The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Everytime Ive gone to write this I end up not posting it so Im sorry if I ramble on and just dont make to much sense..
On tuesday I said goodbye to my father at his funeral for the last time after many years of him being an A, I didnt really get to know him, there was alot of violence, mental and physical, until he took and overdose 4 years go, at that point my mother had, had enough of life like this, as well I couldnt even fit in this webpage how much happined during my childhood but it broke our family unit apart.
My father went onto benifits and with having manic depression as well as being an A, he wasnt fit to work, so he was moved around alot, stayed in some awful places and well as much as it hurts me to say this, I went to see him less and less, it hurt so bad to see him doing that to himself and at times he didnt make much sense, drinking on his tablets made his mental state worse as the years went past.
Eventually for the last year he stayed in the one place, his next door neighbourgh made friends with him and as unhappy as he was he had a friend, we picked up our relationship a bit more but not as good as I should have, he was very ill at one point and we thought we were going to loose him then but he bounced back and I was glad, I did at that point go visit him while he was in the hospital, as distressing as it was, I knew I had to be there.
I then got depressed, my life wasnt really going anywhere and I wasnt coping, so our contact came and went, I did go to see him but still not enough as I should have and I know that now.
We saw each other about 3 weeks before he died, I went with my mother to just visit him, I dont know why I just knew I had to, we all laughed and joked and had a nice 30odd mins together and we left, that door shut and that was the last time I ever saw my father again, and it hurts SO bad!
Its been 1 week and 4 days since his funeral and I still dont believe its real, I keep expecting him to ring up and ask why we havent spoken in a few days, see if im ok and to hear him say he loves me, but he cant, and its so heart breaking to know this.
I didnt even get to be there when he passed away, his brother was but I couldnt even let him know that it was ok and to just go away in peace.
Im missing bits out from this and just trying to get it out the best I can with how Im feeling but all I can say is Im distraught.
My mother is finding it very hard as well even though they were divorced, she did still love him, as Im sure some of you will know, the love doesnt always go away.
The funeral was awful, we dont get along with his family to well as they blame my mother for this, even though she never did a thing, no one puts the glass in youre hand, so we sat on one side of the cremetorium and we sat on the other, it made it all the more worse, but im sure if my father could see down to what was going on he would have been very angry at the way we were treated.
On the day of clearing out his flat, I was confronted by his next door neighbourgh who was asking me if he could get first bids on what I was throwing out, I said it wasnt anything you would want as it was all his meds they had him on and old stained sheets ect, at that point he stromed off.. he then texted me from my fathers mobile saying "*Insert my name here* I am very dissapointed, youre dad my best friend, he said when the time came to it, I could have his kilts and surround sound system" now I at this point was really really at breaking point, the place was a mess and there had been alot to do but that hit the nail on the head, I was never told about this and my father never left a will and as I am his next of kin, everything went to me, that just upset me more.
All things said and done I am glad that he isnt in pain anymore as I know he wanted to leave this world I just wish he hadnt been so lonely and in so much pain, I wish I could have eased what he felt, my mistakes will haunt me forever.
Im sorry this has gone on for so long, I never meant to talk this much about it, and well this isnt even half of the story but I needed to get it out..
Thank you, and thank you for this place to let out my feelings x
My heart goes way out to you reading this post......You are grieving and that in itself is a devastating emotion.....You also have a lifetime of pain, confusion, and possibly much much more...
Please keep comming back to us...We have all been through so much in our lifetimes...We too have gone through it...But we are still here to share experience, strength and hope....
Please feel free to e.mail me, if you need some support...
Your fellow scot......
Ally
Have sent you a private message with my e.mail addy
I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost your father. I offer my sincere condolences, and my prayers and positive energy will be with you and your family.
With caring and sincerity,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am sorry about your father. You share many similarities to mine growing up with abuse. I hope you get to an Al-anon meeting if you don't already go. I have found face to face meetings with real people can help so much. If the first meeting you go to doesn't feel right, pick another.
My father, unfortunately, left absolutely nothing to us, not even some of his momentos. His second wife got it all. He was a true Alcoholic even to the end in complete denial about everything ~ drinking, his family he abandoned, and the abuse.
Don't worry about your Dad's friend for right now. Give yourself some time. Alanon "suggests" one wait six months before making any major decisions. You may decide to give something to his friend then or you may not but at least if you give yourself some time and space, decisions become easier to make.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress, Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Lucid, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father five years ago and the pain is still fresh. My father was not an alcoholic, but he had trouble communicating and we were not always close, and yet Iwas probably one of the closest persons to him in his life, including his wife, my mom.
I have a close friend that has an A father who is going through a lot the same thing you did, with him hitting rock bottom with his living arangements. Yet she still loved him and went to see him and like you often felt like it wasn't enough, but it's more than any of the other family.
I look at the two of us, my friend and I, and I think the love of a daughter and a father, no matter the circumstances, A or not, often merits unconditional love...whether it's deserved or not.. I feel like that's how my Higher Power loves me, whom I chose to call God.. and when I'm able I try to love the A in the same way.. always remembering I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it.
Lucid, Please feel free to share what u need to share on this message board. We will not judge We have all been thru our own pain and totally understand where u are coming from on here. Please take care of yourself and keep sharing with us. This is a wonderful site to get alot of your pain out. We cant keep holding the pain inside us we do get sick over it.....Keep coming back Luv Busbe
Hello Luci am so glad u posted this today ,out of your head it will loose it's power. well done I am so sorry for your loss ,hard to let go I know . You will grieve for what could have been should have been and wasn't but u will be okay. I hope you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself they will help and u will find people who understand how u feel and what u are going thru with your loss . Please do this for yourself . Your worth the effort . Louise
