The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I haven't been around too much lately - busy and sad time.
My husband's cancer progressed faster than we expected it to, and he died last week. He died at home, just at the beginning of the journey we both dreaded - pain and incapacity, hospitals and tubes ...
The last few weeks of his life had me as almost full time caregiver. This was in some ways a blessing - we had time and opportunity to say some of the things that needed to be said. It was also very difficult, for both of us, and we didn't always handle it in the best way. All in all, though, I am glad that I was there, and very glad that I was able to show him how much I loved him.
One thing that came up during his sickness that was a real test of my alanon skills, was his reaction to the pain medication he was on. Certain combinations of drugs led to behaviour that reminded me too much of that crack addict I used to know. It was very hard for me to be loving and open, when my insides were shouting "No, No! Scared of you, hate you...." Thank god, the last week of his life his meds were better balanced, and he got back the personality that he has had the four years of his sobriety - not perfect, but one that I was able to love and respond to. I was sad to see that when I was faced with the raving, rage and paranoia of his drinking, drugging, days, I reacted the same way as I did ten years ago - tears followed by blowing up. Oh, well, progress not perfection, as we say. At least I was able to recognize it when it happened....
So, I'm working on allowing myself to feel both the grief and the relief, and slowly get into life-as-it-is-now. In one way, the kids and I are lucky for the way we lived throughout our marriage. My husband's work took him out of town a lot - there was nothing unusual in him being gone for weeks at a time. So we don't really miss his physical presence that much, it's the knowledge that this time he won't be coming home that's hard....
Thanks so much all of you for the support you have shown.
You are in my thoughts and prayers too. When it gets dark and the grief and pain seem like everything in the whole world, we are here loving you. This is one time in life where ANY feeling or emotion is the right one to be experiencing.
Whatever you must do to care for yourself and your kids is also the right thing. I hope you have someone you don't have to be strong with, just yourself and your grief. I'm so sorry, but glad his suffering is over and he is at peace now.
Thank you for showing us your determined strength and that we really can survive most anything. I was grateful to read that your husband passed fairly quickly instead of months of suffering, that's a true blessing for your family. Cry when you need to cry and laugh when you can...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
We are here for you any time of day or night if you need us. Treasure the memories of the good times in your marriage. You showed forgiveness by being there for him at the end. The rest is insignificant. The depth of your big heart shines through to us. Luv Leo xxx
(((((((((((((((((((lin)))))))))))))))))))))) Have missed you, & am so sorry to learn the reason for your absence, yet grateful that the dreaded journey was shorter rather than longer.
You probably already know this, but - grieving is okay. Abbey Press puts out little pamphlets called CareNotes - some of these are very good, if you feel like checking it out. As one of their pamphlets for kids puts it - Sad Isn't Bad, when someone you love dies.
Know this too: your esh has helped me so much. Never doubt that you make a difference.
