The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realized that I don't want to do this all alone so I said I'm sorry to HP for screaming all those things at Him. This is such a rollercoaster ride for me. When I was a little kid, all the way till I was pregnant the first time, I was terrified to throw up. I'm talking unreasonable paralizing fear. I spent most of 6th grade in the nurse's office with the fear the I might throw up. No reason, I wasn't sick or anything but I was so overcome with the idea that it might happen. I almost squeezed off my best friend's hand one time. I know this is so gross but there is a point. I think throwing up (for me) is the ultimate loss of control. My life growing up was so out of control and my mom was such a control freak that I was terrified of losing control. That is why I didn't really like drinking. It made me feel slightly out of control and I never enjoyed that feeling. I never identify myself as a control freak, I have had so many other defects that stand out LOL! But that is how I feel at this moment. Just like I did when I was a kid and the thought that I might throw up occured to me I would become paralized with fear and try my hardest to connect with someone, anyone who would hold my hand or make me feel better. I recognize now that I had panic attacks as a kid and I had to concentrate really hard to get thru them. But I did get thru them (using some techniques I heard on Phil Donahue and Sally-Jesse)So, I think I will get thru this part of my life but it is scary. And so saddenning. I feel like that lost little girl again who just wants to be loved and made to feel secure. As a kid, I didn't take it personally that the adults who were supposed to make me feel that way didn't. I just learned how to cope. I am learning new ways how to cope now but this growing up and being mature stuff is really hard. I don't know what the point of this was and sorry if I grossed y'all out but making these connections I think will make a difference.
I think I understand what you mean about the throwing up thing. When I'm feeling sick/nauseas, I get that panicky feeling too. For me too, it's a loss of control, and not wanting to give into that. So much so, that I'll just stay in bed and not go into the bathroom, because of the denial. lol Well, we know what the result of THAT can be.....not to mention the fact that after it's done and over with---it wasn't THAT bad, and in fact, you feel soooo much better.
I guess I said that to say this---giving up control--while we fight it, isn't the worst thing in the world to do. And what a burden that's been lifted for us!
I'm glad you apologized to HP. What a huge and wonderful step!!
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
What I do is write letters to my HP. It's important to me to remember that God is infinite--God doesn't need to worry about my daily circumstances because God is above my daily circumstances. So if I get out of control and lose my cool with God, that's human. That's normal. That's a human feeling out of control, needing something to blame, and Bing! God's it. I also keep up with my daily 10th step. That's me keeping my relationship with God active. By deepening my relationship with God daily, I don't feel a need to wonder about "coincidences." I also don't need to look for God sources. I trust when God is active and when God is present. I also don't need to worry about the "god that controls stop lights." :)
I can't help but say that's a pretty huge realization for you! I know for myself when something clicks like that, I'm growing pretty fast in some new understanding.
Just wanted to mention that! Not gross at all, in fact, it makes perfect sense!
For a while when I was pretty small, I was afraid to cry because I didn't think I could stop. And, often I couldn't stop. It would happen in public over the stupidest things (so I thought back then), and I still to this day have shame about crying. It does feel like a loss of control, and I never thought about that before now.
Thankfully, I cry easily and frequently over sad things and manage to get out my tears in spite of myself :D .
