The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At least now I know that I always have a place to go when I don't know what to do or say. Go directly to Alanon. I saw my AHsober today. I hadn't seen him in almost 2 months although we have talked on the phone about once a week. He said now we really need to talk about finances because we had to pay taxes. Since he makes more than me, he will start paying the majority of the bills. So now after 2 years this comes to him. And now we need to talk about our son's graduation (May 10) he says. Well, I already made motel reservations in January. I planned the party with my son in March. My AHsober says how come you don't tell me these things. And I said how can I tell you anything when you don't call and when you do call you limit it to 5 minutes. So now he realizes that he has already made plane reservations to golf in Florida on the same day as the party. Well, he assumed graduation was a different day.
I asked my HP for guidance in what to say and do before I saw him. I think that I was fairly calm. I just tried to be truthful about what I had been doing and my feelings. He just said that damndest things. I confronted him on some of the things that he said. The disease in action. But it became clear to me that focus on myself meant to tell him how I feel and what I was going to do about my life. I think that he is just basically clueless and wants to remain clueless about the impact this separation has had on me and our sons.
I love that man that use to be but I am seeing that this has nothing to do with love. For me I need to keep doing my 4th step and see what I am all about. I am willing to be the one that changes.
I was reminded in our morning meeting about "Progress not perfection" and I took a big breath and slowed right down. You'll find out what you are all about in time, if you give that to yourself. I have been around the program for 28 years and come to understand that in progress I give myself the opportunity and understanding of not having to do this overnight and that I didn't get this way overnight. I was elated after the meeting this morning cause even though I probably had a lot more "time" than the others in the room? I also had a lot more to learn. Relax and stick around.
You AH seems to have a bit of what I also suffer from, small capacity brain space and forgetitis. My wife (and I believe most women) is soooo much better an organizer than I am. She also has learned more about compassion over the 18 years we have been hanging out together. It takes compassion on her part to give me grace rather than a good going over when I come up short. Of course that also goes both ways doesn't it. She isn't perfect either...and I don't try to remind her all the time. I works if I work it.
It is so sad to come to the realization that the A's in our lives just don't "get it". I had to be in horrible pain in order to stop and focus on me. Be strong and take good care of yourself, you are worth it!!! I hear so much courage in your post. Trust in you and your higher power. Love in recovery, Leetle
All you can do is hope that he heard some of what you said and he thinks about it. I feel for you, I really do. If he's much of a man he will find a way to change his golfing plans and be there for his son. What bothers me most about alcoholism is how people can do mental harm to their children and really not understand the impact that it has. Good luck and I hope your son has a wonderful day.
