment to give you more.
I say this with a lot of love Ally, you are so kind and giving to others, I hate to see this man drive you to such desperate measures.
I could not read that LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG letter you wrote him, I read like 1/10 through and got dizzy from the effort. Most men hate those kind of letters and a long one is going to drive them INSANE and only push them away more since they will think you are NUTS to take the time to write it when they made it clear that they are not worth that much of your effort.
Ally gurl, think carefully about what it is that you get from him...what he GIVES you...NOT WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO GIVE YOU, or his "potential". The only potential this man has is to keep being poison for you and driving you nuts. Don't be in love with YOUR made up version of him in your fantasies in your head.
That is why you feel nuts, because your "fantasy" in your head, which you believe is the REAL him inside of him, is totally different than the reality of what he really is and how he treats you.
Wake up! If you enjoy a physical relationship with him and you can live with only that in a relationship, see it for what it really is and if that is what you want that is your decision. Most women aren't content with just that and you need to examine yourself to see if you are one of those women. You probably are since you are so upset.
Ok, if you are one of those women, who can't just have a purely physical relationship with a man with no string attached and not want more, then know yourself and stop putting yourself through this torture.
Ally, you ARE worth it to give yourself what YOU need to be happy...and if it is more than just a physical relationship with no strings attached then DON'T SETTLE!!!!
Aloha Ally!! I am laughing and a bit blushing also at your experience. Why? because of course I have done the very same thing and used a different "B" word!! LOL. If the woman made my heart skip a beat and gave me some attention I signed in for ownership. That is some of the hell I put my alcoholic thru. I tried to throughly pin her to the inspection card and keep her under the highest of powers on the microscope. She didn't have a life of her own and I was always suspicious of who, what, where, when and why of her life and that was before we agreed to stick around together. I have traveled up to 300 miles round trip to keep tabs on her. (What I found out was that I didn't really own her...it was the other way around) That was only one event. Another was when we were separated (often) this couch potato took up jogging so that I felt inconspicuous as I jogged past our apartment (I was the one who was gone) to see who, what, where, when and why was happening. That was 4 miles bothways. Sick puppy!! I was gone, somewhere else having my own life and I wanted her life also. I hated to even walk faster than I had to.
Eventually I learned in Al-Anon that I kept setting myself up for repeating a 10th step. Of course I wasn't surprised that she didn't want to hear it after sooo many times. I wouldn't have!! Gratefully in time she got into recovery and we were able to talk and really fall in love and go our separate ways. That is what was supposed to happen in the first place but I decided to throw a net over her, cram her into a cage and take her home from the bar. Creative thinking!!
So how much of yourself do you want to give away? Was what you did disrespectful and hurtful? What is the consequence of making an apology; not making an apology? Just a little bit of recovery work I do with myself and of course others have mentioned some of their thoughts. I found, for me, that there were times I was more hurtful than the alcoholic was. I found that I had lousy justifications for what I did and didn't do anything to make it right because fear, shame, guilt and a bruised ego and false pride owned my spirit until I learned to have compassion for those I hurt. "You get what you give" and I like being there for others to help make things right when they come to me with honesty. After it happens I detatch and continue to focus on my spiritual growth.
Just some ole time esh. Thanks for the honest post. (((((hugs)))))
Not quite! More like "love and value Ally enough to tell the truth because she is in so much pain and so stuck she keeps venting over and over again here until we are in so much pain to see someone we love like this, we feel compelled to risk speaking the truth...out of love".
Think of that saying, "The squeeky wheel gets the grease".
Clearly you are not ready to hear the truth about this situation...and that is OK...keep venting and staying stuck as long as you need to. I just had to clarify my reasons for saying what I did and no, it was NOT to "get you". From now on I will keep my ESH to myself regarding your painful situation since you are not ready to hear the truth and are misconstruing the meaning. When the student is ready...the teacher will present him/herself, clearly that is not now.
With lots of love to our dear sweet loveable funny cheerful bundle of light girl, Ally.
--- available!!!
. Just doing the best I can.