The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you may know, my husband got out of detox on Thurs. He's been to at least one meeting a day since he left (Fri. he went to two). Last night he suggested that we attend this couples meeting. I didn't know what to expect because this is all so new for me. Basically, it is a meeting of mostly AA members and Alanon members who are married or dating and it is kind of a support group where they talk about couple issues and relay tips on how to save your relationship after the effects of this disease.
At first, I was a little aprehensive because of my fresh resentments and anger. I was like "this isn't for us," but when I listened to these people talk about their issues, I think this group might actually help. These people have been where I am and they survived. I looked at my husband in a whole new light. I feel so glad that he is taking this seriously and that he wants to work on "us." A member gave me some Alanon pamphlets and invited me to some meetings. So, even though I initially felt like "this isn't for us," maybe that is a good thing. We still have a lot of work to do, but at least now I feel some hope.
It feels strange, at first, sharing intimate things with a roomful of strangers. It does help though, immensely.
So much of the pain associated with alcoholism is because of the denial, the secrecy, and the shame. The more these things are dragged out into the light, the less power they have.
Alcoholics tend to be very good at exploiting our weak spots - they know where we are vulnerable, and attack that. This fills us with self doubt - we start to believe that it all really IS our fault. To me it was so helpful to realize that blaming and lying are symptoms of the disease, and not really that meaningful personally. This is something that I would never have known, without the openness of alanon and related programs. I would have continued holding tight that secret shame - maybe he's right, maybe if I really loved him properly he wouldn't need to drink.....
So much of the resentment goes away when WE stop doing things that we resent. When we step off the roller coaster, and when we stop taking the blows that really belong to the A. None of this is easy to do, though, especially when we usually don't even realize what is really going on. The first step is to realize that in many ways you may have been more a volunteer than a victim, and the second is to just stop volunteering.
I just wanted to welcome you sash and encourage you to keep coming and keep reading.
I really have no words of wisdom, only words of support and encouragement. I am glad you felt more comfortable and are willing to explore it further. I think you will find it helps.
That "couples" meeting sounds really wonderful. I am glad you were willing to give it a try. It can be so hard for us to try new things like that. It takes a certain humility to admit we don't have all the answers ourselves and that someone else just might be able to help us. Opening our hearts and minds to the opportunities to grow presented to us every day is such an amazing gift, that I myself was closed to for far too long.
The willlingness to try has been a truly wonderful gift that I finally accepted from my HP. One I hope I never take back for a refund.
