The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm just waiting for it to slow down to get off. I'm full of emotions and crying comes very easy right now. I hate being like this, I hate feeling like this. I know, I need to get to a meeting, 12 hour days at work are really hard somedays. Maybe if I just vent, write it down, get some feedback, maybe it will...it's just easier for me to talk on line then it is in a meeting. I went to one the other day and all I could do was tear up. I did hear the things I needed to hear. It's funny how things come up when you most need them. Ok.. so here it goes.... Iv'e spent so much time and energy hiding my husbands disease, talking about it, and opening up feels really, really uncomfortable. It's easy to do online in front of a computer but a whole different story at a meeting. I heard in the last meeting I attended that this is part of the recovery process. I get it, I just really suck at it, maybe it's because I wasn't good at this kind of stuff before AH. So here's where I get into trouble all the time. I'm angry and hurt because I don't feel my AH can be there for me emotionally at any level. (without it being used against me at some time) Am I asking to much with that, is he just not capable of that? Is that where I'm not getting it, am I not suppose to need someone emotionally? OK examples.....This morning I rear ended someone on my way to work. It was stupid, I feel stupid, and nobody is going to beat me up over it more then myself. I feel like crap. The only damage to my car was the liscense plate holder, her car had some dents/scratches on the bumper. There is no major damage, but never the less I did rear end her. Ok so here's the meat of it. This lady is screaming at me, she has teenage kids with her, she is just plain nasty. I know I hit her and I felt really bad, but she made me feel like I had been warped back in time to my husbands drinking with his verbal abuse. In between all of it she is yelling at one of her kids to call the cops. It got to the point where I was hoping the cops would come, they didn't. I wanted so bad to sit in my car and talk to my husband, but I couldn't and wouldn't. I don't even want to go home tonight cause I know he won't be outright verbally abusive but I diffently won't get any emotional support...... Our daughter had a baby 4 months ago. Our daughter, the baby and the Daddy live 100 miles away. I go down to see them once a week. My daughter and I have always been close. My ride home is horrible! I don't want to miss my grandbaby grow up. I wish so much that they lived closer, and I know they will when my daughter finishes her masters. Until then I'll suck it up and continue to tell our daughter how proud I am of her.... I want someone to share my pain with, it should be my husband. Shouldn't it be? I don't know if I'm being selfish, I don't know if I'm setting expectations that are unrealistic.
We all want our A's to be the loving caring person we think they should be -- I believe that is a universal problem in alanon But what we learn is that we can get emotional support in other ways. It is hard to continually look to or hope that our A's will provide us with that emotional support and it either doesn't happen or it's not consistant. So we can either suffer or find another way.
I never realized that I looked to my AH for 99% of all my support and happiness, and boy did he let me down, today I am 99% happier because I go to those who are emotionally available and supportive of me. It takes a step in trust -- opening up to others and making ourselves vunerable to rejection -- the upside is that in the rooms of Alanon we understand.
The thing about not getting emotional support from our A's leads us to believe that they are the reason we are so miserable, "If they were more available to me, listened more, were concerned or cared....then I wouldn't be so unhappy." Well that is giving your happiness away. Your A may never give you everything you want emotionally, but that doesn't mean you have to do without what you need. You can still be happy.
I am so sorry you had to deal with an abusive lady with the Car....to be honest I thought a few years ago that could have been me....I was wound tighter than a rubber band. Just think she may have an active A at home. Either way, don't beat yourself up any more over the car -- you've taken a lashing from the lady, you don't need to give yourself one more on top of that.
As far as your new grandbaby, is getting a webcam something that might be workable? They are a lot of fun and it'll make the time between visits a lot easier.
Hang in there. Keep getting to your meetings, you don't have to share until you are ready.
Hello Pabel, keep going to those f2f meetings no one minds if u cry they understand , u need support from real people with real hugs . please don't stop . expectations are killers when living with alcoholism u can't have them period . this is a selfish disease and the only thing tht matters is thier needs. Nature of the disease. ' somewhere in our literature it states that going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread. Sad but true . Al-Anons will listen , let u cry not tell u your crazy there is always someone to talk too. good or bad your never alone again . keep looking after you Louise
I'm so very sorry you are going through this turmoil. I've been on that rollercoaster and know that the ride REALLY BLOWS!
What I can share with you is about expectations. It was a lesson in not getting myself hurt:
for a long while, I kept expecting my Awife to do the right thing. of course, the right thing would've been what I had expected her to be doing. (a bit distorted, yea?) so, she would do or say something that was off-the-wall, or shall I say, "normal" for her, and I would be disappointed to the ends of the earth. how could she... why would she... doesn't she love me???
of course, alcoholism is a disease - fatal, progressive disease - and the symptoms don't even stop after the drinking has stopped. it does take the Courage to Change. That is true for us, too. Us on the other end of things. Us who are trying to hold on to that last shred of dignity and humanity. Us trying to keep our families from falling to pieces. And now we have to change, so that we may begin to heal.
Expectations lead to disappointments. Expectation of someone else will give you disappointment and hurt feelings. With expectation comes disappointment, and then resentment. My very own expectations have led to my most hateful resentments. Resentments are toxic.
I hope this note may show you some clarity, with love and recovery, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Like mentioned by the others - "Going to an A for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread" - But guess what - YOU STILL NEED BREAD!!
Although our loved ones may not be able to give the emotional support that we would like to have, that doesn't mean that we have to live our lives without it. Reaching out for help, attending meetings (even if all you do is sit & cry), posting here at MIP, talking with trusted recovery friends, journaling and communicating with your HP can give you the emotional support you need & deserve.
I hate so much that you had an accident this morning and were treated with anger and frustation from another person. I'm really glad that it was a minor accident and no one was injured. I also wanted to let you know that just because you made a mistake, that doesn't give anyone the right to verbally abuse you. I have learned that I can take care of myself even if I am in the wrong. I can admit I made an error, apologize for my part and do my best effort to correct future events to avoid that error again. BUT, I do not have to be "belittled, yelled at, etc.". Remember you are human and that is not a character defect.
Hope that you can start your day over with a better day - Please try to be good to you today.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
((((pabell))) I liked what rita said......the part about you STILL NEED BREAD! I have heard the expression about going to the hardware store, but never heard the end of the saying. I like that a lot. Yeah, we still do need bread.....I think I'm starving sometimes, you know what I mean. Glad you are here. Keep reading and sharing. It will get better. Love in Recovery, Becky1
But what we learn is that we can get emotional support in other ways. It is hard to continually look to or hope that our A's will provide us with that emotional support and it either doesn't happen or it's not consistant. So we can either suffer or find another way. 