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This is my first post, but hoping for some good feed back...I am currently stuggling with how it is if I am trying to only take care of my side of the fence, I feel more hatred for the alcoholic in my life (spouse) I work come home in time to pick kids from bus stop, take daughter to cheerleading or dance 3 nights a week and/or my son's baseball 2 to 3 nights a week and sometimes all weekend or just 1 day of the weekend..none the less the kids are my responsibility 150% of the time, which I know as a mom that is my job but what about me and my time..I can't seem to make it to program at all (it's been at least a month and I miss my second family)after running kids all over...I don't know I'm feeling over whelmed and stressed out right now...WHY is it he can come home and do pretty much nothing and I'm doing it all...I can't seem to take care of me and I'm feeling pretty pissed off about it...
I'm wondering, is it possible for your kids to get rides to dance/cheerleading with friends? Maybe they can do some of this with a carpool. It sounds like they depend on mom ALOT, which is normal at their age--after all, mom knows everything, does everything, has everything, et cetera. But at the same time, Mom can have a life too! Additionally, you can tell your kids directly about your plans: "I have plans on this day, at this time. I can do X, Y, and Z. But my flexibility is here, here, and here." See, if they really value their activities, they can take responsibilities for them, too! They can hitch rides with their friends, maybe do some studying with them while you're at a meeting, or something like that. As for your husband, it sounds like you have enough program to know that as long as you enable him, he will always be who he always is and what he always is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can set up some boundries here that help you feel valued and loved. Maybe with the kids, maybe not, but you certainly can set some up for your own well being.
I understand the frustration you are feeling. Although, I don't work out of the home much anymore I used to have to work when AH wasn't working. It seemed like he would just sit on the couch all day while I worked, ran the kids where they needed to go, cleaned the house, and I could go on and on. I would get so frustrated and mad then a fight would occur (pre-Al Anon.)
One very valuable lesson I learned was to ask for help. I would ask different people to pick up and bring home my son from his games and whatever else I just couldn't make it to. I started asking my grandma to come over once a week to help me get caught up on the house. Which was also a nice time because AH never wanted to be around my family so he would leave when she would arrive and we would have a nice time chattting. Other times the house was just not as clean as it should have been! I asked my sisters for help, my dad for help, and anyone else that was "going in that direction" to help. lol.
Even now with AH sober he is working out of state and not living with us. I am pregnant with our 4 child so I am calling for help alot! One thing I do is to make sure there is something I can do for the people helping to return the favor. When I was working outside the home and time was stretched thin every game I did make I would take a car load of the other players with me and drop them off back at home if those parents couldn't make it. My house became the place to hang out for kids on weekend nights when the other parents needed a night out. That way it was more of a give and take, but when times are really tight there is nothing wrong with taking more than you are giving in my opinion because there are always times when we need more than we can give back.
Another thing I did was limit the kids to the things they did do outside of the home. I know it is hard to say no to our kids, but in the end they were always happy anyway. We didn't make every birthday party and my son didn't get to play more than one sport at a time, but he had fun doing the things he did get to do.
Anyway, didn't mean to go on and on here! Take care and remember to take care of you too even if it is only a wonderful hot bubble bath at night when the kids are sleeping.
hope your day/week gets better... i know when i can't make it to meetings, sometimes i just need to pick up the phone and call my sponsor or anyone else who will just listen. sometimes i just need to know that someone else knows and cares.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
That seemed true for me too . . . like I was waking up to just how little I could expect my A to help out around the new farm we dreamed up together, the alcohol and drugs consumed him the entire time he was awake.
What it came down to was I couldn't expect anything out of him. And I had to question how much I was doing myself, and if it was even realistic to do without someone else to help.
Of course I spent a long time being furious. Just furious! It became too much anger and resentment for me to bear, and so I had to accept my "new" limitations. It is not easy at all, and there is no simple solution. But we're here just for you, and hope you'll keep posting or venting here when you can't get to a meeting. You sure aren't alone in this lovely aspect of living with alcoholism.
it isn't fair. I feel your pain. I took my kids to their school music performances without my H this week. He was onthe couch all week having a big pity party. Tonight he was high on vicodin and talking stupid. too bad for him. He missed a really great band and orchestra show. I'm glad I didn't miss it and didn't waste my breath talking him into going. but it does get old. I've often thought that being a single mom would be easier, because at least you never are expecting the responsible party that should come home and help out. I've spent a lot of time in Resentmentville. I don't like it because it makes me ill. I'm trying out gratitude for now-- i'd surely rather be me than him. I don't think he is having fun-- and I know he hates himself in the morning. My nose is clean. take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Boy, we really are never alone on this board are we?! I too was/am in the same boat. One thing I was able to do is find things that he could/should do for himself that I did for him. For example, I told my AH that I am stretched too thin and could no longer do his laundry for him, he would have to take care of it himself. For months he wore dirty clothes, but I held firm. Over the course of time he realized it was "for real" and he began doing it himself. I think we often don't realize all of the "nice things" we are doing for others, it's in our nature. I am working on making both my AH and my little girl self-sufficient.
Another thing that came up during a conversation with AH...he said "I don't know what you need help with unless you tell me." So if I want help I ask, without resentment. I he complains I ask him to keep his complaints to himself, just please help.
I don't know if any of this will help, take what you can!!
Hi I understand being angry it's okay occasionally , well u can't let hubby drive the kids to thier sports if he has been drinking but maybe u can do a car pool thing with a few other moms and get a evning off . I know kids don't like to go with others I ahd the same struggle with my sons yrs ago , but u do have a right to have a night off occasionally , kids will adjust and your guilt will pass Louise
I want to thank everyone for there help....I asked the AH to help last night to know eval he did what I just assumed he'd do all this time which is said no....So I will be spending the weekend doing tournaments with my son, but I have talked with another mom who I have befriended over the season and she is gonna be helping me out next week with my son's baseball..Which eleviates some of the stress, but I do feel some quilt for not going to a game, but my son said to me it's ok mom you've come to every game which made me feel good. I am working on things for my daughter to bring down that stress so I can start getting back to meetings too...Anyways thanks again all...And CJ yes I do need to call my sponsor your ABSOLUTLY CORRECT, I will do that here in the next few days......
