The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling ok today. I have been feeling better. I'm having bad moments rather than bad days. I still have this feeling in my heart of pain, grief is the best way to describe it. I am still scared. But I am doing things to take care of myself. Like not filling the hole with sick people, men. Not doing things to hurt myself like calling or harassing my ex. Being present for my kids, staying focused on them and what they are saying. I have these awsome friends from my past and new ones who are surrounding me and loving me. I have always known that I am a very lucky person, very loved. I see it, I feel it, I am grateful for it.
But (come on you knew it was comming!), I still am not feeling joy, happiness. I have so many positive things going on in my life, new house, old and new friends, working this program. I am still feeling like the sadness is overwhelming and keeping me from feeling the happiness. Despite all the good I still feel like I am spiraling downward. Like I have slowed the downward spiral to a crawl but it's still there and could pick up speed at any moment. Greiving my dad, my husband, my life that I worked so hard to hold on to. I am scared that I will be like this forever. Functioning, grateful but not happy. Do y'all think that the longer we work this program, the more the grief retreats? Happiness is an inside job so how do I go about fixing my inside so that I am able to feel the happiness that I know is there buried?
Abraham Lincoln said it best: "We are all about as happy as we make up our minds to be." I really do try to live by that quote. Also have a look at the quote under my signature. I don't remember who made it, but I live by that one too. We make our own happiness no matter our circumstances.
I'll keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers. You will find the happiness you so very much deserve. Just remember when it shows up, don't throw it away with both hands.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
For me, there is no set time limit on my grief. I just keep focusing on the "Next Right Thing" and try to feel my feelings.
I remind myself Step 1 - I am powerless over this situation Step 2 - I believe my HP can restore my life to sanity (& happiness) Step 3 - I will continually give my will & my life to my HP for his direction
That is what I am doing to feel the pain, to attempt to get thru each day, and to remind myself that no matter what me & my HP are going to be ok - even better than OK.
Hope you are able to find what works for you to help you heal, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My reading for today ended with "Patience is the key to paradise." (C2C)
I can completely relate to your post. For me, it takes a long time for the steps and slogans to sink in, but know that if I "keep coming back", more and more will make sense and get clearer to me. I will have more of the ah ha moments that I have already to begun to experience. It is scary to change the chaos we are used to living in...to find the courage to really focus on ourselves. I believe it will come ((((((serendipity))))), for all of us, if we "keep coming back"!
My sponsor, who is a very wise older man, said it best to me: "live life, and allow happiness to find me", as opposed to trying to pursue happiness, per se. This is a lesson that I am still very much trying to learn. I believe in the words, but have difficulty in actually applying them to my everyday life.
We really DO control our own destinies, attitudes, etc., based upon the perspectives that we bring to things.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Slowed it to a crawl, that's good .... not spirling out of control That's you taking control of your emotions. Not letting any one emotion run your life but also allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling. I'd call that really healthy.
I know that what you are feeling isn't pleasant, it's down right painful. But you aren't stuffing your emotions or pretending that everything is "fine" (one of my personal favorites ) So at this moment Joy is illusive, happiness seems hard to find. Well I'd say that is normal -- can you believe it ?
I like what Canadianguy said, let your happiness find you. It will come.
That's you taking control of your emotions. Not letting any one emotion run your life but also allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling. I'd call that really healthy.