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Not alot of dramma tonight, at least not by my standards anyway. I am tired as all heck and A is doing the rummage through stuff and swear thing. I tell him he is making me nervous and he snaps SO WHAT!! So I start acting snappy and short too. And in my head I am ranting about him and doing dumb stuff like tossing things in my way when I stop and say to myself "I am reacting" I don't think it's about over reacting. I think it's about reacting at all. How to handle this? Living with someone who stomps around hissing insults and profanity (which they will never admit they do) and batting down anything in thier path...and not react? But I do it, and in a minute, I am not even angry, though I do wish they would go. And then they go...for way longer then they should. And the "then" me would sit at the window like a puppy for the headlights, hoping they come home yet dissappointed when they do. But the "now" me goes and types on the computer because I know that it is still affecting me but I don't want it to. I don't want to look for the car, or stay up worrying, or be mad. I just want to get on. So here I am with my little codependant bible codependent no more and it says...try theese four suggestions: 1.Recognize when you're reacting OK done that 2.Make yourself comfortable Trying to do that 3.Examine what happened Doing that now 4.Figure what you need to take care of yourself I guess that would be to put the kids to bed and clean up and put me to bed. Tomorrow is going to happen regardless of whatever he is doing (trying not to think about it). Worst case scenario is that he does not come home and I have a good reason to keep the kids home from school (he has to drive them) and miss class myself and I don't know...how to sleep like this?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
You know for me, to take care of me was, getting my own source of money, get my own car, get my own home, completely make me independant of A totally.
This way, the only thing I would miss was him. NO concern over no vehicle, money or home or anything. His disease had no hold over me.
Taking care of me was so much more than a nice shower. It was protecting me. The world is tough, and a sick Ah or Aw is NO ONE you can depend on ever, for anything. IF they are able to give some it is precious.
I hope you can find your own serenity, you sure are on the right path. love,debilyn
Sounds like you are moving in the right direction.
Maybe a long term aspect of "Figure out What You Need to Take Care of Yourself" would be to work out a way that your life and the kids' would not be disrupted if he were not able to drive them - busses, other parents who would give a ride now and then, a vehicle of your own, whatever.
Whenever I made changes that made me less dependent on him, life got better for both of us. When he is in my life not because I "need" him, but because I "want" him, I actually want him more. When it was all about need, it was also all about resentment, because he was so unreliable.
For me, concrete, practical changes, like taking my own car to things so I could leave when I wanted to, made an enormous difference in my life.
Sometimes you just have to ask yourself "How important is it, is it really worth giving my serenity away??" It's not about who's right or wrong, it not about making a point, it's about keeping yourself in that place that is good for you -- really asking yourself "how important is it?" When I finally understood that, I was able to keep my serenity (my peace) for longer periods of time.
Lin, Thank you for posting! This is my insight for the day. -- "Whenever I made changes that made me less dependent on him, life got better for both of us. When he is in my life not because I "need" him, but because I "want" him, I actually want him more. When it was all about need, it was also all about resentment, because he was so unreliable"
The fact that we can recognize that we are reacting to an unhealthy situation, stop reacting and start taking care of ourselves - that in itself is a true miracle - Awesome, awesome job Jamie.
Great steps in your recovery - keep working toward taking care of you & those precious children.
Hope you were able to get a good night's rest.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Last night I was really trying to maintain composure, I can see how this has affected me over the years. When the A takes the 4 hour trips to the store I would stomp around the house and say things like "Where do you think they are?" to the kids. I am ashamed now to think I did that to them. I guess I though of them as my little wittnesses so that when the A would deny being gone...ugh. At least it's not too late to change. I put the kids to bed last night and didn't utter a word about it. I came up with a pretty good plan for if the A didn't come home. When they did come home, I realized that I mispoke earlier. I said that the worse case scenario would be if he didn't come home. Now I think worse case scenario would be if they always come home and nothing ever changes. Still trying to get my own car/ liscence Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Thanks everyone