The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here, so please bear with me. I'm not sure if this is even the right place for me, so maybe you guys can guide me in the right direction? Hello to everyone and Thank You for reading this.
A little bit of background before I start... This may be a little long.
I recently divorced a man that was my childhood sweetheart after 17 years together. For 17 years I watched him switch from one addiction to another. He would say he was done drinking and then start smoking weed, or say he wasn't going to smoke anymore and throw all of his energy into work only to start doing speed because he was so tired from working all the time. Finally he started to get caught up in porn and became a sex addict as well, which finally ended our marriage due to his inability to be faithful. Every one of his addictions affected his work at some point too. He was fired for buying speed at work while he was managing, written up for coming in late because he was hung-over and suspended for sexual harassment. It's not that I didn't try to be supportive or loving thru all the ups and downs... I just finally got so tired and unhealthy that I had to leave to save myself. I tried for years to get him into meetings or counseling, but he wouldn't budge.
So, now I'm living a new life and on my own for the first time ever and thing have been great up until this past week. For a little over a year I've been dating a man who is talented, kind, smart, generous, attractive, funny...you name it, it describes him. He has also been sober for years, which really made me feel secure. No alcohol for 10 years and no drugs for 5. He is a sponsor as well as a mentor to so many people that it's mind-boggling. He has also helped me start my own business and given me a career that is not only fun but also lucrative. I cant thank him enough.
Now comes the bad part. Last week we went to Las Vegas to have some fun before he went back home to visit his folks on the East Coast. While we were there he told me he had had a few drinks while I was up in the room getting dressed. Then he told me not to worry because alcohol was never his "Real Problem. He said Cocaine was his drug of choice and that he had only stopped drinking because a sponsor suggested it to him when he first got sober. My heart stopped... I didn't know what to do. I knew from years of experience with my ex-husband that getting mad or crying only made things worse, especially if he was confiding in me, so I kept quiet and told him I was okay if he was, but the entire trip my stomach was in knots. I was worried that once he got back to the East Coast he would drink more and finally seek out drugs in his old neighborhood. He moved to the West Coast years ago to start fresh and get away from the people who were supplying him with crack...and he had done a great job of keeping clean, but 2 nights ago my worst fears came true. He called and said he had gone out. He was so upset on the phone and kept saying he was sorry and that he just wanted to come home, but didn't want his family to get suspicious. Anyway, I'm getting him home today. I purchased the plane ticket last night and he's boarding the plane any minute now. He told me he left his bank card and checkbook at home so that he wouldn't have access to more money if he did something stupid like smoke crack, which tells me he was already planning on it before he left.
I'm so confused right now. He is such a talented and successful person. He makes a great living, he has 2 businesses, he sponsors and mentors more than a handful of people and he's on the road to becoming famous. Tuesday morning he has a meeting with a television network and he almost ruined everything. What do I say? What do I do? How can I help him keep everything he's worked so hard for? I know this isn't about me... I totally understand that, but what part can I play in helping him get back on track? He is MY BEST FRIEND, MY MENTOR AND MY LOVER.
Welcome to MIP!! Yes you are in the right place. My post recently on Relapse says it all. I'm sorry your honey had a relapse. The only I would say is to get strong in your program and do what you need to do for you. Maybe your A can get to his sponser or get to a meeting. One thing I realized last night in an open meeting is that those who had long periods of sobriety and said in a meeting that they felt like going back out to use were rebuffed brutally by their peers. Don't know why that is the approach, only thing I can say is that maybe your honey wasn't utilizing his network of resource when he had the urge from the start. It is a conscious decision to go back out and use and you know from experience now there is nothing you can do or say to talk them out of it if they want it that bad. Only thing now for you is to keep your head above water and maintain that business you started, you had a hand in that success too girl.
Keep posting here, there is a wonderful support system here that can give you the tools to help you stay calm and sane. If your calm and sane that is the best you can be for your and your honey.
Live Joyous, Free and One day at a time, Glad you are here, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thank You so much for the kind words Twinmom. I needed to hear them so badly. I will keep posting and visiting the site and hopefully find a meeting here in Hollywood as well. I'm trying my hardest to remain calm and sane. The knot in my stomach is starting to go away now that he's on the plane and coming home. I know that I can't be with him 24 hours a day, and I can't be his babysitter, but for the next couple of days I just want to be by his side to tell him he can do it. His dreams are finally starting to come true and I can't imagine how much self-loathing he'd have if he threw it all away now.
My ahsober had everything going for him at his job, money, great career and could even go further. He was my best friend but when things got bad with the drinking, the drinking turned to pill and from there I don't know what he did....then he got sober again but here's the kicker and he knows this. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER put myself through it again. I don't care if he won the lottery and I could live like a princess or I could travel the world. I would never mentally go back there again. I know I am better then all that misery. Once I put myself before the addictions I realized I would never go back. I hope you figure things out, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you get an answer that leads you in the right direction. Good luck to you. ^i^
Welcome Flutterby, Hon you will find your story in all of us. You are not alone.
I wish I could tell you a list of things to do for him...but alas I can't.
We in no way can understand what they are going thru, unless we are A. As far as loathing himself, he, I am sure feels more guilt than we will ever know.
Have you read, "Getting Them Sober?" I can tell by your post, that I believe it would answer many questions for you.
It was this book that made me realize I can do nothing. It would not matter. When a person has alcholism, they have to do it ALL.
However it does help them for us to take care of our wants and needs. It helps them when we detach from their disease and love and support them.
For me that means or meant I did not ask if he was going to meetings. I did not talk about his disease. If he brought something up, fine, otherwise he was my husband. His disease was his business.
When the disease raised its ugly head, holding my husband captive inside, I would say,"I know who you are." And then would leave the room and go do something I liked to do. I would instantly be lonely for my husband, but he was then controlled by the disease.
My husband is a Viet Nam war vet. He went in a country cowboy, He came out a heroin addict and any drug abuser.
later he got clean by stopping cold turkey, walked into AA and did 87 meetings in 90 days. The goal is 90 in 90. He lived AA, was like your husband, mentor, ran meetings, would not even take an aspirin.
Then had a medical relapse from a brain surgery. That was in 99. It has been hell with a few breaks of good time with him. There is no more good time, not even five minutes.
The best time was becuz of al anon. I learned to be ok with him, using or not.
I love him, hate the disease.
There is no babysitting or watching them. If they choose to use,we can do nothing. They are masters at manipulation and hiding their drugs.
My A would come with me shopping, would go to the truck to smoke. He had no license so did not drive. I happened to see a friend of mine in the store, said wait I will go get A.
NO truck in parking lot...I have never gone out before to check on him or anything, not my style.
I was shocked how sneaky they can be. Course he lied. whatever.
My a would laugh when I would say how sad it is when I read someone say they have watched him, no he is not using. He would say, does she follow him to the bathroom?
If we can make sure we are ok, and do our best to not be torn up from the aism, then the A feels better, does not feel so guilty. My A would tell me it just killed him to see me cry, killed him to know what he had done to me.
He has been the only man I love or have loved since I was 17, I am the only woman he has been in love with since he was 19.
He is like your A, different situation, but was a wonderful person, talented, on his way as far as playing music. Sadly the man he played guitar with, who was a brilliant musician, died from doing heroin and drinking, so that scenario killed so many of our talented, too down from heroin to wake up when they got sick from alcohol, then aspirated the barf and drowned.
horrible.
HE had oodles to live for.
We don't know flutter. ONE day at a time. If you focus on his disease it will drive you both crazy. If we baby them, we are enabling. He is still a man who wants to be respected and has integrity. To really learn from this, he will need to do it ALL for himself.
3 C's, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it, I did not cause it.
very true.
When you see him, If it were me, I would treat him like the man I loved the way he was before he relapsed. He knows what he did. If he wants to talk fine. If not i would never bring it up.
IF we do anything for them, we are enabling the disease. Even if they are in the gutter, we have to leave them. When we "rescue" them, we only help them to get well enough to use again. They need to get to a point they feel so bad, they wll get "themselves" help.
He has a toolchest of skills, he may be one of the fortunate one. I sure hope so!!
My heart goes out to you. It is great you came here.
There is a chat room and meetings are held in there. Wonderful option.
I know what you mean by putting yourself before the addictions, and after leaving my ex-husband I thought I had. I was so happy being in a new relationship with someone who had been sober for so many years, someone who has helped so many others become sober. This completely blind-sided me... I don't even know how to explain it.
I'm so confused, but this time I'm not taking it as personal as I did in my marriage. I know it's his problem and his life, but to see him in pain hurts.
Welcome Flutterby, Hon you will find your story in all of us. You are not alone.
I wish I could tell you a list of things to do for him...but alas I can't.
We in no way can understand what they are going thru, unless we are A. As far as loathing himself, he, I am sure feels more guilt than we will ever know.
Have you read, "Getting Them Sober?" I can tell by your post, that I believe it would answer many questions for you.
It was this book that made me realize I can do nothing. It would not matter. When a person has alcholism, they have to do it ALL.
However it does help them for us to take care of our wants and needs. It helps them when we detach from their disease and love and support them.
For me that means or meant I did not ask if he was going to meetings. I did not talk about his disease. If he brought something up, fine, otherwise he was my husband. His disease was his business.
When the disease raised its ugly head, holding my husband captive inside, I would say,"I know who you are." And then would leave the room and go do something I liked to do. I would instantly be lonely for my husband, but he was then controlled by the disease.
My husband is a Viet Nam war vet. He went in a country cowboy, He came out a heroin addict and any drug abuser.
later he got clean by stopping cold turkey, walked into AA and did 87 meetings in 90 days. The goal is 90 in 90. He lived AA, was like your husband, mentor, ran meetings, would not even take an aspirin.
Then had a medical relapse from a brain surgery. That was in 99. It has been hell with a few breaks of good time with him. There is no more good time, not even five minutes.
The best time was becuz of al anon. I learned to be ok with him, using or not.
I love him, hate the disease.
There is no babysitting or watching them. If they choose to use,we can do nothing. They are masters at manipulation and hiding their drugs.
My A would come with me shopping, would go to the truck to smoke. He had no license so did not drive. I happened to see a friend of mine in the store, said wait I will go get A.
NO truck in parking lot...I have never gone out before to check on him or anything, not my style.
I was shocked how sneaky they can be. Course he lied. whatever.
My a would laugh when I would say how sad it is when I read someone say they have watched him, no he is not using. He would say, does she follow him to the bathroom?
If we can make sure we are ok, and do our best to not be torn up from the aism, then the A feels better, does not feel so guilty. My A would tell me it just killed him to see me cry, killed him to know what he had done to me.
He has been the only man I love or have loved since I was 17, I am the only woman he has been in love with since he was 19.
He is like your A, different situation, but was a wonderful person, talented, on his way as far as playing music. Sadly the man he played guitar with, who was a brilliant musician, died from doing heroin and drinking, so that scenario killed so many of our talented, too down from heroin to wake up when they got sick from alcohol, then aspirated the barf and drowned.
horrible.
HE had oodles to live for.
We don't know flutter. ONE day at a time. If you focus on his disease it will drive you both crazy. If we baby them, we are enabling. He is still a man who wants to be respected and has integrity. To really learn from this, he will need to do it ALL for himself.
3 C's, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it, I did not cause it.
very true.
When you see him, If it were me, I would treat him like the man I loved the way he was before he relapsed. He knows what he did. If he wants to talk fine. If not i would never bring it up.
IF we do anything for them, we are enabling the disease. Even if they are in the gutter, we have to leave them. When we "rescue" them, we only help them to get well enough to use again. They need to get to a point they feel so bad, they wll get "themselves" help.
He has a toolchest of skills, he may be one of the fortunate one. I sure hope so!!
My heart goes out to you. It is great you came here.
There is a chat room and meetings are held in there. Wonderful option.
Hope you stay around and keep us updated.
love,debilyn
Wow debilyn thanks for sharing. No, I haven't read any books on the subject yet, but I'm planning on it. When I was 19 and first married to my ex-husband my then mother- in-law gave me a book called "Codependent No More". I think I'll read that one again too because at the time most of it went over my head, but now I know it will be much clearer. Part of me wishes I wouldn't have wasted so many years trying to make things work with my ex-husband, but now I see that I have learned at least a little from that experience. I don't want to make the same mistakes in this new relationship, which is why I'm seeking help for myself this time.
I have just one question... Did I already get too involved by flying my boyfriend back here. I just wanted to get him out of that environment. I didn't want him being around the old neighborhood full of his former dealers and neighborhood bars. I know that Hollywood is just as full of bars and drugs, probably even worse, but every time he goes back home to visit he falls apart somehow. Last summer we went together and he got very depressed and cut the trip short. Should I have let him stay? I was so afraid that he'd do it again and get busted or hurt himself. I'm afraid to do too much or not enough. Part of me says "Don't fall back into your old patterns of enabling" like I did with my ex-husband, and part of me is afraid to let him down. It's a huge struggle.
Of course it was not wrong. The thing is Flutter, we will do what we do, until if or when we want to do it different.
I learned over seven years, not to do anything. I would not even take him to rehab. I did and a day later he got a bus home. After me hunting for gas money, getting a speeding ticket becuz it was his moms stupid fancy car I was not used to driving... I drive an old 78 chevy pickup short bed. lol slow, strong and safe..
It was er rooms, stupid.
Just one joke after another. He would come here, kick heroin, with all the horror of that, then get to town and buy a frigging bottle.
So I learned, that was that.
I would have him come home and stay months to start with, then it got down to zero minutes as after the dang surgery he was physically abusive.
Would I have gotten him a ticket and picked him up, no. For me to do that for my A would have robbed him of the experience of how awful it feels to use. How helpless it can make us.
does that make sense? I love watermelon, my favorite food. If I eat too much I get sick. very sick, it is that fact that makes me not want to eat too much again.
Same with the A, they need to feel horrible. We want to nurture them, but we can't. Most hate the hunting for money once they lost everything, trying to figure out how to get to the liquor store, selling everything that meant something to them. My husband even hocked his guitar. He has some fancy one, very old. can't remember what it is.
He asked me to get it out. So I did, as it was to go to our son. So I gave it to our son, his enabling mom hated me for that. ????
Anyway I am blabbing. sorry. lol
You are doing great, you will do what you do until you "believe it in your heart" to do something else.
It is like knowing smoking is bad, is a fact, however people cannot quit until they "believe" it.
First of all I want to welcome you. It sounds as if you are in the right place. Alanon has but one purpose , to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the twelve steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families and friends of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic. We are a group of people from all walks of life who are brought together by a common bond..."alcoholism/addiction". Many of us including myself have come to these rooms, because we are at our wits end trying to fix/manipulate/help/beg/plead/co-erce/force/ the A (alcoholic/addict) to get help, only to fail time and time again. In alanon we learn to live whether the A is still drinking or not. We learn to take the focus and obsession off the A's in our lives and put it back to where it truly belongs onto ourselves. We learn to detach with love, and learn what is our business and what is not our business. Our well meaning attempts to control another becomes a vicious circle of emotional ups and downs, and our own self esteem and self worth plummets into a downward spiral. We learn in alanon to take care of the person we can only take care of , and it is ourselves. Because if we dont take care of ourselves , no one else can do that but ourselves. This is not an overnight success, and it takes time and patience, to overcome the effects of anothers addiction. So welcome to the road of your recovery.
Thanks for the warm welcome everyone! I'd also like to thank you for the great advice.
I picked him up from the airport late last night and we stayed up until 6 am talking about what happened. I didn't say much, just listened and held his hand. Long story short, he says he's been scared straight and that he has a new found appreciation for me, his business, his friends and the life he has here. I can only pray that this awful relapse sparked some sort of spiritual awakening in him.
Now, to work on myself... I think I'll start going to therapy again. I really want to get my life in order.
