The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can remember when "fear" ruled my life, every thing was that gut wrenching oh no now what? And even when things were quiet and calm, I would think of scenarios in my head along with my( committee which was always present), that surely something dreadful is going to happen. Was he going to kill someone while driving home drunk, or kill himself? If he made it home would he be his usual angry self, or would he be quiet and calm? Would he come home yelling and screaming of the days events and take it out on me, or would he have had a good day? I was appalled to learn when I entered alanon that I was letting fear rule my life. I didnt realize how sick I had become with anothers alcoholism. I realized I was afraid of everything! I couldn't even say "no" to people in fear that I would hurt someone's feelings, because in fact if I wasnt that "people pleaser" no body would like me. I was afraid to say how I felt, and always said "everything is ok", or I am alright" , although I was dying inside. Even when the telephone rang, fear set in,,I imagined the worst. I can remember my friends saying why do you answer the phone in such a paniced voice? I cant remember but I used some excuse at that time. The alanon tools helped me deal with this out of control fear which raged inside my head and body, I clearly remember reciting the Serenity Prayer over and over again when the fear set in. I started using many of the alanon slogans, One day a time, gave me the courage to live for that day and that day only, and not worry about the tomorrows, or the impending future, thus taking away fear of the future. Another prime one was Just for today and how important is it? When you are engulfed with the obsession of anothers alcoholism, these simple yet powerful slogans can help you get through the day. It is not easy, nothing is but with repetition of these slogans things like "fear" will slip away , and you can start to live again each day to the fullest of how YOU choose. And if that day does not start like you wanted, a gentle reminder you can start your day over anytime you like!!!
Hey Gardengal - were you living my life before recovery and I just didn't know it???? Must have been, cause I was the exact same way.
Everytime the phone rang, someone, most of the time it was my AH, was dead, buried, and me the grieving widow was trying to make another life for myself - that was all during the few seconds between rings on the phone - Geez, I was one sick, hurting little girl.
You know those feelings still come up for me, but like you said - grateful to have the tools to work thru those fears and to recognize what is realistic fear and unrealistic. Then the sweet freedom of doing my part and turning the rest over to the God of my understanding. Sometimes I have to turn it over many, many times, but that's ok. I'm a work in progress.
Awesome post, - Thanks so much for sharing, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
YEp, I think we all have been there.... no-one was more scared than I was..I was scared of everything....Especially things that moved, And I had no control over..lol
As you might know, I have just been my first Holiday abroad, in 36 years....THAT was fear that told me (in my head).Ally if you go on a plane, It will crash, you will die..
That is how sick we are, people have been going on planes for years all round about me, and enjoying it....NOT me...
It tells me I AM growing in my recovery....."Fear" is a lifestopper, We use fear as an excuse, to stop us moving on with our lives....Once we face one fear, it gets better as we go along...
My biggest fear today, is about a relationship...I love an A (recovering). And he doesnt love me back, doesnt know how to...My fear is losing him....
When I first began turning it over it was life enhancing for me. Every day I have to do that now. I do not know how the A lives in denial. I know I don't. I know my limits now. I had none before. Fear absoutely paralyzed me.
We talked about fear a couple of weeks ago in my Sun.school class. I have been thinking a lot about it lately. I do feel I am growing in this program and learning, but I realized just a couple of weeks ago (or finally admitted) that for the past 13 years heck probably my whole life all of my decisions have been made out of fear. That is a terrible, horrible way to live !!!! I want so badly, to not make anymore decisions based on fear! I am trying to do my best to not let fear rule my life!
Good heavens gardengal, I could have written this post myself! I used to feel that "fear" constantly. Not for my physical safety, but for my sanity. I learned that I was doing nothing except inviting danger to my own health, both mental and physical. I could not live that way any longer. I listened to others, studied, applied the techniques, and it came to me suddenly: This isn't gettin' it!!
I am a strong gal by nature, and I have conquered that fear. I worry so about others who haven't the strength to deal with it. I guess that's why I am here pushing them along! LOL!!
Thanks for this very important post gardengal. SO many can learn from it as so many already have.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
