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Hi all, I havent posted here in months. When I first joined al anon I had an a in my life, I am an a too. He is no longer in my life and thats a good thing. We recently shared our amends and I hoped we good just go on about our lives and maybe be friends Well, here come the expectations right? I see him all the time at AA meetings, tonight, I approached him after the meeting when he was talking to a couple of guys and his body language and lack of facial expressions indicated ---what do u want? Not, hey whats up, how are ya? I asked him if when he came to put in my new windows (part of his amends to me) could he help me pull up the carpet in my sons room? He said yeah. Thats it. Immediately I regretted asking. I hate him right now. My motive is friendship, to be able to be in the same room with him and be comfortable. I dont want a relationship with him again. So tired of his immature behavior toward me. One minute hes friendly, next minute he acts as if I have the plague. Am I being unrealistic to expect friendship?
Being able to be in the same room with him is a far cry from having him put new windows in your house and asking him to tear out carpeting in your son's room. Perhaps he feels you are asking too much of this "friendship." I tend to agree.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It sounds like you overstepped a bit, but you already know that. Don't be hard on yourself, let it INFORM you about yourself. It's hard being a woman on your own, there are too many heavy things to lift and move, mechanical or electrical stuff, and it makes sense to rely on the guy in our life to help us. Examine your motives being honest as you can.
I am a woman running a little farm basically on my own, while my AH comes and goes, and I frankly NEED him, but can't rely on him for much of anything. It's a different situation than you have, but I relate. Perhaps you two are just 'too soon' along in your own processes to put pressure on the relationship. Who knows what's up in his head regarding you, so you can only be there for yourself.
Shoot, someone might be willing to come rip out the carpet and take it home for themselves for free. Ask around, and go real easy on yourself.
Hello beach , Am I expecting too much asking for friendship ? Obviously from his point of view at the moment . You made your amends your part is done be polite wether u get it back or not . At least one of u will feel better . Louise
Friendship after a more intimate relationship might be hard. Things like this take time. One thing you have to ask yourself, how will you feel if he ends up seeing someone else? If you need help around the house, there are plenty of other people to help you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
To further explain myself, I never asked him to put in my windows. He wrote an amends letter to me and he offered this as his amends to me. He invited me to his aa bday dinner a few weeks ago I went. He wanted to make amends to me and I did. So there.
I can get someone else to rip out the carpet. And I suppose I can say no to his amends of installing the windows but that is not working a good program so I will not do that. I have boundaries and can enforce these when he comes to put them in. At least today, I understand enough about me to know that I deserve to be treated with respect, his behavior towards me is unacceptable.
But I do plan to just go my own way and let things be-
