The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
((((((((((Roomies)))))))))))As some of you know I’m going through a really rough time in my life right now. I know I have been withdrawn and not offering much support and for this I am sorry. I am the one in need of support right now and I feel very let down by certain people in my life. I have thought I had relationships that were reliable and trusting ones. I let myself put trust into these people, and shared friendships believing that we were there for each other only to discover that I was wrong. In the past I have helped people get through rough times, I wasaccessible to them most of the time and did my best to give them a shoulder to lean on. I spoke with them on the phone or online sometimes for hours. Now they have wandered away on their journey leaving me standing here alone. I understand people are busy with their lives but to take 5 minutes to call or type out an email to say I’m thinking about you or how are you doing shouldn’t be too much to ask. I am heartbroken knowing that people just are not what they perceived themselves to be. It seems to me that the terms “friend and trust” are used a little too loosely with a lot of people. I am usually very guarded when it comes to trusting people and little by little I let the guard down and that is usually when their true colors come out and I get hurt. These terms are something that I take to heart and feel very strongly about. If I tell someone that I consider them a friend and that they can trust me I would never waver from that. I know that people will say only trust HP but I feel that it is a very sad world that we live in if you can’t trust people as well as HP.
I am sorry if you feel that you have been let down by others and you are right about what I am going to say.
We are all human beings and not perfect. We have flaws and character defects and all of the other traits that humans share--like our As. It is for that reason that the only one that we can KNOW will not hurt us or let us down is our HP.
One of my struggles in recovery is learning to trust others and to do so with my eyes wide open. I no longer want to trust others with the blind trust that I gave to my AH. Now that he is my sober AH, I am working hard at finding that balance. I am learning how to trust him again, but it will never be the same. I know that even with best intentions he may hurt me again--and probably will. Hopefully, it won't be to the same degree as before, but he is still human--imperfect and flawed--as am I.
Hang in there and keep reaching out to others--we are out here and are going through the same things!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I went through the same thing in recovery. Lost some people i completely trusted. I am not the person that used to call you however we have spoke for hours online. I remember when i was going through this i had to look at my side of the street and wonder if it was really clean the answer, it wasnt. People dont like to be around angry people that is a fact ,especially if its all the time and that it what it was for me. I have backed off you too. I can tell you the exact reason for it also. Maybe others will have the same reason too maybe not. Im sure you would know if you dig deep within yourself. IF you want to know why from me. Pm me and i will tell you. Has nothing to do with anything that happened this week. I do know your not refering to me in this post. Just thought i would offer some esh. on this subject since i went through it. Its not about trusting anyone. For me it was they were taking care of them and stepping out of a unhealthy relationship that i gave them. I cant blame anyone for taking care of themselves and choosing not to be around me that was two years ago. I do know now who are my true friends and who are not. It passes once we do the work in recovery and new friendships are formed.
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Hmm, so the strong lady has given up....Well, I won't let that happen hen!!!
We all let ourselves get involved in others lives, we feel an attraction, we feel a bond, we feel a calmness with someone, and we give all we have to that person...110%. And for a while it's brilliant. We have a friend, someone to confind in, share our deepest thoughts. At last we got someone to TRUST..... And It makes us feel wanted, loveable again...
Friends are a wonderful thing in our lives..Be it inside or outside the 12 steps. But I think if it is a friendship within the programme, we need to accept we are all sick, and we recover at a different pace... I discovered that one too late... People try too quickly I think to grasp this programme, they get on a high, think they have found the answer to all their prayers.... But we all need to work on us... Its easy to become connected to someone, but also we need to protect ourselves...Are we suited as friends... Are we both hurting......Are we ready to take the responsibility friendship consists of....All these questions need to be asked.
I also think some people try to become a huge support for someone else, and then realise they need to work on them first, before they can offer support to anyone else..
People can hurt eachother in so many different ways...becoming close to someone...having someone depend on you can be a frightening experience...
Being let down time and time again is natural for a person within a programme.... And the more it happens the lower we become....
Our self esteem goes, our trust goes, everything about us feels rejected....But we all have two choices hen!!!! Do we let this beat us??? Or do we get up and make sure it doesn't happen again....
You got a family in here who love you shads.....Some wonderful friends.... So if your sitting on the pity pot today....well thats allowed.....Just dont get your butt stuck in it okay..lol
I am so sorry you are having these feelings. I know you are hurting and for that I am also very sorry. I wish I could help in some way, but all I know to say to you is......I care, I'm praying for you and I'm here for you in any way that I can be. You are a dear lady and I am happy every time I see you in the MIP room. You have been so helpful to me in so many ways. I hope I can give just a little of that back to you. This is a very difficult time in your life and I know the pain has to be beyond description. I know sometimes when I am hurting, I don't see things as clearly as at other times. I hope this is one of those times for you and that your many friends will come through for you when you least expect it. Just know that I am here, loving you through it all.
Dear Shadow, I am soooo sorry you are hurting right now. I wrote this for you and I hope you know that all the resposes you get here are the answers to your prayers. I love to see you in chat and you always make me smile. I hope this time we can do the same for you. Love, Sunshinedt
My Sweet Angel
My sweet angel above please aide me in forging through my life I have seen times when pain was around and i aided others in their flight My sweet angel above my heart is breaking as I feel my angels have left me I have been down and feel the darkness and am searching for the light my sweet angel above please show me the way to the light i am in need of the warmth and the splendor it carries my sweet angel above please share your love and acceptance I am so searching for For I am alone and scared
My sweet friend you have called me and asked me for help and for that I will bless you with your friends you so doubt. Open your heart and your arms oh so wide and see the grace of God as they flock to your side.
~~~~♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ all my love♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~
you are the lady who had back surgery in dec. i remember chatting with you in the chat room just this morning i was wondering about you. how you have been? how is your back? i have no words of advice for you. but, i would like to say i have missed you here. i once had a surgery, and, people around me thought that after a month i should have been up and about. i wasn't. i seemed to be okay physically, but, sometime during the proccess of healing a depression set in. be careful special friend. you sound like you may have sypmtoms of depression. take good care of yourself. [hmmmm, sounds like i might be giving a little advice after all] YOU ARE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.
i remember telling my husband about you, because, you live not to from us. and, i believe we have associates from the same small town not far from where i live.
i know being your own best friend can be lonely........, i have been there with that feeling. i gave it over to my higher power, and, recently i have noticed i have more friends than i know what to do with. i am used to being alone [isolation being a big part of this disease] and, getting used to people phoning me to chat can be a little disconcerting.
you and i don't live far from one and other, about an hour and a half - two hour drive. would you like to talk on the phone? pm me if you are interested. maybe we could meet for coffee somewhere in the city ?
it is late now. time to sign off. take care dear one. many blessings, jewely
With all the responses I hope you have changed your mind about being alone. I do relate to your post and about when I was there also however by following suggestions about "keep coming back" I learned, with an open mind, many solutions and trust/no trust is hardly an issue for me today. I learned about "Expectations being future resentments" and that softening my expectations of people relieves the pain of feeling bad when I think that they don't come thru for me. I learn, "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" so that when another person didn't come thru for me in the way I expected or at all I could accept the fact of that and move on. I learned "qualified" trust most directed at my alcoholic and then I was able to apply it to all of my relationships, far and near. Qualified trust means not putting a unreasonable expectations on anyone. Asking someone for something they are not capable of offering/giving is a set-up to my ego and emotions. Then of course there is the one about "assuming?" I don't do alot of assuming today. I usually ask for feedback from the other person about where they are at and what they think is going on. Saves me from groping around in the dark and banging into things that hurt.
Keep hanging around here, one day at a time cause it gets major better.
Hi Shadow, I'm sorry for your sadness right now but I hope what I have to say might be of some comfort to you. At the worst of my illness I was everybodies friend and now that I'm getting well I can see although I would like to think I'm a person of my word, with some of those people It was all a bout me and not them, since I've found recovery I have needed to step away from alot of those people for my own sanity, some haven't taken it well, it has hurt me that I have had to do that but it's about being honest with myself and my own well being, I have descovered though that new friends have come along and those that realy know the real me have shone through, now in recovery I have to limit myself in the way that I reach out to people, if friends have a problem with me now because I have to distance myself, so be it. It really isn't about not caring at all, it's a personal thing and being my own best friend is helping me.
I can see you are sad and I know this is difficult. However, I see growth in your post. I see that you are awakening, and this is great progress. Well done!
An important step in early recovery is awareness. In the midst of living with this disease in our lives it is easy to reach out to whoever will give us comfort. Some of us may trust too easily, expect others to be as loyal as we ourselves are. But this is not always how people are.
Sometimes when we listen to those in distress and offer comfort, we can be of real help to those people. Our understanding may help them see a different perspective and help them through their problem. And then they may naturally grow in a different direction. They may need to go down new avenues in their lives. This is the growth of life.
It is important to recognise the important part our listening and understanding plays in the growth of those we get close to. But it is also important to recognise that it is okay to let go, and find our new directions for ourselves.
I know you are feeling let down by people in your life, and this is devestating. I am battling with this myself at the moment. I find it easier when I create boundaries for myself. I refuse to be treated in certain ways. If someone (even someone I thought was a close family member) lets me down, I see no point in continuing the charade of a relationship. I let go.
I know this is a hard time for you, but you were a genuine friend and you deserve to hold your head high.
Not sure exactly what has been happening in your life but I truly hope that from this day it gets better. I remember a saying about having 5 true friends in your life being a gift. They don't have to be a constant just there when the chips are down. Sometimes people back off from friendships because they take different directions. I think it can be healthy for some to end ,paving the way for new beginnings with others. Just try and remember that each of us here are all vulnerable in some way and it is also very easy for miscommunication via words rather than dealing face to face with people. (((())) Stay in touch Luv Leo xxx
I've always said, that friendships take as much love and nurturing as do other relationships. I have a really good friend, but we haven't spoken in 6 months. I know she still cares about me, but our schedules are just beyond crazy. Sometimes relationships need space. Perhaps these people are going through things that they are not ready to talk to you about. Perhaps they need to do what they have to. It's okay to guard your heart. It's okay to not to always be the strong one. Heck, that's what makes us human, not superhuman.
As for you being alone. Young lady, you are never alone here. You have such a loving generous heart. Your work here has not gone unnoticed. I am very greatful that you are here. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you for your wonderful support. I didn't expect all the replies with such warm thoughts. I was just getting my feelings out. Its nice to know that most people care about me and appreciate the things I do. I will take what I like(most of it) and leave the rest. lol
Shad, Remember how much you are loved and respected my friend. I know there are many others here who feel the same way. Keep your chin up.
You are a thoughtful, caring woman, and yes you have helped many in this room for sure. I, for one love to see you, to chat, to trade ES&H.
Like you said, take what you like and leave the rest..... Remember what you know to be true of yourself, and remember you are cared for beyond measure.
