The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Growing up with an AH father I think somewhere along the way I shut down. At 18 I got in a relationship with a BF that was physically and emotionally abusive I stayed in it for three years. I think I stayed because "I knew what to expect" and "what was expected of me" it was easy and I understood it. I just broke up a relationship with a new man. Why, because I loved him and he loved me. I told a lie that would make him leave me. After some deep soul searching I believe I did it because he respected me, he treated me well, he loved me and I couldn't handle that. I didn't know how to handle that. Does anyone else here have issues with taking love. I don't have problems giving love, I just couldn't handle being loved back.
Yes, I have had these problems and grew up with an alcoholic mother and father, my mother is now dead and father remarried an alcoholic. I am uncomfortable with setting boundaries and have benefited a lot from this site as it has taught me what other people's experiences are. I feel that when you grow up in an alcoholic home, you are confused by what is normal and feel uncomfortable. I pushed people away for a number of years unless I recognised that they probably were incapable of giving me love then I was ok. Hang in there as at least you are aware, I think thats when doors begin to open in your mind and its stops working as a hinge and stays open, best of luck.
Sure do Beth , we often sabatage a good thing , cause were sure their gonna leave anyway so we do it first . YOU could try and sit with him and share your fears about being treated the way u have been in the past , and since this is so different you don't know what to do. If u ask and he is real , he will give u time .I hope that you r attending al anon meetings for yourself beth . they will help u heal your past so that u can have a future . Louise Oh and u do deserve to be happy . * hugs*
Thank you everyone. At least I know I'm not crazy. I tried explaining to him but he is so badly hurt he doesn't believe me. I'm beginning to accept I can't fix the relationship. I can however "fix" me and look for the help I need.
I shared something my ex sister in law told me that rang true and I remember it. It goes like this: We are so used to the "excitement" of an alcoholic or abusice relationship that when we finally get a good relationship we can not handle the "calmness" of it. So we in turn destroy it or get bored with it and leave it. It's like I had just heard it for the first time and when she said that it was like a light bulb went off. So THIS is why I nver had boyfriends growing up. Because my mother had me so messed up inside I thought something was wrong with them if they treated me good. Ahhhh ha! I hope you can work things out with the ex or find a new good one. Lots of prayers to you sweetheart.
I can absolutely relate to your post. I always wondered why all these needy people found me. That is until I realized that it was actually me pushing potentially healthy people away. The best thing you can do, you said yourself...focus on you. For me, because that was something that was equally as uncomfortable as healthy relationships, I realized over time that I needed to reach out for help. Getting a sponsor, going to face to face meetings regularly and reading literature daily have helped me tremendously. You are worth it!!
i understand. when there is someone in my life that shows they love me - I cling to them: physically. I hug them every chance they get and im in their face 24/7. All this does is possibly push them away. I too have problems accepting love from someone.
