The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In reading some other posts...this phrase hit me and I decided to write it out to see how far I've come. "Being lonely vs. Being alone"
After being married to an alcoholic for 17 years, I understand how you can 'be with' someone and yet still feel lonely. It took me a long time to grasp that concept and truly get that it doesn't matter if someone is with me or not...if I'm not getting my needs met...I will be lonely.
Today - 3 plus years after pain-stakingly deciding to removing myself from the alcoholic drama, I can honestly say that I know and can deeply FEEL the difference. I'm alone, but no longer lonely! I can meet my own needs...imagine that! I spent way too many years waiting for someone or something else to make me happy so my 'life could start'...lol. I still long for a companion, but I don't need one. I can wait...and be picky...and be sure of my choices..., because I'm comfortable with ME (finally) and happy enough to be secure in my feelings of knowing what I want and what I deserve as a human being.
I deserve to be valued
I deserve to be respected
I deserve to be a priority
I deserve to be loved
And above all else...I deserve to be me...without worrying if I need to be pleasing someone else first!
Yay. I've come a long way. The hard part was getting here, but the best part is yet to come!
Thanks everyone for sharing in my reflective journey...it's been one heck of a ride so far - and I can't wait to see what's waiting for me next....:)
I know exactly what you mean and yes, the two are vastly different. Lonely has a host of negatives thrown in to make up that word. For me it was made up of miserable, unhappy, jealousy, bored etc. Alone doesn't have to be negative at all. I find I enjoy it :)
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I struggle with this very issue, that you appear to be doing so well on.... Many times, I can over-think or over-analyze situations to death, rather than simply allowing nature to take it's course. My sponsor used to remind me of a couple of things.....
"Live life and breathe" "Rather than looking for happiness, live your life, and let happiness find you"
Thanks for posting this, and congratulations on your journey thus far!!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you for that post. I have said for years that I thought I must be the Loneliest Married Woman in the World and that I would much rather be alone and lonely than married and lonely. Imagine that. And actually I find that I am less lonely when my AH is off on a bender. I get on with my life then vs. waiting around for him to make me happy.
I too lead a lonely life. Some family members know about my A but most do not. I don't live around family so I rely on my girlfriends to go out to dinner or a movie. I don't think it will ever get any better so I have to live for myself and move on. It hurts that I am alone and still have lots of friends and coworkers. If I could pick I would rather be alone than have termoil with my A. Right now we are together and right now he is remorsfull but the other shoe has not fallen yet. It will, maybe not this week but maybe next. I asked God to help me thru this day. My A called me today and always pleads that he wants to quit but I see no results. I am starting to detach from the situation and live my own life. How sad for him as he is missing out on the best women he will ever have. Thanks for listening.
The reason I always make that statement is because as Christy has said they have 2 very different connotations. I was going through a relationship (non A) and thinking about calling it off. A friend asked me "Are you lonlier with him than without him?" I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. Then many months later after I ended the relationship she made the statement about being alone and being lonely. Heh, heh, I still didn't get it.
But eventually things became much clearer. I have always been a relatively solitary creature. I enjoy the stillness and the calm that comes with being alone. It's serene in many ways. Mind you I have the best and sweetest man on the face of the earth (okay I'm a tad biased) and I love being with him. But we are both independent people and enjoy our solitude. An author once said "There is no harder lesson than lonliness." I learned that lesson early on. But I have also learned how to cope with it. I also know that it's okay to feel that way too. It's part of being human.
I think your post has given great examples of how far you've come. You set an awsome example of what happens when we reach and grow. Nicely done.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I took such solace from your post. I am a few weeks out from separating from the A. I am in acute withdrawal, angry, lonely, sad and frustrated.
I am also aware this is the one step to a new life. I do deserve more. I do deserve to be more than a "victim"to his moods, his drug use, his friends, his chaos.
At the same time for me I have had to look at for me my own part in the chaos and craziness. I can still play that. I can be out of my mind with worry of "what next" and I lived ate and slept that for 7 years. I can also be jealous of his drug taking, drug dealing crazy friends who consume his every moment. I find it very very hard to let go. There is still some denial in me that there is nothing there to let go of. There is only my fantasy that he can somehow shake his problems.
I can also be rageful, angry, frustrated and over the edge. HALT is a hard thing for me to adhere to.
I would so much rather obsess about the A than take care of me. That is still an issue for me.
