Please forgive me if I come across as silly or naive - I have had no experience with legal matters before, and am from Ireland so a lot of the terminology is new to me.

Anyway - here goes.

My husband and I have been married 6 years - he is a binge-drinking alcoholic (meaning he doesn't drink all the time, but will go on a several day long binge every couple of months). I abhor drinking (my father was an alcoholic) and he hid his drinking from me until after we were married. We have had many verbal arguments and mud-slinging episodes when he is drunk - I really can't be with an alcoholic - I fully admit that I start arguments and go after him verbally when he is drinking. I can't just sit and bite my tongue like some women, even though I try to stay detached. I have considered leaving before - but this is a decision that cannot be taken lightly, because due to my immigration status (we are legally married and he is American, but we never had the money to file my permanent residency paperwork, so essentially I am an illegal immigrant) if I leave the US I would be banned from re-entering for 10 years. So if I was going to leave, I needed to be really sure it was the right thing to do - and that never seemed to be the case. We could always work it out for a while (we are both therapists - hilarious), and because it wasn't happening all the time, I suppose I was able to take the good and just weather the bad.He's not usually an obnoxious drunk, he basically just sits there drinking beer and watching TV for a couple of days.If any argument starts, I'm always the one who starts it.

But then I had our daughter 5 months ago. Instantly she became my top priority, of course. My husband was a complete disappointment for the first few weeks of her life - drinking a lot more (not wanting to face up to the responsibility) and just being no help to me even though I was recovering from complications from an emergency c-section and was in a lot of pain.

So I started to think more about leaving and going home to Ireland - where I have friends, family and a support network. Here we have no friends, and his family are scattered and I have never even met them. We agreed that we would all move home in a year - and I figured I would stick it out until then. Because I believe that we actually have a better chance of making it work back in Ireland.He doesn't think so, he believes that I'll have my friends and family all ganged up against him, though I don't dicuss his drinking with them. But when he drinks here I have nowhere to go and no one to go to - so I'm stuck in the 600 sq ft apt with him and it doesn't help matters. At least back home I can take the baby and go to my Mum's or whatever. I can diffuse the situation by leaving, and because he is no longer my sole source of friendship, companionship and conversation, I think I would be less resentful and feel less betrayed when he chooses to be drunk rather than present with me.

In recent months he has been working to get his drinking in order, and has been moderately successful. But a week ago he dropped the bombshell on me that he had looked into his retirement fund and he won't be able to draw a pension unless he stays 6 more years and he isn't willing to throw away what will amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars by going home next year. I can understand that - he works very hard to provide for us, and at his age (55, he is a lot older than me) it is very scary to move to a new country without a guaranteed job and no future financial security.But I was completely gutted - especially as I found out the next day that I am pregnant again. I can't be here, isolated, no support, with 2 children under 14 months old. I figured there was nothing else to do but leave - I began looking into getting a passport for my baby and trying to devise ways to save up money to leave.He makes a good living, but Long Island is so expensive that we never have any spare money really.I control the budget, and we work as a team to try to keep spending down.

That was the background - I'm sorry it's so long. If you're still with me, thank you. So we had the heart-to-heart to end all heart-to-hearts last Sunday. He swore on our marriage that if we stuck it out here for 6 more years he would move home with me like a shot, and also that he would get alcohol counselling and try to stop drinking completely. (He even wrote a document to this effect to get notarized).This has been his goal anyway for the last few months when he finally realised that he couldn't control his drinking and needed to seek help to stop completely.Prior to that, in a way to show that he had control, he came up with this bizarre thing where he drank on schedule one weekend in the month.I didn't need to say anything, after 3 months of it he realised that he couldn't control it because he always ended up taking the Monday or Mon & Tues off work because he couldn't stop and sober up on the Sunday.

So during this heart-to-heart I told him that the next time I see him drunk would be the last time - he agreed to this. Really it was such a tough boundary to set that I shouldnt have said it unless I was 100% committed to sticking to it, but I had no idea what was about to go down.Two days later, Tuesday, he came home from work with drink on him. I can always tell (like I said, my father was an alcoholic my whole life) though he swore blind he wasn't drinking. I really doubted myself, because there was no reason for him to be drinking.Usually there is a trigger of some sort - a big game on TV, trouble at work, around Christmas and when his parents died are triggers - but we had just sorted some things out between us, and were trying to get a fresh start.I was worried because he normally drinks beer, but this time he was obviously trying to conceal that he was drinking - so it was hard liquor that he was hiding somewhere and taking nips from - and the few times that he has done it that stuff it makes him crazy. I kept on and on at him to admit it (like it would make some big difference if he said it) - because I knew he was drinking, and I've never been wrong, and finally he admitted that he was. The reason? "To see what my reaction would be."I lost it. It was as if it was a game or something.Maybe testing that boundary that I had put in place before really deciding that I would follow through on it.

I screamed at him and called him a barrage of unrepeatables. Told him that he was a waste of space and I wish he would just die, that he wasnt fit to call himself a human and that he was a complete f8ck-up and always would be.That he ruined everything he touched and didn't deserve to be alive.I tried to leave and he blocked my access to the exit (there only is one - it's a basement apartment). The police had been out once before when my daughter was 6 weeks old (again, drinking concealed vodka, he was drunk and verbally nasty so I called them) and gave him a talking to - told him he couldn't block the exit or pull the phone out of the wall. So when he blocked the exit this time I said I was calling the cops - you guessed it, he pulled the phone out of the wall. I went into the bathroom - he thought I had the cell phone in there and was calling the cops (I didn't), so he broke the door down. I put my daughter in her swing so that she would be out of his way (he would never hurt her, but I wanted her to be safe if it came to a scuffle it has before between us) then I tried to run up the internal basement stairs and get our landlady (who lives upstairs) to call the police. He grabbed me and pulled me down the stairs, shoved me into the bedroom, pushed me down on the bed, and got on top of me and covered my nose and mouth with his hands. He "gagged" me by forcing his fingers into my mouth so that our landlady wouldn't hear me screaming for help. I was gasping that I couldn't breathe - but he thought I was faking (I have before) or didn't care. But I really couldn't get a breath - it's the only time I have ever been scared of him and the only time he has ever gotten physical with me. After a while he stopped and got off me - I don't know how long it was. I think he realised what he was doing and went into the living room and sat down on the sofa to calm down.I grabbed my daughter and again made for the door. I got out and up the steps, but he came after us and started pulling me back towards the apartment. I know that he would never hurt my daughter, so I saw it was my only chance. I handed the baby to him, then ran around the front of the house and knocked on my landlady's door. She let me in and called the cops. She had heard him kicking the bathroom door in, and had heard me screaming "get off me".

This was all on Tuesday night - the cops came and took him and I haven't seen or heard from him since. The cops/county pressed charges, not me. He was arraigned on Wednesday and "Menacing in the 3rd" was the charge. I was called by the prison social worker Thursday morning saying my A needed me to arrange for a lawyer to be present at his hearing on Friday morning in order to be be released on his own recognizance. It took a lot of doing - I had trouble finding someone to do it at such short notice and had to run (I don't drive) to my husband's job to pick up his paycheck and get it to the bank so there was enough in the account to cover the $450 lawyer retainer. BTW, he called me to do this because as I said before, we literally have no friends or family here.When alcohol isnt present we are very close and really look out for and support each other.

So I was expecting him to be released on his own recognizance the next day, Friday - but then late Thurday night I get a call from the DA's office, telling me that that a "stay away" order of protection that was put in place at the arraignment (I begged them to make it a "do not harass", but they wouldn't) was expected to stay in place, and that my husband would not be coming home. That he can only see us in the presence of a police officer and that he'll need to find somewhere else to stay for a couple of months until the next hearing. He also has to attend an alcohol programme, which really is a blessing.

But I was beside myself - I was expecting him home and I WANT him home. Him being away for a months just means that it'll take much longer to sort out what we're going to do - either trying to reconcile or splitting. He is mine and my daughter's sole source of financial support - we can't afford another rent. Property is so expensive here on Long Island - we pay $1200 a month for a 1 bedroom basement. If he has to find somewhere else then pay for both we are going to be in so much debt. The police weren't able to give me the names of any homeless shelters in the area - LI is quite an affluent place.The rent is due on Sunday and the landlady will probably kick me out if I can't pay (we have a month-tp-month lease, so she can do that) - she isn't thrilled about what went on, and I can't blame her. Plus I am pregnant and trying to look after an infant - I'm just exhausted, I can't do it alone. I don't drive in the US and depend on my husband for simple things even like going to the store - there are no shops within walking distance for me even to get diapers or formula or groceries. I just about had hysterics on the phone with the DA representative - she transferred me to the lawyer who was prosecuting at the hearing on Friday (well, the voicemail, it was too late to catch her), and I just about had a meltdown on the phone. I told her I wished I'd never called the police at all, and that I feel like I'm a double-victim and I don't know how I'll cope. I later phoned her voicemail again and left another message because with the stress of it all I had started to throw up and hyperventilate. I have a history of miscarriage, so I'm so afraid all this stress is going to have a negative effect on the baby.

I also called the lawyer that I engaged for my husband and got his voicemail - I said the same thing and repeated that I wished I'd never called the cops and that I'd gladly take back everything I said in the statement at this point if it meant he could get home. I know he's my husband's lawyer, but I don't care. I said I'd drop the charges, but I can't as I didn't press them.

I don't want an essentially good man's life ruined over this. He shouldn't have done what he did, but it has never happened before and although one can never say never, I am sure it will never happen again. Esp with the "do not harass" order of protection (if they eventually change it from the "stay away") and the alcohol programme. And besides, I am in no way convinced that I am going to stay with him. But nor do I want this hanging over him, or indeed him having to pay money for an extra apartment when I could be saving that money in order to leave.

The next hearing is a week from Monday I don't really know what it will entail.He did not get released on his own recognizance yesterday.He had the option to be released on $1000 bail but we do not have the money.His lawyer said that my husband was trying to get in contact with a co-worker or something to see if they could post bail, I don't know if that happened.If not he's going to have to be off work for at least a week and I dont know what is going to happen there as he doesn't have vacation or sick time saved up and was couselled before Christmas for time abuse.He has a secure State job, hopefully it's secure enough that he'll be able to keep it and not get fired.The thought of him there in prison just makes me so sad - he's a very sensitive person, I hope he's not being bullied or anything like that. Take the alcohol out of the mix and we're very alike - and I know I would be terrified.

My husband's atty called me after the hearing and said that the prosecuting DA had not mentioned to the judge that I wanted the charges dropped if possible and that I didn't want the order of protection, and that it would be helpful if I called the DA's office and re-iterated this.Which I did and they told me that the judge wouldn't have done anything anyway because I wasn't there and didn't say it myself (the defence atty told me I didn't need to be there and I was actually advised against going!), but that it was the defending atty's duty to bring these things up anyway, not theirs.At this point I don't know what's going on and who to listen to.

So I'll definitely have to be at the hearing the Monday after next.The DA rep said this is better because it gives me time to cool down.The problem is that the longer I have to think about it, and the longer I struggle on here by myself dead tired, pregnant, with a demanding teething infant, with no one to talk to and staring at these four walls, the more I realise it shouldn't have happened and I wish with all my heart that the police hadn't been called.

It was a snapshot of a single evening taken out of a 6 year marriage.No one asked about how we stuck together through 5 years of infertility, miscarriages, and IVF.No one asks about how he didn't leave my side during the nightmare 24 hr labour when the epidural didn't work, how he prayed by my bedside when the fetus showed digns of distress and I was delirious with a fever after 6 hours of pushing - he literally thought that my heart was going to give out.No one asks about how he comes rushing home from work at lunchtime just to spend some time with my daughter and I, or how he tries to make my life easier by running to the post office, pharmacy, grocery store, deli - every day after work hes doing some errand for me on the way home.No one asks about how every weekend he tiptoes around here and gets my daughter all washed and fed and changed so that I can sleep until noon.No one asks about how she squeals in delight and waves her arms and legs in excitement every time she sees him.No one asks about how he took time off to come to every prenatal appt with me even though I was high-risk and it was twice a week, and how he comes to every one of my daughter's pediatricaian appts.No one asks about how he has worked in the caring profession for 35 years, trying to advocate and make things better for disabled people, homeless people, the mentally ill, the elderly.Even though he's a social worker, a clinician, and isn't supposed to do it, he still physically helps out the direct care staff because they are always short-staffed - feeding, bathing, cleaning up piss and sh1t (he currently works with developmentally disabled adults) - instead of sitting behind his desk.

The DA rep said that the alcohol didn't cause this incident, and that is completely untrue.Because the alcohol caused the simmering resentment in me, caused me to snap, and caused him to snap.She said he has an anger management problem which is also untrue.Ordinarily he is very calm and never loses his patience.He's actually a pacifist, and has been politically active for various pacifist groups over the years - he's been protesting war and violence since the 70s, even getting his car vandalised because of the antiwar bumper stickers (we protested the war before it became normal to do so, before it even started in fact, back in 2003).

Anyway - thank you for listening - it was good to get it out. I'm hoping someone can help me by just talking. I can't eat a bite or sleep and have been throwing up since Wednesday - I'm literally worried sick. I just wish I could turn back time and that this never happened.

I really thought they would just throw him in jail for the night to sober up and let the situation diffuse - I never thought it would come to this.I think I exaggerated the seriousness of it all I my statement - I was very upset and hormonal too, and I wanted them to cart him off for the night because I was just too exhausted to contemplate putting up with a binge lasting to the weekend (he was off work the rest of the week for July 4^th).Also I didn't put in my statement that prior to the situation getting physical with me, I pushed him into the wall, and he hit his head on the lamp, which broke (the lamp, not his head).In the past I have gotten physical with him - I broke a mirror over his head once, have kicked and puched him, bitten him - he never retaliated.He would never call the police on me, has never even referred to these incidents again afterwards.Normally I'm a very even-tempered person, but everyone has their breaking point, I suppose.

I posted this on a free advice legal forum, frequented by lawyers.They basically laughed at the fact that we (my husband and I) are both social workers and said that I need to throw the book at him and that he's worthless.And also that I "needed to go on the Pill as this isnt a 3^rd world country" - I had omitted to mention in *that* post that we needed IVF to get pregnant and it took 5 years.I was on the Pill after having my daughter, but I breastfeed and it was affecting my milk supply, so I came off it.I have never needed the Pill anyway - I haven't ovulated on my own for over 10 years and our fertility specialist said our chances of getting pregnant on our own were about 0.5%.No one ever thought that having a baby might "fix" me, as it seems to have done.

Anyway, I just wanted to talk in a place that is more of a safe haven.It didn't occur to me at the time that lawyers arent really known for their bleeding hearts or compassion, LOL.From the amount of replies I got calling me stupid and him a hopeless case, they obviously don't feel that people can change, be rehabilitated or redeemed.But people do know that here and as I used to work as a family therapist back home (in Ireland, where alcoholism is almost epidemic), I know it too.

I just dont know what I'm supposed to do now will I get in trouble if I try to change my statement?My husband was literally covering my mouth to get me to stop calling for someone to call the police, not to deliberately hurt me.Because having the police come and have his job jeopardised is a huge fear of his when he drinks.The lawyers on that site said I needed to co-operate with the prosecution and get a conviction, otherwise I could get in trouble - is this true?I've since noticed that there is an error in my statement anyway (I don't think it was my fault my accent is thick and the policeman had trouble understanding me.He wasn't too swift anyway, to be honest - he didnt know how to spell my landlady's name "Jean", and had to count on his fingers to get my husband's age when I gave him the birthdate) - it says "strangulation" where it should say "suffocation" I suppose. He put his hand over my nose and mouth, but I don't remember saying that he tried to choke or strangle me.And if I did say that it isn't true - he was trying to stop me calling out, he wasn't trying to physically harm me.Though he did end up physically harming me, because I had trouble breathing.So it's the same thing, I suppose - except he didn't try to strangle me.

The ironic thing is that I really thought I didn't love him any more, and I've told him so every time he's been drunk recently (actually, I tell him that I hate him, not just that I dont love him - I've told him that when he's sober too), but now that he is gone I realise I do.He always wanted to try to work things out and stay together - now I doubt he will.I think that bar cheating on him, doing this was probably the only thing that would shake his faith in me. And if neither of us trusts the other, what's the point? So it looks very much like we will end up splitting - probably for the best, I know.But I never wanted anything like this to happen.

I suppose the lesson is if you set a boundary, dont set it in the heat of the moment, but be absolutely sure that you will follow it to the letter.If I had really meant it, then calling the police and the consequences would have meant nothing to me but that isnt the case.