The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was with my Abf we had some nasty arguments. Towards the end we seemed to fight all the time. We were as bad as each other. Except I even lashed out a couple of times. I am so, so guilty about this. As we are now distanced I am realising how sick he is, and how sick I was myself. I am getting slowly better now though.
I am ridden with guilt for being horrible to him when we had arguments.This is because I can now see how gripped by addiction he is.
Some one here told me 'hurt people hurt people'. How true in this case. I pray for him, and can do no more. Does this guilt ever go away, I wonder. What does it take? AM
My Sponsor called this the "curse of awareness" because we become aware of our own behavior and it isn't so pretty to look at. Do you have a sponsor? They can help you keep all of this "awareness" in perspective...like you were doing the best you could with the coping tools you had a the moment.
Also are you working your steps in order? This is the point where I did a 9th step and I hadn't made it thru the first 4 yet LOL. All I knew was that the guilt was over powering, I wasn't staying in contact with my sponsor and I went out and gushed all my "I'm sooo sorry" s to my A .... it was like handing him ammunition for the future. Please, if you can gain anything from my ESH - work the steps in order.
It's good to come under this "awareness" it offers us a chance to change -- it's not comfortable but it's a good place to be in. You will grow from this.
And yes -- as you work the steps the guilt does get better, we grow and have an understanding of who we were at that moment in our lives and why we behaved that way...we also learn a better way
What has been said , has been said. There is nothing you can do about the past , now, however you can learn from the past, and be aware of your triggers, and deal with them as they arrive. It is so easy to get enmeshed in anothers "crap", and get engulfed in the heated moment and strike back. I know I have. It is hard on the other hand to keep calm, bite your tongue, and detach from an arguement/fight. The A's in our lives can use words that sting, and human reaction is to sting back. In alanon we learn to keep our dignity and detach with love, walk away, or even leave the premisses, so we dont fuel the fire. We can use lines like "You may be right". Or "I will talk to you tomorrow" etc This way you are not left feeling guilty, and wondering what went wrong?? I have read the A already feels so guilty because of his drinking, that he/she may create an arguement , so they can justify their next drink etc. If you dont buy into it, they cannot blame anyone else but themselves. The guilty feelings we suffer is so great, after the fact, where as the A just goes and grabs another justified drink. Just as we dont want them to drink, we also dont want to give them a reason to drink either.
When I had became aware of "my part" in the dysfunction in our home and also began to feel the emotions that I had been stuffing for many, many years - the burden of guilt almost overwhelmed me.
I had been attending my f2f meetings for over 6 months, never had cried at all in any of those until the guilt feelings started to emerge. It was a tough process to work thru, but I did get thru it.
Working the Steps thru it helped me tremendously. Especially in realizing that not all the guilt I had was mine to carry.
Now when I start to have those feelings of guilt & shame - I can ask myself if this is realistic guilt or unrealistic guilt? I can call a recovery friend to share their e,s, & h to see if my thinking is going in the recovery way or back in old unhealthy behaviors. Then the most important is I ask my HP to help heal me of this guilt and shame to restore me to the precious child that he loves so much so that I may continue my life as he has planned.
That's just my e, s, & h in dealing with the uncomfortable feeling of guilt,
Wishing you peace,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
To me, this is one of the very foundations of Al-Anon, and our own recovery.... we learn to be "gentle with ourselves" and learn to love and respect ourselves once again, as the battle scars from living around alcoholism can quite often deflate us.... There are several sayings/slogans that helped me, but my very favourite one is:
"I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time"
You are learning and growing in your awareness and recovery.... that is all good.... Be kind to you - you deserve it!!
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
