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Well, I am very suprised at my husbands behavior this past weekend. My husband and I have been seperated on and off for the last two years. Most recently he left in May and said that he just couldnt do it anymore. He is an alcoholic who was arrested last September for his first DUI. Now he is on final notice at work and although the court has ordered him to attend AA and another dependency meeting he is still drinking. Anyway, this past weekend he called me Saturday and when I didnt answer called about 20x's sent text messages telling me to answer the phone etc, then said fine.. I will find someone else to take to lunch. I really needed to talk with you but WHATEVER.. I called him at 3 and had to leave him a message. He called me back at about 5 and was clearly upset. He ask me what I was doing that night and I told him that I was going to dinner etc. with some gals from the office. He said FINE have fun, never mind.. Then promptly hung up. Well, I went about my plans not allowing him to change them. Then about 10:30 he started calling - I didnt answer, then texting me asking me where I was and who I was with. THEN, began calling me names like B** and he is SO done with me and I am out whoreing around, left messages of the same substance, I didnt call him and although I did text him and said I wasnt doing anything wrong and even told him where I was. That wasnt enough, the name calling continued.. He telling me I was a bad mother for going to bars and leaving my teenagers alone, his last message to me said.. ." Too bad you blew me off today, you blew our last chance to fix our marriage " I didnt respond.. Yesterday the house at 7am and told me that he sent me a text message. Then started calling me names, I said I wont allow you to call me names then I hung up. Yesterday afternoon, he resent the same text message. Today, I havent heard from him. I did text him and told him I was going to celebrate recovery at 7 and ask if he would like to go. He didnt respond. I didnt call or text again.
Does anyone have any idea what is happening here ? He loves me one minute and calls me names the next. He is so messed up, so confused !! Each day I pray for strength to go another day without him. I love him very much or at least I did at one point. What happened to my husband ? Where has he gone..
I would appreciate any ESH, and prayers from my MIP family
Well, who knows what is happening with him. Seems like the same 'ol alcholic games though: a) manipulation b) threats c) diverting attention from himself by attacking you
But YOU are handling the situation beautifully by setting boundaries--i.e. letting him know you will not be called names and getting off the phone. Beautifully well done!
I know it's painful, but you are handling yourself well and that's what counts. My prayers are with you and your family.
One of the most repeated phrases here at Al Anon is,"We cannot reationalize insanity."
He is sick, when we respond, we feed the fire. We are giving the disease power over us.
We are put in a position by it to say, I am not doing anything wrong, it is ok to leave a teen at home, etc. Just what the disease wants us to do, to second guess ourselves, confuse us.
It is all irrational bs. What makes a person respond??? What is with this text message stuff? As soon as I knew who it was, the disease, I would delete it.
All I see is a disease controlled you thru a day and eve to the next morn and one....
Hate the disease. It even gets us when we have to send our loved one away.
Get off the roller coaster, it is not going anywhere.
what a phenomenal job you are doing in getting on with your own life. I can understand your grief and anger. I would recommend Getting them Sober. Even reading the excerpts on the web helps.
I went thru the same thing with my now ex. I mean almost word for word. He said and did the same things to me. I honestly don't know if it was the alcohoic side, the bi polar side or the raised in a dysfunctional family side of him that made him do and say those things. I think, towards the end, it was his way of letting me go. He has to hate me to be ok with the things he has done to me and the kids. But whatever, as Debilyn said we can't rationalize insanity. You did a great job of not engaging. How awsome that you continued on with your plans for the evening and did not let him control you. I understand still feeling love for him despite how he is acting at the moment. Just keep on keeping on and your life will get better. Mine has (despite my recent posts to the contrary!)
Yep, same old same old.... he doesn't need to have a reason - he is unhappy, doesn't want to blame himself, so blalmes you. If you weren't around, he'd find someone else to blame.
Your post reminds me of something that my husband used to say, when things were at their worst with us, and I was seriously threatening to leave. He was staying out all night, drinking to blackout three or four times a week, screaming at me for hours evry night, threatening my life, shaking me, choking me, hurling verbal abuse ..... yet when I told him I couldn't take it anymore, he said "Fine, but if you leave, remember it was YOU who gave up on our marriage, *I* am willing to stay and work it out" - in other words, the only thing he could find to say was complete nonsense, but that didn't stop him...
When an alcoholic is drinking, I never question what they are doing. I don't waste my time. It's like banging my head against the wall. Who wants to do that? Concentrate on you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
what a terrible thing to go thru - I hate so much that you had to experience this - it can hurt so much to have those that we love lash out at us.
I agree with what others have said it is the disease in him talking - his pain, his guilt, his misery.
But you don't have to take it on, listen to it or be a part of it. Yes, I can understand still loving that person, but you can love YOU more.
Going to meetings, reaching out for prayers & support are great things to do for yourself - to show yourself the love, respect and kindness that you need and deserve.
Please try to keep taking care of you & constantly remind yourself - that his issues are about him - not about you. Truly, it's not about you. ((Tammy))
Praying your HP will restore your inner Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can relate to all the replies. For me I just had to come to the conclusion that it just didn't matter what he said, I would never be able to figure it out. I would never be able to please him or do it the right way in his eyes. So I had to start doing it my way...what was best for me. It has mattered less and less what he thinks -- It was just useless to place any value on what he thought in his alcoholic mind.
It sound so cold, but when they get "out there" it's more about self preservation -- I personally can't go there with my A -- I have to take a huge step back.
