The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
More and more as I learn about Al-anon, visit this board and go to face2face mtg's, the consistent message is that this is about ME.
Although I have feelings about what my Ah is doing or not doing, what Ido is what I can control.
Some things I am learning: Not only in my relationship with my husband, but in other relationships too, I am realizing that I am very passive-aggressive, controlling and manipulative, using the guise of "just trying to be nice/to help". Anything that is not familiar to me, or is not MY WAY, makes me anxious. I have very rigid boundaries and anything outside of MY WAY is wrong. I am a perfectionist - an anxious, rigid, egotistical...perfectionist!! It's very easy for me to judge and criticize others, instead of looking at myself. I seek the assurance and approval of other people whose opinions I value, so that I don't have to be personally responsible for the decisions I make. I react to situations a lot, instead of responding. I can be easily swayed by outspoken people and will change my own opinion, if they make a solid argument against what I believe in. I doubt myself a lot, but I have a very hard time admitting that I am wrong. I don't always say what I mean or what I really want. and the list could go on...
But from all of this, I am learning that I am responsible for my life. I am responsible for making my life work (or in many cases NOT work) and my behaviour will predict my own personal satisfaction within my own life. I am accountable to that. I am not a victim to the circumstances of life or to the choices of others. I have choices. The choices I make will impact the life that I create for myself.
You just pretty much described me. lol Each day with the help of my HP and working the steps I am becoming more and more aware of things about myself. And, that's what this program is all about!
Oh my, I could have written that about me.....I have never put some of that in words but I do it all. Thanks for sharing, it helped me make it real....and whew! What shall I do with it? First steps first
Hi Rora, Wonderful realizations! I too, could have written that. Progress not perfection, right? Thanks for sharing your progress! Love in recovery, Leetle
Would any of the things you listed happen to be things that your A said to you? Because my A said this exact thing to me: "very passive-aggressive, controlling and manipulative" ... If so, don't listen to him. Really. Because they will do anything to pass the blame. Yes, it's true that you are not responsible for the choices he makes and he is not responsible for the choices you make. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having boundaries!! If he thinks his behaviour when he drinks is acceptable and you don't, there is NOTHING wrong with that (so long as you don't try to change the other person to suit your tastes). If anything it's good that you can stick to your boundaries. The A in your life may not like it. Don't take it to heart. We teach people how to treat us, please don't ever mistake setting up boundaries for being a "perfectionist" or "egotist". It's very hard to say 'no' sometimes, because there is always fear the other person won't like us. But it's NOT wrong to meet YOUR needs. There is a difference. You said "I doubt myself a lot" -that is the only thing that I thought rang true in all that you listed there. I think the rest sounded like you are getting down on yourself and beating yourself up too much. It is very difficult to live with A's, as you can see on this messageboard, I wonder if he has ever tried to meet you half-way or are you taking too much responsibility for what's happened in your relationship? In my humble opinion I think that in these situations we all have choice: such as instead of yelling or throwing things one can always also choose to leave the room, collect their thoughts and come back later. I think at the heart of Al anon it is true it's about focusing on what actions you can take as opposed to what actions you can MAKE the other person take. It's not about taking on responsiblity for the other person, which includes not blaming yourself, not blaming yourself if the relationship has to end, not getting in the way of the natural course of events if the natural course of events is for the A to loose something or for there to be a crisis. You are not a bad person for putting your and your child's safety and well-being first!
