The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey Everyone - long time no post! I have been reading though. Work has been extremely busy, which is good for business but crappy for poor me who has to shuffle all of the paperwork.
Anyway, just wanted to check in & give the latest on things. Things have been going really well w/my AH and his addictions. He went to court last on 5/21 for his possession charge. The judge reduced it to a misdemeanor parafinalia charge and sent him to jail for 3 more days. He has a 1 year sentence that is suspended and as long as he stays out of trouble, he will never have to serve it.
His attitude has been fabulous. He has been showering the kids and me with affection. He has been keeping busy too. When he doesn't have any construction work lined up, he does odd jobs around my house and for others in his family. The key for him is not getting bored.
My only complaint at the present is that he isn't making much money. I hardly ever see a dime come out of the construction work he does b/c it is so spiratic. When he does have money, he has to use it to put gas in his truck, buy various tools needed for work or make small payments on his truck, which is 2 months behind. So I am stuck paying all of the bills by myself. And it is tough. I am praying something gives before too much longer b/c I am almost out of credit and that is how I am paying for everything.
I try to talk to my AH about it but he really doesn't want to discuss it. So he makes promises to make money soon and get us back on top again....yet I never see him doing anything to make that happen. It is aggrevating b/c I am the only one who seems to be stressed about it. I am sure he is worried but he doesn't act like it....he has mentioned there was no point in stressing over something you can't do anything about. I can't stand that b/c there are some things you just can't ignore....like money or the lack there of!! Ya know?
I think I almost had a nervous breakdown yesterday. With all the stresses I have going on at home....trying to be "superwoman" - a good mom, good wife, good daughter, good daughter-in-law & granddaughter-in-law, good sister, good friend, good employee.....I am about to break. Yesterday, things got a bit tense at work b/c things seemed to be falling apart....that I felt like I might totally explode at the end of the work day. I was torked so tight that I couldn't even go to my martial arts class, which I needed to go to b/c I have belt testing Saturday and do not feel quite prepared for it. I managed to make it home & through the evening w/out losing it but it was a close call.
All in all, my AH was wonderful about helping me through my evening last night. It is sad for me to think about the fact that he is the one in an addiction recovery and I am the one who needs help in coping w/my problems. He says just being w/me and the kids is the support he needs and helping me as much as he can....of course...I reckon that doesn't include busting his butt to help out financially. He does work hard - construction work is back breaking - but he needs to find a steady good paying job that we can depend on.
Oh well....that is my update. I am sorry it is so long. I haven't posted in a long while and got a bit carried away. Thanks for listening. This has helped me tremendously. Y'all are all awesome!
Wow, QOD, did you read TwinMom's thread, "The Hallway"? Sounds like you're both in the same hall. I can relate to where you are. It's times like that that I have to keep reminding myself (every 5 seconds or so ;)) that I'm powerless, and no amount of worry or anxiousness is going to change my situation. Prayers to HP for you as you go through this time. :)
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
Glad your AH is doing well. I'm glad that you and the kids are able to have him there to enjoy the affection.
I understand the financial frustrations. Seems like the disease and financial issues tend to go hand in hand together. For me, in this area, it is another opportunity for me to exercise my boundary setting skills and my ability to ask for what I need in a clear, precise manner. Doesn't mean that it always happens that way, but at least I feel better for expressing the need. I am in the process of setting goals or certain deadlines - as in by this date _____, the household will need you to contribute $___ to the budget. If you are unable to do so, then these things will have to be cut from the budget (cable, extra food expenses, etc.)
This is just what I am trying right now - Not sure that it will help - But I'm giving it a try & working on what will be my Plan B.
Best wishes for you & yours a wonderful weekend, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
(((QOD))) Glad to see you posting. I can relate very well to your frustrations of AH not bringing in enough money. My AH was doing really well there for a while and he felt good about himself. He expressed that he felt like a man who was able to support his family in the way he thought it should be done. Well, that did not work out. Work slowed down to a crawl and then stopped. AH became depressed and worked some short term jobs but never felt like those jobs were good enough for him. Often I would feel frustrated because I'd be the one it seemed that obsessed over the bills and he would just coast. Something I learned was that he was worried but felt like there was nothing he could do to contribute, so he just didn't say anything. His addiction was bad at that time as well and of course he didn't care if the bills were paid as long as he had his needs met he was fine.
I have cut my cable down, changed phone services, started shopping at the cheaper stores, adjusting my electricity, little things that I'm working on to cut down those expenses. I guess too I have been detaching emotionally from the bills piling up, there really is only so much my salary will carry us and I have to prioritize what I can pay. As long as there's a roof over our heads, food on the table, the kids have a school, we have a way to get around town, we're good. Everyone will just have to wait to get their share. Nothing I can do about it. Some days its easier to detach than others. Hang in there it will get better, solutions will present themselves.
Have a wonderful weekend. Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Devils advocate here - you gave him some credit, but his recovery takes time. Will him working put him at risk for using if he has cash? Will he meet up with old playmates? Have you thought that he might be scared of failing again? Many people ,the A's and the Alanonic can be scared of success. It is a whole new world to deal with. A quote I love is from "Terms of Endearment", Flap says "who am I if I'm not the man failing Emma?" He has a lot of new feelings and life style changes to come to term with. Be happy he is not acting like a dry drunk. If it helps, make a list of things you are thankful for. We use to do the ABC of gratefulness games here and in the chat room when some one was down. A= he is AWARE of his problem B= he is not BORED and using. C = he is kinda CUTE
Sorry I am so blunt, but you know I know more than most about you. I was having a bad day and Christy told me just what i needed to hear. Just straight out ! I was missing my ex and she said "no you are missing who he use to be." Sometimes those closest to us have to be the bad guy.
Hey, no more skipping class! You need that decompression for YOU, you already know that you just got caught up in the drama of the stress. I can totaly relate to how you were feeling. I had myself a a pity party, but a friend snapped me out of it, or at least got me started, the rest is up to me.
So here is your snapping out session, the rest is up to you.
Love you girl!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
