The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking about the time I was married. We dated for six months and my ex proposed. Inside I felt that is was the wrong choice, but I went ahead and got married. After we were married, my husband stopped cooking dinner and I gladly took over the responsibility. I worked full-time, cooked every night, cleaned the house, did the laundry, and changed the oil in my car. I did it all. Then I became pregnant and we had our first child. I stayed home for a little while then went back to work part-time while cleaning the house, cooking dinner every night, doing the laundry, and changing the oil in the car. Slowly I became depressed and tired. I couldn't keep up with everything. I was wearing myself out to exhaustion. My husband started complaining because dinner was not on the table at 5:30. I started playing basketball across the street with my neighbors a couple evening per week. This did not go over well with my husband. I finally left the marriage. My ex is an ACOA. What I realize now that I did not realize then was that what I was doing was living through my father's eyes. My father (the A) would always tell me I should be ashamed when I wasn't perfect, so I thought have a spotless house and everything in place was the way it was supposed to be. My ex husband thought so as well. This was total fantasy thinking. June Cleaver was not real!! It was a total lie! I have lived for over 30 years thinking there was something wrong with having a mess in the house or having a messy car. I would try and try time again to make sure everything was perfect. It didn't last long because expecting it to be is a lie! I recently locked my keys in my car and an officer stopped to help me. I mentioned that it figured my car was a mess. He said, "you're a working mother!". The shame I have carried around for not having a perfect house and car and hair and clothes is a lie!! I was living through someone else's (lies) eyes and never knew it.
Cheers to my messy condo! Cheers to my messy car! Cheers to my messy hair! And if someone doesn't like it, they can lump it! Now where in the heck did I did I put my sunglasses......
Yes I totally undertstand. I did it alone with three little one's and it was hard but it all made me stronger and I know there is nothing I can not do. I can do it all. I may whine a bit and possibly cry (that's rare) but I get it done. Even though my ahsober and I are together he's four hours away so I still do it all. No complaining though because I would prefer it all my way, that way I know it's done the way I like. I'm glad you have faith in yourself, that's where it needs to be and your child will grow up with a great roll model. Congrats on finding that. (((HUGS)))
And I was always accusing my AH of wanting me to be a Betty Crocker wife....only when I quit that job, lol, my house went to hell in a handbag....and my car, yikes I won't even go there.
I laugh now, I went from one extreme to the other. Today I have a manageable mess -- I like balance! And I especially like NOT trying to live up to someone elses expectations of me.
It is very important for me to be actively imperfect in some areas. I am a clutterbug that always felt like a second rate person because of it. I was born without the "need" to do the dishes right after dinner, or mop the floor daily, etc. I used to fight with myself which resulted in a spotless house alternating with a disaster area.
So now, I have my own "space" up in the loft. It is a pigsty. If I move, a couple of books and an empty diet pepsi can will hit the floor. I found seven forks up here last time I overhauled it.
The downstairs is clean and pleasant enough for company and just my need for clear space. But upstairs I let it all hang out. I doubt without a lot of work on my self acceptance I would have been able to accomplish this.
