The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am really not sure where to turn right now and I am struggling with this.
My question is "is it ever okay to nudge the A along in their recovery?".
I know this is "his" journey and I have tried to detach myself from "his" disease as best I can. I remove myself from situations that are unacceptable to me and I always have a plan "b" in place so that I can maintain a level of sanity while living with active alcoholism.
I have attended Alanon meetings on and off for 25 years (although none recently...yes, I know...get my butt back there....)..
So here it is....waiting for my "A" husband of 20 years to ask for help doesn't seem to be happening. He refuses to discuss this situation, although admits he has a problem. He has even visited a local re-hap facility on his own (yet somehow decided it wasn't for him ~sigh~ ).
How wrong would it be for me to set up an appointment with his dr. to discuss alcoholism treatments and options? I would merely set up the appointment and step back...it would be up to him to keep it...(we share the same doctor although I wouldn't go to the appt with him)...
I believe he wants help and would keep the appt if he had one. (and yes, I know...go back to meetings...)
In my opinion, you can always "gently nudge", and the idea of booking him into a counselling session is not a bad thing, in and of itself. Where we generally go badly, is when we tie OUR expectations to these things, and are upset/disappointed/discouraged if our A's don't readily agree to OUR timelines for them getting themselves better. If you are doing it with a clear heart, of a willingness to "nudge" him without the ties of expectations, guilt, etc., then I say.... fill your boots!!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think you would need to really look hard at what your motives are for the nudge, and what you are hoping to accomplish.
If you have never spoken to him about his drinking, and he has no idea that you are concerned, then I think it is reasonable to tell him how you feel, and that he may find help by talking to his doctor. If however, he knows perfectly well how you feel about it, then this is not a gentle nudge at all, it's nagging.
AA is not a secret. Rehab is not a secret. Unless he has been living in a cave, he knows that there is help out there for him. Making an appointment for a grown man who knows how to use the telephone is trying to control him.
Believe me, I know why you want to control him. Watching him flail around, hurting himself and everyone who loves him, is not easy or pleasant. That is why you need to stop watching him, and start watching yourself. If you work on keeping your own side of the street clean, and on setting your boundaries so that you do not accept unacceptable behaviour, you will be plenty busy, and can leave his recovery, or lack of it, up to him.
until he says that its over , it's not . How many times have u suggested he stop or get help over the yrs , he is obviously not ready . If he were he would crawl over broken glass to get the help he needs , he knows where to find AA . Allow him the dignity to do it his way . It was suggested to me that instead of watching for his bottom . start looking for my top. The more we try to open someones eyes -- the more they close thier ears. Get back to meetings for yourself , on an off for 25 yrs isn't working , try ON this time . this prog does not work part time . Make a commitment to get well you never know what can happen when your busy fixing yourself .
I am not too sure what to tell you. You know him and your situation best. In my experience with my A, when he started admitting he had a problem and I suggested him going to AA or a counselor he just sort of looked at me, but didn't say much. I just left it at that, I did not want to push the idea and in turn push him away from it. A few months later he asked me to go with him to an AA meeting and I did. He continued AA for several months, both alone and on occassion with me, and then he was back out again. I let things run their course, I knew he had gotten enough information from AA to return to his recovery when he was truly ready. So in our case a little nudge was ok, but like you already know he had to do the work himself I could only support him and would only support him. This is one of those things where they have to do the work themselves. My A has now been in recovery for alittle over a year and doing well.
I'm with the naysayers. I remember taking my husband to our family dr. to get a prescription for antabuse right after i moved out. Of course it never got filled or taken. I leave him alone either he'll get it or he won't or I'll get to the point where i dont care whether he does or not anymore. We don't live together, it's not my problem and the best i can say is i hope you choose life.
If you already know the problem (you're not working your recovery), why ask for a solution that you know isn't in the best intrest (controlling a disease)?
In my experience, "nudging", "prodding", "willing", "pushing" all are very much the same form of control. Step 1 tells me, I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable. It tells me, I am powerless over my wife and I can't control anything she does. I am powerless over people, alcohol, addiction, hurricanes, or where my wife's Higher Power will take her next.
What I can do is set boundaries. I can be honest. I can communicate my needs. I can do that without being mean, arrogant, or belittling. And, I can work my program, because it works when I work it.
With love, CJ
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
thank you all for your input. I truly appreciate it.
To date I have done nothing other than ask him to get help (okay...probably more like begged him)...but I have been reluctant to get more involved other than suggest that I would willingly go with him to an open AA meeting if he'd like.
I felt in my heart the way most of you do...he will get help when he wants to be helped. I currently don't plan to make the "call"...but do appreciate knowing that it isn't always just a plain old "NO"....
I think if I am true enough to myself (and get back to meetings) my HP will give me the guidance I need when i need it.
