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Hi all- I'm an "irregular" visitor on this board. Maybe it's because my H is an irregular addict? whatever. My H is currently sick. Legitimately ill, in need of medical help? who knows. I'm a nurse and I can't make sense of his symptoms. He's not going to work, holed up in bed, reportedly throwing up. I don't know if I should pay attention to his illness or just detach and ignore. I used to try to be helpful-- then it would turn out that he was drinking and abusing sleeping pills and I would just be mad and felt taken for a fool. At this point, as long as he is breathing, I don't pay anymind to it. Like the little boy who cried wolf one too many times, I just doubt him. I know he is depressed as well-- big deal, so am I. It's depressing chosing to stay married to him! what do you all do in this situation? I have other things to keep me occupied (kids, end of school activities, work) am I heartless for just ignoring him? or should I call his therapist?? Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Your not crazy, your detaching and that's ok. I saw a therapist and sat with a group of woman and it helped me a bunch and I come here. Church is what helped the most for me. Like you said, I had to be stable for my kids. The best thing your doing is asking for help. Things will get better when you want them to. Your in my prayers. ^i^
Your post reminded me of the story of the little boy who cried, "WOLF!!" The time he was serious, no one paid attention, and he ended up being eaten by the wolf. Some of those old fairy tales were quite violent weren't they?
Detaching is what we are taught, but I am afraid I could not ignore symptoms of genuine illness. I probably would try to get him help. Being made a fool of once again is more acceptable than the possible consequences of ignoring him.
I read your post again more carefully, and see that you used the "wolf" analogy yourself. I missed that the first time. Makes good sense.
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Can he still dial a phone? Does he know the number for his doctor and/or his therapist?
My wife is very dramatic. Sometimes I know she is sick, and I will ask if she has considered going to the doctor? But no, I don't knock her down and tie her up and drag her anywhere. It doesn't mean I don't care about her.... but she is a grown woman, I don't have to care after her.
The hero/rescuer/husband in me wants to do for her what she can do for herself if it looks like she is not willing. But really that is treating her like a child. She is most certainly not a child.
In subtle ways I still fight this impulse. But she has asthema, and was very congested a while back. I asked if she wanted to go to the doctor. She said she had no money, so I offered to pay... she had other excusses.
When she let it go so far that she could barely get around she asked if I would take her to the doctor, and of course I did.
I can't tell you what you "should" do, that is not at all my point. But you asked if you are being heartless for allowing him the dignity to ask for help. I don't think so.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Jeanne, remember the "O" sign and the "Q" sign? Dark nursing humor . . . but it could work well for you. If he is turning yellow, not eating anything, and looks to be having the beginnings of one of the above, I'd think "sick" and if he refuses to go see a doc I'd call 911. Otherwise, I'd assume he's very depressed and let him alone, come of it what may.
My A runs the gamut of this and that pain or illness he caused himself during his latest binge. I did pull two thorns out of the bottom of his foot because he couldn't see them himself, but I had to work on myself to be willing to do it. That's how sick I am of it all.
In all I do what I have to do to make my A's plight one of the least things in my mind. I can't do a darn thing for him, and I'd be robbing him of what dignity he has left if I did. My A is so outrageous I have to ignore him a great deal or lose what sanity and peace I've gained for myself. Better for one to go down the tubes than both of us. And dealing with his moods and pains feels to me like going down the tubes. That's how I deal with my situation.
When my ahsober was drinking he would have every ache and pain. You would die if you saw how many bills from hospitals from EVERY town and state he was in, how much medicine he was getting from dr's and ER's, bills from rehabs. If he would withdrawl off of xanax or pain killers he would be sick to his stomach and would be throwing up. Good news is the only withdrawl you can die from is xanax and alcohol. My brother uses heroin and cocaine and he would be physically sick, he would also complain of everything. They both would have hurt teeth, arms, legs, joints, headaches....anything to get a fix. They both would call or talk to everybody because they never knew who would offer them something. My ah pegged me as a mean B**** because I quit feeling sorry for him. Now that he is sober he hasn't had any trips to any dr's or friends (that I know of) I believe if they are VERY sick they will go to the dr's, if it's withdrawls they usually will not go see anyone because it will go on record as a drug abuser. I used to call our health insurance and ask what scripts have recently been filled and that's when I found out he was abusing oxycontin and hydrocodone. I called all the dr's and made them aware of him. He couldn't get them in our town anymore. Just wanted to give ya a look into what some of them pull.
Can he still dial a phone? Does he know the number for his doctor and/or his therapist?
Those are really good questions. Al-Anon suggest that we not do for others what they could do for themselves. Not sure this applies to medical treatment, but that's how I take it.
Of course, let me also say that this area is one of my greatest defects of character. I have no, NONE, No Way, No How, compassion for my AH when he is sick.
Him being sick is a HUGE trigger for me - my old behaviors will come back with a vengenance. Like I have never attended a meeting, read a drop of literature and worked a single step.
It takes every ounce of my HP's strength for me to even be cordial. Compassionate? You can forget that.
I have done a lot of work on it. I know where it comes from, why I'm that way, what emotions are associated with it - all of those things. I believe myself to be a very compassionate person. I can even show my AH healthy compassion in other areas, but sickness - even in dealing with major illnesses - just can't do it. Too afraid of going back down that slippery slope of compassion back into an Al-Anon relapse.
So if you have concerns about your ability to judge his true physical condition - is there someone else that you trust that knows your H - maybe that person could come by your house and give you some input?
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I remember when my junkie husband used to come off dope (didn't know that's what it was at the time) and he would be so sick, throwing up, sweating so much it would soak through a futon mattress, crying that his bones hurt, looking horribly sick, screaming at me and the kids. The hard part is looking back and knowing that he did it all to himself. Of course he wouldn't go for help because a professional would probably find out what it really was and say something!!! I remember vaguely when I used to try to take care of him every time he got sick but there's only so much one person can take of caring for the same sick person who refuses to get help over and over. Usually toward the end it got to the point where I would say do you need to go to the hospital no? then i don't wanna hear about it! May sound cold but like I said only so much a person can take.
