The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to all of this. Just wondering around on the net and found this site. I am wondering if my husband is an alcoholic - of course, he says he isn't. He drinks at least a 12 pack 5 to 6 nights a week. He drinks by himself. I ask for the weekends to be "family" oriented and he usually complies. I have told him several times that I think he has a problem and his reply is "Then everybody I work with (he is in the construction business) has a problem." He says that it shouldn't matter how much he drinks because he does not change. But, he does. He becomes more confrontational and verbally abusive. He does this in front of our 2 kids. I have thought about leaving, but don't know if this is the best thing to do. Sorry for rambling, just getting some things off of my chest.
welcome to Miracles in Progress. MiP has been a tremendous gift to many of us who are dealing with the effects of alcoholism. I think that you have come to the right place!!!
here, we try to change our own focus from the insane, irresponsible behavior of the alcoholic/addict. al-anon is a program that teaches us skills and tools to make "better" or informed choices, gives us hope and encouragement when we are tired of the same 'ol arguments, and also gives us an outlet to progress and grow as a human/mother/father/son/daughter etc..
when i first came to this room and my Face to Face group (F2F), i was close to going nuts from all the chaos caused by my alcoholic wife. it had affected not only every part of her life - but mine, also. my work suffered, my house suffered, my thinking was distorted, i had to tiptoe around my own house all the time -- walking on eggshells -- trying to be careful not to set her off by saying or doing the "wrong" thing. but then i got here and learned:
You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You definately can't control it.
I am only responsible for me and my actions. The bad choices and abusive nature of my wife were hers to deal with. When that bad behavior was thrown back at me, I learned that I could DETACH from it. She can accuse me of anything she wanted, and that manipulation used to work real well -like i did something wrong, which is the reason she could find to drink- but not anymore.
As I progressed in the program, I found a way to put up BOUNDARIES -- make her responsible for her actions. I told her what I can't live with. I can't live with the lies/manipulation of an active alcoholic. I asked her to stop. She said she would - but was drinking the very next day. We are separated now.
I know this was kind of long-winded, but what I wanted to express to you is that you are not alone. Dealing with an alcoholic (and I believe your spouse is qualified) is too hard to do alone. The chaos, manipulation, lying, irresponsibility, verbal/mental/emotional and sometimes physical abuse can take us down a dark path. Here, we can talk to each other and reason things out. We are a big family with lots of love and support.
If you don't like anything that is said in any of these rooms or posts, you are welcome to "Take what you like, and leave the rest."
again, welcome to MiP and much love to you yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
You have found the right place. The only requirement for joining Al-anon is concern for a loved ones drinking. If this is affecting you, then please come into the healing of an Al-anon Family group. MIP isn't meant to take the place of F2F meetings. But the online support is a great start. It's not up to us to change the alcoholic or to get them to "see" they have a problem. It's up to us to find our own solutions for us and make our choices that honor and meet our needs. Sometimes that results in the alcoholic getting help for themselves and sometimes not. But what the program DOES promise is that we can find peace and serenity regardless if the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
Hello and welcome to our board , it really dosnt matter how much he drinks or how often what matters is how it affecting YOU . Al-Anon will help u to understand just what it is that your dealing with , forget what u think u know about alcoholism and learn how it is affecting you . It is possible to get happy regardless of what he is doing , your not responsible for his behavior , and your not the reason he drinks . regardless of what he says your simply not powerfull enough to make anyone drink or stop. Leave the problem with him where it belongs , learn to detach from his verbal abuse and continue to love the man . I believe that the Al-Anon program is the reason I was able to stay in my marriage I didnt want to give up either . Al-Anon keeps the focus on my needs and encourages me to get my life back on track . Have never been sorry I stayed and after many yrs I still continue to go to f2f meetings and today I go for me . this is a great way to live . hope u give us a try . You will also learn here to set some boundaries for your husb abusive attitude booze talk can be very hurtful and it is booze talk learning to separate the man from the booze takes awhile , but it is possible . Louise
Hi, and welcome... I just had to tell you I heard those same words come out of my husband's mouth... about everyone he works with has a problem.... My husband was a project control engineer for a worldwide construction company for 18 yrs.. What I found amusing in your post is that it's true. Everyone my husband worked with DID have a drinking problem. From the boss to the laborers, even his secretary that died of liver disease when she was 38 yrs old, leaving a 17 yr. old son.
Do your best to keep the focus on you and your needs. I know it's hard at first when you ask "what would make me happy?" At first the answer in my head was always "I would be happy if he'd stop drinking". Since that didn't happen for a very long time I had to find what REALLY made me happy. I began doing things on my own or with my kids. Making new friends at Alanon and having some fun. I too wanted weekends to be family time but my husband didn't comply so I made it family time without him. He missed out on a lot of fun stuff and memories that he can never make up for. He chose to sit in the bar instead. I can't tell you how glad I am that I found the strength within (via Alanon tools) to bust out of that bubble that made my mental health (or lack of) swirl around him and his actions.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
