The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is that now I am contemplating life on my own I feel tremendous fear. I lived quite ok on my own for years before I met the A. I now think I am not capable of it.
I have been trying to fashion another fail safe plan. I do not want to be stuck living with the A. He is moving to some remote area. Everything in his life is a mess, his bills, his life, his friends, his car(s), his things. He has not packed one thing although he is moving shortly. Anytime I spend around him is full of his complaints and blame on me. Who would need such a life?
The compromises I have to make in order to move are enormous. There are some days I can scarely stand them. Right now my main priority is money. When I can get a stable income my strategies and outlook will be different.
Ironically after months and months of sitting contemplating his navel and doing nothing the A is working. I am not. That does give me some time to use the comptuer (which needless to say is still at "his" house. I have largely moved most of my stuff out. The pets are a a huge issue for me. The only way I can contemplate it without going into grief is for him to have them temporarily. I cannot imagine for one second not being able to see them.
So the road ahead for me seems impossibly hard. I feel more lost without him than with him. At the same time I know he's headed to nothing and I cannot live with him long term. I also know that I have to make the compromises I can to survive as best I can. Clearly I have not been doing that around him.
I'm going to work with a sponsor I have on the emotional plan b stuff. I think that will help. In the meantime please keep me in your prayers for interviews I am having in the next few days. I need to get my income steady and regular.
i wish you had things a bit easier. when things get like that for me, i usually have to "turn it over" then "turn it over" some more. i have to trust in my HP to put in my life what i need. one of my miracles was turning to an attitude of gratitude--in the most difficult of times--and then things seemed to be more clear and easier to be dealt with.
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I understand your feeling like you do. It is scary. Hang in there and stay strong. You are doing amazing well I think, and you are so strong even if you don't feel it. I think you are amazing.
Keep thinking of you and doing what is right for you to live in serenity.
Melody Beattie writes about a young woman who called in one day, a nurse. She was detailing how she had finally made the decision to leave her abusive alcholic husband. She was frightened however how it was that she could take care of herself. Melody beattie goes on to describe how she described to the woman that caretakers inherently falter as self care individuals; we place ourselves as low priority people. I think for me it is prudent that I realize that my ability to manage crises in my alcholic home has spilled over in my my over all life. The reality of the situation is that, quite frankly, I'm very very good at living in crisis. living as if life is falling down around me. My problem is that I'm not certain how to handle things when life ISN"T falling down around me. There are no panicked phone calls. There are no hateful voice mails. There are no end of world fights. It might help you to know that because you have found ways to stand on your own two feet no matter what HE does, you'll still be able to do that as you learn to stand on your own. You'll also find--at least, I did--that as time goes on, that
What helped me and still does, is sticking to one day. ONE, get up do what you can and that is it. do not think too far ahead on things you cannot control and things that may not happen.
I have faith that things will always be ok no matter what. I know the anxiety you must feel.
do you speak more than one language? seems like ya do. that is a big plus. have you posted on craigslist?
It will get better, I promise. it really does. love,debilyn
((()) Maresie little steps, you are doing great. We all have a fear of change. You also need to remember that over the years your A has absolutely shot your self esteem to pieces. This will take a while to come back but the vibrant girl who is inside will emerge again. Try and not get too overwhelmed by trying to fix everything at once. Your pets I know are a big issue and being an animal lover I know how gut wrenching it would be. Maybe you could post a help item on here for loving homes for your babies - there may be somone in your area close by who can take them and you don't even know it. Thinking of you with love. Leo xxx
Fear of the unknown, of the uncertainty is a really scarey place to be. It helps me to remember, that no matter what me & my God are going to be OK, even better than OK.
AND that my HP is not limited by my situation. That Power Greater than ME, has an unlimited amount of resources, and I can not see the wonderful blessings that are in store for me.
Prayers for you that your HP will give you that inner peace that you & your HP will be OK, even better than OK.
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
