The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have been married for over 20 years. My AH has not had a drink in 45 days. He now takes evening walks with me - won't talk, will help around the house, hardly talks, and we make love and he says "I love you." I tried to get him to talk about us and he states everything is fine - look at all I do. I told him I need emotional intimacy not "service." He states he is. How do I get him to communicate? How do I get him to understand?? For example, he emails and states lets go out, I find a babysitter, and then 4 hours later he states he's tired. Then a hour later he decides all of us go out so I am chasing the little ones.
We use to talk, etc. Now we don't. I only mentioned this once since he was upset I was greatful. I miss the intimacy. Boy am I dumb thinking he asked for forgiveness, gets it and then he refuses to talk anymore about us, etc.
Does it ever get better?? Will he ever communicate about us?? I feel more lonely now than before.
Just my ESH. I can totally understand being frustrated with no communication. When my husband quit drinking I had already left him. We still talked on the phone and I seen him every now and then. Now we are working on our marriage and it has been going pretty good, but has had its ups and downs. Which, I think are normal.
As far as my AH communication with me, I was just happy to have a sober conversation no matter the topic! I let him take the lead most times. We didn't have any deep conversations for a while, then he started opening up more and more. I think he was concentrating on staying sober so talking about my feelings weren't at the top of the list. That was ok with me because I can only imagine how hard it is to keep working a good program and staying sober while the disease is telling him it would be easier just to drink.
One thing we did and still do is to write letters to each other. I would write him and tell him all my feelings and thoughts. I didn't expect a letter in return, it just helped me knowing he knew how I felt. Eventually, I got a letter back. Now I know that getting a letter isn't the same as a face to face sit down, but for my hub and I it is a great way for us to communicate things that are harder to talk about. Now sometimes when we write letters we sit down at a later time and discuss what we wrote.
Hub has been sober since mid Febuary and doing great. That is more important to me than anything else to do with him. I have been with Al Anon for almost a year now and can't believe the changes that have happened within myself. By each of us working our own individual programs, we have learned how to communicate in a way where we say what we mean, mean what we say, and we never say it mean.
Didn't mean to go on so long! My thoughts are with you.
Cried, I'm sorry you feel so lonely. Your AH is only sober 45 days. He is in the infancy of his recovery. Try not to expect too much so early.
Also it may be helpful to remember that this program is about us, not them. I found it helpful to work on emotional intimacy with myself. We cannot be dependant on someone else for our happiness. That includes our emotional stability. The question really should not be "when will he ever open up?", but "why do I so desperatly need him too?". We all want to have an open and honest relationship, but that means allowing our loved ones to take their time and work their program at their own pace.
It took my AH almost a year to get to a place where he could share with me, and it is still very hard for him.
I did a lot of reading and meditating, went to my regular f2f meeting and called my al-anon family when I needed to talk. I am learning to be self reliant in my emotional health. This also takes the presure off of my AH, and makes it easier for that kind of sharing to be easy and spontaneous like it really should be.
Hang in there, hon. Yes, It does get better, much better, but it takes time. Give yourself the time you need.
Yours in recovery,
Jen
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi there CriedOut2. It's fantastic your husband has 45 days sober, and yet it is still very early on in his recovery. Likely, staying sober is about all he can do for now, and for a while longer. He's learning to cope with daily life without the antianxiety effect of alcohol. It takes all their energy. It's not as rewarding for the loved ones, who really hope now that alcohol is gone from the picture, they'll get their loved one back. It takes time, and even though this part can be just as hard or harder on the family, the alcoholic must go through this to get to the other side.
So just at this very sensitive time, a bunch of people from Alanon are going to say, "Are you going to meetings for yourself yet?" and "Now's the time where you need to continue to take care of yourself" and "Focus on your own recovery". After spending all that time agonizing while he was drinking, it's hard to start focussing on yourself. There's probably a lot of "you" that went by the wayside during the alcoholism, and we give up our friends or forget how to even make them.
That's why coming here and especially going to the meetings to meet others in your situation will end your isolation. My alcoholic is still wacked out and using, crazy to boot, and it's been a while since I realized he was NOT AVAILABLE for any of my needs. Since I am literally isolated by geography, this board has been a godsend to me. I have gone to several meetings since I joined this board, and I've found MUCH support, camraderie, and good folks right here.
One more thing, after a few months of sobriety, my AH and I started reading together every day. We read our ODAT every morning, and other recovery material in the evening. Sometimes it goes better than others, and it works good for some and not for others, but helps to keep us connected.
Keep coming back! This board is truly sent by our HP (whomever that is).
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Most of us think that if they quit drinking everything will be fine , well as your finding out it isn't , Your hsub is only 45 days sober he is Stark Raving Sober and it is a pretty rough time for all involved , Try not to expect too much just enjoy the sobriety , he will never truly undersand how u feel anymore that u will understand his drinking . I assume u aren't attending al -anon meetings for yourself and if he is trying to do this on his own with out support he is suffering alot himself . Please find meetings for yourself , we all have to change not just the alcoholic . Uwill find support in f2 f meetings and meet people who have been where your at and will share thier experiences with you . Lower your expectations and focus on your needs . You will be just fine . and yes they do change 19 yrs sobriety in our home but we could not have done it with out the help of AA and Al-Anon and the people in it. Sobriety is not the answer to all of your problems but it sure does make life easier . good luck Louise Don't miss the good days .
I sure relate. In my experience, I could only change me. my ah is very quiet. I ended up learning to be glad he was with me. no matter what state he was in, he held my hand and we sat in our double recliner together.
Is your ah just not drinking? Sobriety is great, however, not much else happens unless they go to AA and get help as to how to live a better life. How to live with out using.
I remember the horrible frustration. Just ate up my gut. however, it was so freeing to let go and let hp, to appreciate what we did have. I would give about anything to have that time back when he would just sit quietly, eat a good meal, thank me, and give me a kiss.
Thanks one and all for all your enlightenments. My AH goes to nightly meetings, I have gone to 3 meetings (2 Alanon and 1 Open meeting with him), read several recovery books, talked with our Pastor, and after reading your answers will make a bigger effort to attend more meetings. The 2 Alanon meetings (two different places) all the women talked about was their divorces and how they are all dating. These 2 groups were not for me. It really made me feel despondent. I did enjoy the open meeting at AA - those people (AA and Alanon) seem to have hope. The hard part about getting to go to the meetings is finding a sitter for our 2 special needs daughters. One of them is so oppositional/defiant and has no problem manipulating the sitters that they don't want to babysit again. She is in therapy and we will begin working with a specialist therapist next week.
I will remember your enlightenments. It gives me great hope. In my job I am the one who always has to fix problems, give multiple solutions, etc., so, it is hard to sit back and let my AH work on his. I think the tough part is how he would communicate about all things including us when we had to meet with his counselor but now he doesn't do this anymore since the counselor said my AH communicates quite well even though he further stated my AH needs to listen for emotions and not just look at things as "issues."
I really like the letter idea and even asked him what intimacy was - tried it once but my AH wouldn't talk for several days. I believe you are all right I need to let him work on his program and I need to work on mine and hope later our roads will meet.
Something I heard today about communicating with men in general. Apparantly asking them what they think as opposed to what they feel will get most womyn a greater response.
Dunno, but worth a try I guess.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
