The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading here for about a week or so. I have 3 A brothers, an A Dad (after I became an adult) and my husband (who's parents and two brothers are also A's). Two of my brothers are attempting recovery, thank God!
My husband is a binge drinker. He'll drink himself toxic for about 2-3 weeks and then won't drink for about 3-5 months.....except holidays. I haven't enjoyed a holiday for over 15 years--he even screws up Mother's Day for me...EVERY YEAR--oh, he pays me off beforehand with flowers and spending money for the "special event", but I can see through that. I've come to just ignore all holidays now... {sigh} In fact---I'll be ignoring my first Father's Day this year for him. I'm tired of having the kids make/buy something for him. Too much effort for someone that has no respect for me.
During his sober times, he's the best father/husband ever, and it seems that just when things start to get better between the two of us, that's when he starts to binge. Can't handle the pressure of commitment...intimacy? Who knows? I'm at the point that I honestly don't care.
Anyway---he and our teenage son went on vacation to the family cabin up north this week for some fishing. AH's parents were there also. I avoid them at all costs, because a). they drink until they're angry, and I don't want our handicapped daughter exposed to that, and b). I just wanted to be AWAY from my AH. :(
Our daughter has been beside herself making herself sick with missing them this week. Which tells me that there's no way that I could ever leave A. I'm stuck. Trapped. And very sad about that, but determined to make life as normal for her and her brother as I possibly can. My belief is that unless he's with another woman, which he isn't right now, I will stay married to him anyway. I have soooo much regret! I wish I'd have run in the opposite direction on that wedding day.
This week during one of the phone calls, AH starts to talk to me about his latest binge, and says to me, "I just want that happy, smiling wife back that I married 15 years ago." (his way of blaming ME for his drunkeness) HELLO???? It's tough to stay happy and smiling when you're watching your AH stumble through his speech and around the house like a blinkin' fool! It's tough to stay happy and smiling when you are suddenly the mother of not just 2 kids, but now 2 kids and a 47 year old blubbering, slobbering, vomiting idiot.
Well, they're coming home from their trip in a few hours, so I'm gearing up for some blame to be flinged my way, and just needed to vent a little. I also don't know what to do about the sleeping arrangements, to be honest. I don't even want him in the same room with me.
I'm probably not going to be able to do Al-Anon meetings because of my little girl, so online stuff is all I'm going to be able to do. I ordered about a dozen books last week, and am checking the mailbox constantly for them. LOL Hopefully I'll be able to better understand my role in all of this.
By the way---what's "ESH"?
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
((ICNH)) HI, welcome - my husband was also a binger. I think that's the worst because just when you begin to have hope that they have actually quit this time it happens again. I'm sorry you're going thru this! ESH is experience strength and hope. This is a great place for help. I came here nine months ago(wow has it really been that long?) when I left my husband and this board is like the family I don't have here. I can vent, share my experiences and growth and learn from others' posts. Most face to face meetings allow children to come I'm not sure what your situation is with that though. I hope you will read posts and keep coming back.
Wow, can I relate. I remember waiting, preparing...I called it going into "D mode" everyday at 3 pm. about two hours before he walked in the door. My head would be working out all the differernt ways the evening would go -- not one version that was pleasant. I would think about how he'd act, what he'd say, how I would reply .... I had come to hate him and everything about him. I went months without looking at him in the eye.
And holidays -- ugh -- I'd start getting into that mode about a month in advance, and watch out for the Fall: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas....well I was just a capital B for about three months there LOL
Okay enought of that...I'm here to tell you that no matter what he does, You can have serenity...you can actually laugh and feel good. I am proof of it. I never thought this program could change me -- but when my A said "You are like you use to be" I thought, ya know what I am. I never thought I would ever be able to get that back...I had felt like crap for so long, delt with all the Aism so much that I'd forgotten I had a life.
I am glad you are here. There is so much to learn that will help you. All I can say is that this program will give you as much as you give it. You have to work it a little at a time, but the peace comes.
I just wanted to say I love your name. and if you keep coming back, asking for help and being honest, there's no way you can lose out. By asking for help today, you've already gotten alot. I know Luna and Rita--they're sharp cookies. Please come back. It's great you're here.
Hello Clever Name, Welcome to MIP Family group. Thank you for sharing that with us. I can relate to your feelings right now and even relate to what your husband said about where's the girl I first met. Living with A'ism has really robbed me of my joy, truth is I allowed it to rob me of my joy. Each of us has a personal journey and has to make those decisions about our lives and our children's lives. Whatever you choose to do, you can choose a healthier path of living regardless of whether he gets sober or not. I am also limited to going to lots of meetings because I have two little ones and AH is not living at home right now. I read CAL, chat with my sponser through out the week, and post here as often as I can. My growth has really taken off since coming to this website and obtaining a sponser. I'm learning to live my life happy and free, regardless of what is going on around me. It is not impossible to change our attitudes and our perceptions of our life, its a conscious choice and it can make a huge difference in the quality of your life and your children's life. Keep posting to us, we are here for you.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the welcome. I'm in that mode right now just trying to figure out how to 'act', you know? I'm so mad at him right now, I could spit. I have to keep telling myself that it's not him I'm mad at, it's the disease. Then my brain tells me that it's a choice--HIS choice. UGH! I need those books right NOW! LOL
During the same phone call that I mentioned above, he said something to the effect of---"I've been sober for 7 days. I'm on the 7th day." And I made a sarcastic, "uh huh"...his response was, "just watch me, you just watch me." Ummmm, I don't even want to LOOK at him, let alone WATCH him.
When we first met, he chased me. I mean he CHASED me. I was dating someone else, and made my choice---I broke up with Fed Ex guy for this one. (No worries---Fed Ex guy had problems of his own...) So 9 months later, we get married, and as soon as the wedding day is over---the chase is over, so InsertCleverNameHere spent the last 15 years pursuing HIM. Sorry---not gonna happen anymore. I'm no hunter---obviously, since I haven't caught him YET. If I do any 'chasing', it's going to be with a light jog, down the street with my Nikes on, trying to catch some major fat burning. It's ME time.
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
LOL Clever... I'm really glad you are here. Can I relate, only I let my A chase me for 7 yrs before I gave him a yes -- get that marraige license and POOF he turned into a frog LOL (I found out I love frogs too augh!). I'm so loving your Pic....it's like that poor bird is saying WHAT?? when did this happen! LOL
When he gets in just do your best to remember that he is not doing this to you -- he doesn't want to fail, but without a program he's more than likely going to. Punishing him doesn't do him any good...but it's even worse for us. We may have a bit of relief by letting off a little steam but later it can make us feel guilty. Believe it or not, he is in his own kind of hell -- it is an insanity that we'll never really understand. But we've got our own insanity to work on...it's the one that keeps our mind bent and twisted and focused on them. We work on the business of getting ourselves straight, living our lives to the fullest. (that includes a regular dose of "me time" )
Hang in there...your books will come. Hope to catch you at an online meeting soon.
They got home about and hour, hour and a half ago. I'm trying very hard to be as nice as I can....honest!! I went out on the back porch by myself to read for a bit after they got here, and after about 20 minutes---guess who followed me? Yep. AH. As soon as my 'hunter' mode turned off--his turned on. LOL
Anyway, so while we were sitting back there, he said that after 5 days in that cabin with his A parents, he said that he has to apologize to me, because they were so angry and mean after drinking in the evenings that he feels bad that he's ever put me through that. I didn't ask any questions, I was just happy that he got a small dose of his own medicine.
Well, it was nice to get the apology, and I accepted, but I'm also not so naive to know that he won't show up drunk again one night.
Ribbits.
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
I am married to a 49 year old pot smoker (daily)- binge drinking ( about every 6-8 weeks ) for almost 17 years. Sounds very familiar. Teenage son (14) 10 y/o daughter with a few learning issues. I too suffer from buyer's remorse. what the heck was I thinking? As I mention in the post I started above this one-- I'm not going anywhere at this point due to the kids and the sporadic nature of the issue at my house. However, that being said-- it is a lot of work to shield kids from unacceptable behavior. Why is daddy sick? Why doesn't daddy come with us to ______(fill in the blank)? Why is dad in bed again? is that a great role model. I totally wrestle with this issue.
I could go on with more--- but welcome to the board. You will find that you are amongst friends and realize that the weirdness in your life is shared with others across the country!(and I love your name too!) jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
You and I have a whoooole lot in common. I have a 14 year old teenage son, a learning disabled, (and also physically) 11 year old daughter, and you and I are both choosing to stay w/ A to keep from upsetting the balance when the sane days are with us.
It's awesome to come here and find so many similar tales that I have lived, and so encouraging to read the ones that have come out the other end with thier sanity intact and laughing at life again. It gives me hope.
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If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. ~Abigail Van Buren
It's ME time.