The material presented
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It has been a bad day so far. I had a feeling that I would be hearing from ex ah and he called. Well, he figured out how to just leave a voice mail without my phone ringing(too bad he couldn't put all that technical knowledge to good use and get a job). Anyway, he was just calling to ask if he could come to the kids dance recital this weekend and since it is my place of employment he wanted to be considerate and ask me first. HA! What a joke!!! He then said I could call and leave him a voicemail as he would not pick up if he saw it was me calling. OK HP. How much can one person take exactly? So, I stupidly called and left a semi nasty message about the fact that althought the papers have been signed I have yet to recieve support from him, that he has not bothered to call, that he signed the supervisied vistitation papers and has yet to pursue seeing the kids and I am sick and tierd of him being a parent only when it's convient for him. I said his call was just another way of him shirking his responsibilies and blaming it all on me I can hear him now "Well, I called her but she said I couldn't come to the recital.....wahhh what a bitch....sniff...doesn't everyone feel sorry for me and how badly I'm being treated?" And you know they do. I come off looking like a psyco bitch because I'm NOT getting the billboards on the highway listing all of his evil sins so people only know what he tells them. I am so mad at HP. Seriously, I can't take it anymore. He gets everything. He has a new love, his family and all their dysfunctional support despite what he has done to them, he gets to make money and not give us any, he gets to walk away from all of his bills and responsibilities and live as if he is some sort of redeemed sinner and still blame me for everything that has been bad in his life. I am so sick of him getting everything and me getting stuck with all of the emotions of losing our house, moving the entire contentes of our house BY MYSELF, losing my father, losing my husband. None of these things were these my choice. NOT ONE> Who is looking out for me? who is protecting me? Why is he living with all of the good while I sit here mired in guilt, anger, hate and sadness having completly lost my faith? I am so done with turning it over and praying and expecting Hp has a plan and I will be ok. I am not ok and I haven't been in years and I have been comming and listening and using the tools and I am still getting crap. I am sick to death of being gratful for waking up when all I ever wanted was a family. I wanted a husband, a home. I had that. And what kind of HP would let this happen to my kids? I was content to live the life we were living as un-perfect as it was. I was an adovcate for my husband, I stood by him and he just dumped not just me but the kids over and over. I went back when he asked, I worked hard to keep it all going. Why would HP let me still suffer with this? I have learned my lesson, why am I still being punished? Nothing I have ever done calls for this. I have paid for my sins over and over and over. I am done! I swear I can't take it anymore. Where is MY HP? I am not asking for much. Why is it that The bad stuff happened without ANY footwork on my part but I have to do all the footwork to get a little slice of something good. This is beyond not fair and I do not believe anymore. There is no way that there is a HP who would let all of this bad stuff happen in this world. DONE>
First, I hate so much that you are experiencing this much pain, hurt, frustration and all the other emotions. From your post, it seems that you are in a really painful place - I hate that for you.
Next, I just wanted to say that I learned thru recovery that I could be mad at my HP, that I could yell at my HP, ask why, even write letters to my HP demanding answers. Of course, I didn't always get those answers, but my HP didn't leave me either. And my concept of my HP changed as I did along my path in recovery.
So, just in case no one has told you before - if the HP you have had before isn't working right now - you know that you are welcome to choose another one. And if that one needs a little altering tomorrow, that's ok too.
The last thing that I wanted to share with you is what was shared with me. Someone in my group (f2f) said that after I was thru feeling the emotions, and when I was ready to move into Acceptance of the situation that the readings in our literature on Acceptance may help me. I instantly was furious - No way was I going into Acceptance - Then they shared another thing that has helped me - Acceptance doesn't mean agreement. Just because I accept that this is the way my life is today doesn't mean that I agree with or even like it. It just means that I accept it life on life's terms and start to concentrate on what I can change in me and my attitudes.
Wishing you peace as you search for what will help you find what is best for you in your life, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Isn't it great that we have a place like this to vent? Holding that kind of frustration in can be very distructive.
I seem to have things that happen "to" me over and over again, and it seems that it doesn't stop until I decide to handle it in a different way. Is that HP giving me oportunities to learn, or the world learning that I can now handle what is going on ... so they will have to try something else if they want to get to me. ~shrug~
I have followed your posts, and you have certainly been through a lot, but you have come a long way too. Do you have a sponser or a close program friend that you can get down and dirty with some of these emotions?
I am certainly not trying point you away from posting here... your posts are a very important part of the board. Just know that some one on one helps me with the big things. At times I need someone to call BS on me. LOL
You are not alone even if you feel that way sometimes. If you feel your HP is not helping you out... feel free to borrow mine. ;)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh girl, I wish you lived by me. lol I remember being there like it was yesturday. I remember thinking the same thing "what kind of HP would do this to me and my kids" but I had to take a good look and see that kids don't need much. Food, water, and me. That's it. But I had more then that. I had a roof over my head (which was a b***h to keep out of foreclosure), I had food thanks to the state, I had water, my kids all have tv's in their rooms, video games, toys, ect.........so what was I complaining about? We have free will, it's our free will that we need to use to help our HP get us to where we need to be. It's your ah's free will that makes him not see the kids, not your HP's. Your HP gave you the blessing of these children because he knew you would love them so much and want the best for them otherwise, you would not be hurt that their dad is such a buttcheese right? You would have nothing for yourself or to teach your children if nothing happend to you and things went smoothly. I do believe it all happens for a reason. I let my ah come to a Christmas thing one time for my girls and he came with a swollen red face and he stunk!! and I was sooooooooo embarrased so I would no longer allow him to come to their functions. If he was sober I encourage him to come, now I send him pictures via the internet so he is not left out. About your "footwork" your HP needs your footwork, he needs you to use your free will. He can't give you want you need (not what YOU want) if you are fighting it. You may think you deserve something but that's not what you need. In my HP's book it says "be still". Take a breath and relax for a bit and let him show you what you need and deserve and quit fighting him. I'm glad you vented to us. Love ya girlie :)
Unfortunately ...HP can't make your A do anything. It's the "free will" thing. I guess you can blame your HP if you want to but that's always been a confusing part for me.
Supposedly there is a predestined path for each of us... AND we have free will to make different choices. HUH? Makes no sense to me. Anyway...How about a grateful list today? Are you and your children safe, know where your next meal is coming from, no war, rockets or terrorists blasting in your area, have clothes on your backs? Do you live in a country that allows free speech (obviously..lol), are you able drive, go where you want, walk outside and allow the sun on your face without a law to keep it covered because you are a woman?
Life just isn't fair sometimes but Karma always seems to come around eventually. If your A continues the way he is your children will know that YOU kept them safe, that YOU sheltered them, that YOU found a way to feed them, that YOU loved more then anyone else in the world and fought for everything you have... Hard telling what the opinion of their Father will be. Keep on your journey sweetie. Be the best person you can be with high values, morals and hope. Always hope.
*Just a side not..my 2 older girls father wouldn't pay squat even tho it was 25.00 a week (back in the day). He actually said that since I got married again the girls were current husbands problem and I would just blow the money anyway!! When my oldest daughter got married she asked her STEPdad to walk her down the aisle. He is the one that met her needs and showed her love. Biological Dad was invited to the wedding but refused because "that drunk" was walking her down the aisle. Nuff said. Oh yeah, there was about 5 yrs in between marriages that I struggled to make ends meet, but I did it!! I wouldn't give back a day of the internal strength it gave me.
Christy
Friendofyours: buttcheese? LMAO!!
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
funny, I just had this predestined path/freewill talk with my oldest the other day. It is confusing if the path is laid out then where does freewill come in? I know it's not fair but as I tell my kids many times a day - life's not fair! It is what it is which is why I think the life on life's terms comes in basically living in reality and not the past or some fantasy world. I personally have a hard time with that. It's like blaming the girl your husband cheats on you with. It's not the girl's fault! Who knows what he told her... Same with blaming HP not HP's fault - husband's fault so put the blame where it lies with him.
