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I am feeling very sad, confused, and very emotional right now and I am not sure who to turn to at the moment, so I thought I would put my feelings here. My A and I are in marriage counseling and things do not seem to be getting better. My A stopped drinking since Sept and was doing very well. He was going to meetings acting and talking positive, up until 1.5 -2 months ago. I am in my f2f program once a week as well as open AA meetings once a week. I feel I am doing my best but still room for improvement, considering I've been in the program for 6 months.
I find my A slipping back to his old ways. Silent treatment, lots of anger and blame. Mind you, I am not perfect either. But I am working on it. I feel he has given up on our marriage. In one of our couseling sessions he told the counselor that he was not ready to move back home for two reasons. One of them being that he lives with hiis 21 year old daughter who is in bankruptcy so he was going to stay to help her out financially and the second reason was that my 19 year old daughter was at home for 3 months going to school and they have their issues so he was going to stay away to avoind confortation with her until she left our home after her schooling.
I was very hurt, sad, angry when I heard that. I thought to myself, if I feel he does not accept my children than he possibly can not accept me as my kids are a product of me. After that session he went to his appartment and went to the house. I was very emotional and started to cry. My daughter came into the room to comfort me and asked what was wrong. I said nothing. She asked if dad was moving back home when we agreed he would. I told her no. My daughter than asked if she was the problem b/c she has always felt my husband never accepted her. My response to her was that he and her need to talk and work things out. Her response was I was right he doesn't like me. This conversation I had with my daughter got to my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter than in turn, turned to my AH and told him that I told my daughter he was not coming home b/c he is trying to avoid confortation. My AH confronted me about this and now blames me that if our marriage does not work it's because I told my daughter what was said in that session.
Now, I will take full responsibility for saying that I told her a little bit about what was said b/c she seen me upset and I do not lie to people when I am asked a question. I felt at that time she needed to know that her and my AH need to work things out. I did not intend to harm anyone. So hubby feels that I tell everyone about every session. I don't! He says that if I was strong I wouldn't have said anything to my daughter or anyone else for that matter. He was going on and on this morning that I am to blame for he and my daughter not being able to work things out b/c I said what I said. He blames me for his two kids moving out at 15 and 18. He never seems to look at the positive side of things. I can sit here and put blame on him to but by attending meetings I am looking at myself on what part I had in it and I work on it. Once I work on it and figure out where I went wrong I now what I have to do to fix it. I said this to him this morning. I must say, maybe I shouldn't have said that to my daughter but I know what I have to do to fix it. But at the same time I do not want him to think he is controlling me. Something that he is very good at. He is not ready to look at himself and see his part but I am not going to worry about that. I need to stay focused on my recovery. It's not always easy but at least I can say that I am trying. I will be attending a boundries course through my church, and I am looking forward to it so that I can set better boundries than what I have done to this point. Thanks for reading.
Not sure what to say - just wanted to let you know you are not alone - Maybe in the next counseling session you could bring this issue up with your therapist. Maybe discuss how you feel your AH seems to want place the majority of the blame on you. Possibly the therapist could help you both work thru issues with the adult children.
Sounds like you are do a great job in working on you - It is a process. It does take time. Please try to do something good for you today - You deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Seems to me your A is doing a bit of manipulation to escape owning what he said and what is. He'd like to blame you for what he said. Fact is, if he would work on his relationship with your daughter it wouldn't have been said at all. Blaming her and confrontation is a pretty weak excuse for not coming back. There doesn't need to be confrontation. They are both adults. Wouldn't sitting down and discussing, working things out be less stressful?
It's not like both of them don't know there is a problem. Just because you said it out loud instead of hiding from it doesn't make the underlying situation your fault. You told the truth, why does that bother him so much? I don't think it's really about saying anything that was said in the session. I think it's more about he doesn't want to own what he said and look like the bad guy.
just my .02 cents
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Do you have a sponsor, dear? Is it possible to get to more al anon and open AA meetings? What is striking to me is that you are going 200%+ supporting him, and I don't hear much about you going out of your way to support yourself emotionally. It is prudent, if not paramount, that you take care of yourself. Additionally, I am concerned: why are you in marraige counceling when your husband has not even earned a 1 year chip? It would be wise, especially for this first year, for each of you to focus on your own programs and to work on yourselves. It would not be a bad idea, either, for you each to see your general practitioners and have a full physical--is it possible that, chemically, your body is not absorbing the food you are eating? When I went in for a full physical a few years ago, blood tests showed that my body was out right not even noticing that I was eating; in essence, the sugars, proteins and anything else I was eating was "going in one hole and out the other." No wonder I was so moody and exhausted all the time! I was starving! Lastly, have either of you had a mental health evaluation? I put this last because, if none of the other ideas have been put into place--a sponsor, step work, regular weekly meetings (this means more than 1x a week, and yes, going out of town if needed!), going to a general practitioner for a full physical of your health--a mental health professional will NOT (I REPEAT! NOT!) necessarily give you a perscription for medication. IF you are UP FRONT with what you NEED and WANT, they can be EXTREMELY helpful. Would private counceling be helpful? Family counceling? What is NOT working in marriage counceling? A mental health professional could be of EXTREME help here.
((((((((albertarose)))))))) I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Pain seems to be the name of the game when we're dealing with alcoholic and dysfunctional situations.
I agree with the suggestions you've been given on this wonderful board. This is a wonderful place to let it all hang out. I agree that if you talk about this in therapy as you have here, that might help this particular episode. One of the traits of an alcoholic who hasn't recovered emotionally is that they carry the alcoholic personality of blaming others with them even if they're not drinking.
So -- easy does it - on yourself -- take care of you -- God bless.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Each time the blame lands on me, it feels like a punch in the stomach. If I were you, I would do my best just to keep on with the counseling. Do you see your own? Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I have to agree with your ah. You should not have said anything to your daughter at all. No matter how much he has put you through you should still respect the fact that he is going to counseling to better your relationship. You broke a very big unwritten rule by talking to your daughter about the counseling. I also hear the word "blame" alot in your post. Rather it's you or him that's to blame maybe you should try to leave that word out of conversations all together. Nothing you can do about the past, only the future. I wish you the best. This is only my opinion so take what you want and leave the rest ;) Good luck sweetheart. xoxox
I dunno, sounds to me like standard alcoholic behaviour. Find some small thing that you have done wrong, and twist it and magnify it in order to deflect attention from his end of things.
You have apologized, and I hope will try to not do it again in future. That is all that you have to do. Really. You don't have to pay for the rest of your life for this mistake. Just because the A will try to milk all the benefit he can out of your misstep doesn't mean you have to let him.
Instead of being hurt by living apart at this time, you can choose to use this as a respite, to work on your end of things. The reality is, he and your daughter don't get along. Doesn't much matter who's fault it is, but do you really want to live in the middle of it? It's so important for those of us who love alcoholics to look squarely at reality, and not to indulge in wishful thinking. Look at the real relationship he and she really have, right now, and ask yourself if you want it in your face 24 hours a day. Maybe he is right, and the two of you are better off apart, for now.
You want him to love your children, and he doesn't. No matter how hurt this makes you feel, there is nothing YOU can do about it. You can either accept it, or say "Love me, love my kids" and show him the door. Turning him into someone who loves your daughter is not one of your choices.
Tiger2006 wrote: Do you have a sponsor, dear? Is it possible to get to more al anon and open AA meetings? What is striking to me is that you are going 200%+ supporting him, and I don't hear much about you going out of your way to support yourself emotionally. It is prudent, if not paramount, that you take care of yourself. Additionally, I am concerned: why are you in marraige counceling when your husband has not even earned a 1 year chip? It would be wise, especially for this first year, for each of you to focus on your own programs and to work on yourselves. It would not be a bad idea, either, for you each to see your general practitioners and have a full physical--is it possible that, chemically, your body is not absorbing the food you are eating? When I went in for a full physical a few years ago, blood tests showed that my body was out right not even noticing that I was eating; in essence, the sugars, proteins and anything else I was eating was "going in one hole and out the other." No wonder I was so moody and exhausted all the time! I was starving! Lastly, have either of you had a mental health evaluation? I put this last because, if none of the other ideas have been put into place--a sponsor, step work, regular weekly meetings (this means more than 1x a week, and yes, going out of town if needed!), going to a general practitioner for a full physical of your health--a mental health professional will NOT (I REPEAT! NOT!) necessarily give you a perscription for medication. IF you are UP FRONT with what you NEED and WANT, they can be EXTREMELY helpful. Would private counceling be helpful? Family counceling? What is NOT working in marriage counceling? A mental health professional could be of EXTREME help here.
Hi Tiger
Thank you for your response. To answer some of your questions, here is what happens in my week for me. Monday night alanon meeting. Tuesday night my support group I go to for abused women. Wednesday night my Boundries course. Thursday my night to relax. Friday night open AA meeting. Sat, my day of chorse. Sunday church. Once my boundries course is over on Wednesday nights that I will resume back to alanon meetings again both Monday and Wed. Yes, I have a sponsor that I talk with frequently. Yes, I am in private couseling 2 to 3 times a month plus marriage counseling 2x a month. Iread my literature as well as other self help books. Yes, I have gone to my doctor and my body chemical balance is fine. So as you can see I am helping myself. You made a good point about my husband not earning his first chip, so whay are we in marriage counseling. My answer is b/c I still love him and I had hope as I started seeing a change in him up until 2 months ago. My husband stopped going to meetings, did not get a sponsor, was not putting 100% into his program and that's why I feel he went backwards. He stopped drinking but I must say that I enabled him to continue smoking pot. As he still does today. He is on antidepressants as well as his pot. He takes high blood pressure pills. We found out a month ago that he may be facing the possibility of prostate cancer. I have been trying to be supportive and understanding. Trying to talk to him etc.... but every time I do I get shot down with verbal abuse. Name calling and blaming. I deserve to have a HAPPY life with sobriety and peace. He does to but he's just not ready to give up his addictions in my mind. He went back to the appartment that he and his daughter share and now he's talking divorce. The only thing that I can do right now is look after me and take One Day at a Time.
Friendofyours wrote: I have to agree with your ah. You should not have said anything to your daughter at all. No matter how much he has put you through you should still respect the fact that he is going to counseling to better your relationship. You broke a very big unwritten rule by talking to your daughter about the counseling. I also hear the word "blame" alot in your post. Rather it's you or him that's to blame maybe you should try to leave that word out of conversations all together. Nothing you can do about the past, only the future. I wish you the best. This is only my opinion so take what you want and leave the rest ;) Good luck sweetheart. xoxox
Thanks for your opinion! Like I said I am taking full responsibility for what I did. I can't change the fact I said what I said, I can only change what I can do to fix it. I am aware of that. And I am working on it. It's only been 6 months since I've been in the program so I have not grasped every tool and how to put it to work. I am trying and I thank you for your support.
He left last night and I mentioned in another quote he now talking divorce. All that I can do right now is pray that he finds his way to recovery and in the meantime I am continuing to look afrer myself. It's going to rough for awhile, but I know I have the support behind me.
I dunno, sounds to me like standard alcoholic behaviour. Find some small thing that you have done wrong, and twist it and magnify it in order to deflect attention from his end of things.
You have apologized, and I hope will try to not do it again in future. That is all that you have to do. Really. You don't have to pay for the rest of your life for this mistake. Just because the A will try to milk all the benefit he can out of your misstep doesn't mean you have to let him.
Instead of being hurt by living apart at this time, you can choose to use this as a respite, to work on your end of things. The reality is, he and your daughter don't get along. Doesn't much matter who's fault it is, but do you really want to live in the middle of it? It's so important for those of us who love alcoholics to look squarely at reality, and not to indulge in wishful thinking. Look at the real relationship he and she really have, right now, and ask yourself if you want it in your face 24 hours a day. Maybe he is right, and the two of you are better off apart, for now.
You want him to love your children, and he doesn't. No matter how hurt this makes you feel, there is nothing YOU can do about it. You can either accept it, or say "Love me, love my kids" and show him the door. Turning him into someone who loves your daughter is not one of your choices.
