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I had a lawn sale today. I did it all by myself. I hate selling my stuff, it is just so awkward. I had a hard time hanging up the signs because I feel like someone is going to yell at me. But I did it. And it went well, the neighbors came out and chatted, that was great. I made a bit of money (which I need so badly). I had asked my mother to come help. She came this morning after working all night. She got here, I left to hang the signs. By the time I got back she had taken much of the stuff that I had priced and put out back into my house. I knew she was going to do that. She either wanted it or thought that I shouldn't be getting rid of it. I expected this behavior, she is very, very sick when it comes to "stuff". She is like those people you see on T.V where they can't walk thru their house because of the "stuff". Broken toys, magazines from 10 years ago, her mother's cancelled checks from the 70ies, styrofoam cups from McDonalds, used ziplock bags, you get the idea. She can't let go of ANYTHING! It has gotten to a point where it is ruling her life and one of the many things that stand between us. So, she threw a TANTRUM when I took the things she had brought back in the house and set them back outside. She was pushing me and yelling at me that this cutting board she bought for me ( 10 years ago) cost her 15 dollars and it has my daughter's name on it ( which it doesn't, it has a bunch of herbs on it and my daughter's name is spelled similarly to an herb) How can I NOT save it for her (my daughter, who is 12) so she can have it when she gets her own place..... My daughter.....who is 12.....My mother thinks I should save a used cutting board for my 12 year old because there is an herb on it that is spelled similarly to her name and when she moves out and gets her own place then she will have this cutting board. My mother was actually crying and screaming at me about this. In front of a couple who were looking around. I don't know how to respond to her. At all, but especially when she does this which is more often than not these days. I just asked her to leave. She stood there and yelled at me some more, about how I am an ungrateful brat, spoiled, cold, I don't know anything about holding onto good stuff, etc. It was really getting to me and very embarrassing as it was infront of these two people. I just told her to leave. She started grabbing things and telling me she was going to take them with her. Then she started talking to these people pushing them to buy things. She finally left. I got a call from her cousin to tell me how awful I am. I just said there is more than one side to every story and hung up. My mother is really sick. She always has been but it really seems like it's getting worse. And I need her. I have NO family at all. She is all the kids have. My dad's gone, my ex- inlaws don't want anything to do with the kids. My mother is it. If I cut her out of our lives I have no family at all. SO, I continue on. BUt I do not know how to deal with her behaviors. I really don't have a clue as to how to work the program in this situation. Although, as soon as she's gone, I am fine. I am not obsessing about her, or what I should have said or done. BUt In the moment, I don't know how to react......?
I feel for you seredipity, what an awful situation. It sounds like you handled it find though. I think it is great that you went ahead and had a yard sale, that takes a lot ofguts, I don't like having them either, they are a lot of work.
lol.... its not funny but I could relate to your mum....So easily....I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder)> And one of the things I do is hoard stuff. I will NOT throw it out, especially if its sentimental to me. Which maybe sounds like the chopping board was to your mum.
Ask yourself a question "How Important is it" ????? Would you have made a whole lot of money on the chopping board? Would it take up much room to put it away and keep it for your daughter? If only to satisfy your mum??? Small sacrafices are woth it to keep the peace and "Get" peace...lol
Sometimes its NOT about the argument at all. Maybe the whole day put you under stress, and you used the damb "Chopping board" to try and get by your anxieties.....
Yep mums can be brutal, and embarassing...lol
But you only got one mum.....
Also try using you Al-Anon tools...."Keep it simple" and "Easy does it".
You mention you KNOW your mum is sick....There for the grace of god, YOU have the programme, shes not, wheres your compassion..
Im NOT suggesting you bow down to her every time....But I once heard the saying....we need to lose a few battles to win the war....
People are who they are, unfortunately. I do an invention I call the "museum gaze" when someone is going off the deep end.
I detach and imagine I'm observing the person actin-a-fool behind the glass case at a museum. I'm outside the case simply looking and not participating. It rattles people sometimes that I look at them like I'm watching TV..lol I'm sure they are awaiting a response they never get. They are left with only their own actions. Try it, you'll like it :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
We have someone in our family who is a lot like that. I would never under any circumstances let her know when I was having a yard sale - no point asking for trouble!
And, I guess that is the way to deal with her - accept that this is the way she is, and as much as possible try not to interact with her when it comes to 'stuff'. I have no qualms about lying to my sister about things like that - she will make me take something, I will say "Thank you", and when I get home I'll throw it out. When she asks how it worked, or fit, or whatever, I say "Fine". You don't need to fight every battle.
Next time you're planning a yard sale, wait until your mom is out of town....
People are who they are, unfortunately. I do an invention I call the "museum gaze" when someone is going off the deep end.
I detach and imagine I'm observing the person actin-a-fool behind the glass case at a museum. I'm outside the case simply looking and not participating. It rattles people sometimes that I look at them like I'm watching TV..lol I'm sure they are awaiting a response they never get. They are left with only their own actions. Try it, you'll like it :)
Christy
Ooh, I do that when my parents yell at me, I've been doing it for years (unintentionally, most of the time) and it makes them so much madder at me. Then they yell at me for being a zombie and all this other stuff. I'm glad it works better for you than it does for me.
That was your big mistake serendipity. I am sure you realize that now. You know how Mom is, so best, in the future, leave her out of the housecleaning, tossing out activity!!!
Best to ya,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:48, 2007-07-07
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
