The material presented
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I am at wits end. My husband has stopped and started drinking so many times that I have lost count. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I threw him out. As he had no money, no where to go, he was on my doorstep 2 days later begging for a place to stay. So the promises start. He starts to detox once again, says he will go to AA and will do anything he has to in order for this marriage to work. He is now on day 9 without alcohol and he has been extremely abusive verbally AGAIN. Nothing has changed. He has been to one AA meeting and now says he doesn't need meetings to stop drinking. He is now DEMANDING I quit smoking as he has quit drinking. I found out right before I threw him out that he had "fooled around" and made out with a woman that had been a constant issue between us. Now all he can say is she is out of the picture and NOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? He is saying I am crazy and I am just going round and round in circles until I feel sick. I don't know what to do. How does this ever change or am I in la la land thinking that it will, that he will? He has gotten us into a complete financial mess so that it is impossible for me to be on my own financially. He has all these TOYS that he HAD TO HAVE. I have been to Alanon for years before as I caome from and alcoholic home. I have never been so messed up in my life. How does anyone ever get over the pain of infidelity, being verbally abused, etc? I am on eggshells all the time. My two grown daughters won't talk to me because I took him back. I am in such a mess. He almost committed suicide last week. Now I am thinking I should be the one to do that! It would be easier than deal with all this crap.
Hang in there Debo, you are not alone. It is hard for sure. I am new to the process myself, but am glad that you found this website and know that you will get lots of wisdom and support from the family here. Someone told me when I first came to stop........and BREATH. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. I hope that helps and that others will give you their wisdom to help you today. Take Care, Leetle
It starts to get better when you let go of expectations from him, and start to focus on yourself. Pay attention to your own actions - are you valuing yourself? Are you treating yorself well? Are you giving true weight to your own feelings and needs? If YOU aren't, how can you expect anyone else to, especially someone as sick as an A?
We teach others how to treat us, it's as simple as that. Start by treating yourself well. Once you know how that feels, you can look at the gap between how you want to be treated by your husband, and how he really DOES treat you, and see if you can live with that.
I don't have alot of wise words, just want to say that I can relate. I am always trying to measure the pros and cons of this relationship, most people who know the inside scoop don't see how I manage to stay. For me learning some basic ideas helped me with my own sanity, especially the part where I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Super especially the part where I can't control it; I was driving myself batty. I am working toward being in a better place, but i will take time and effort. Hang in there. I look forward to hearing from you. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Your situation rings so true and real for me, and I'm sure many others!
I hear your misery, how tired you are, how completely fed up . . .
In my experience, this is exactly when YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH, dammit. It may feel like you have no more to fight with, but you are getting strong enough to take some action, whatever it may be. These feelings/emotions roiling around are horrible and painful, but they will compel you into health.
You are doing your best in an unbearable situation. Let the process of your pain and anger wake you up to what you need to do for yourself. It will happen. Just read here, post, go to meetings, and it will start happening for you. It won't happen over night, but you'll look back in a week or so and be amazed at your own progress.
oh deb, oh boy. Well first forget all ya just wrote. Say stop and put in I am ok the way I am. Stop walking on eggshells. Just stop, if he is abusive it is up to you to show him the door if you want that.
Get this book, " Getting Them Sober." It taught me soooo much. It is easy to read, easy and true.
I could explain all you just wrote, but decided to shut up. The most important thing is, stop enabling him right now. Think of YOU. What do you want? How can we get YOU well.
Your story is just like almost everyones. Alcoholism, using any drug as an addiction is a disease. You can do nothing for him. He will not change no matter what you do. He will only change for him.
they have to get so sick of it, they know they have to get well to live. I used to take mine back in too. NO MORE. He needs to be miserable. Sadly he just uses someone else who allows it. Sometimes an A has it worse when they are good looking. some ignorant broad will allow him to use her. Nothing against her either.
HE messed around??? yea just made out. oh brother.
anyway hon you are at the right place. You cannot go on like this, that is why you came here. Look for meetings in your area. GO they want you there.
I am so proud of you for coming here. Keep coming back, keep sharing, venting.
So what can you do for you right now??? Go get you some thing good to eat. Take a nice warm shower, use some pretty oils, candles. insense. Put on a nice nightgown. watch a movie.
IF he gets awful leave the room, Make a room for just you. put a lock on it.
It is up to you. I understand you taking him back, but it is not him you took back, it is a disease that is manipulating you.
You don't have to engage in arguments with him...if you chose not to. I understand your anger and resentment at what has happened, having been there myself.
But for yourself, you would be wise to detatch from as much as you can. When he starts bickering or telling you what you should be doing, say things like...'hadn't thought about it like that', 'maybe you're right, let me think about that'. Just don't engage in the row. Leave the room if you can. It's best to save your energy for yourself really. He'll start to see there is no reaction and not much point in rowing with you. Hopefully, it will lead to a more peaceful home life.
This is worth a try, don't you think. It worked for me!
Sorry for all ou your pain, and I have been there..... The answer to your question, of "how does anyone get thru this", is pretty simple (as they say in Al-Anon - our answers are simple.. they may not be "easy", but they are simple).
1. One Day at a Time.... You don't need to focus on the future, try focussing on whatever you need to get by right now.... one day, one hour, or even one minute..... it helps bring you back onto solid ground.
2. Change your focus.... from your A (where it is obviously on right now), to you and YOUR recovery. Let him own his..... "he will either drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
The stuff he is doing, and challenging you with, is stereotypical alcoholic babble, and he's desperately trying to shift the focus off of him & his addiction, and putting onto you and/or anyone else. Stop allowing him to do this. THis, in the true sense of the word, is the whole concept of detachment. Right now, you are enmeshed in all his crap, and the sick side of him (his addiction), wants to keep you right there.
Try reading the "Getting Them Sober", volume one book, by Toby Rice Drews. In a nutshell, that book teaches us that "if we really love our A's, then we will get ourselves better".
I wish you luck and courage, but time to focus on you....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I feel like I could have written your post exactly a year ago. I, too, was wondering whether I should commit suicide. It is horrifying to watch someone hurt themselves and then feel the insanity of wanting to hurt YOURSELF, too!! Please, stick around here, listen to people here. Most of us have been exactly where you are, and things do change. If you begin to work this program and take care of yourself (for me it took a while to do this) - you will, I promise, begin to feel better.
It seems like the end of the world when this disease takes control of your loved one's life, and eventually you begin to lose your sanity also worrying about it. Please please, take the advise above and DO get the book, Getting them Sober. It is a lifesaver. I swear I read this book like the bible last year. You will learn things like detachment and begin to know that in using certain tools you will be actually helping your alcoholic.
I learned SO much also on this website. This website has so many loving, caring people here who seem to say exactly what you need to hear. Stick close, it will help you.
I wish you all the best, and yes, take a deep breath, know that YOU are worth it and you are okay today. Try a face to face Alanon meeting also, it will help to begin to learn to take care of you and do things for you.
First of all, I used to go to Alanon YEARS AGO. But for the life of me can not remember HOW TO DETACH! What do I do? You know today I tried to not react or respond to him........It is like HE IS TRYING TO PICK FIGHTS all the time. The less I answered or got involved, the more ANGRY at me he got. He is so freaking sick. We went out for a ski doo ride earlier for a few hours and it was fun. Of course on the way home I got the ski doo caught in the road, yelled for help from him and of course he didn't "like my tone" F'ING A! Can't I do anything right? He then got home to a message from his boss. Apparently yesterday he was told he had to come into work today. He called him up, started to argue, hung up and left for work..................PEACE AND QUIET ALL TO MYSELF NOW. Aeems like heaven. I'll go out and get the book today. I also read a few pages of my very old Alanon book. Weird, the days of the month I read were the past few days. You know how they tell you in the program when you read something or open a page randomly, it's usually what you need to read? WOW Isn't that true. Thanks for all your help and support. I also called my doctor and asked for a referral to a shrink that knows and deals with Alcoholics families so I can go talk this all out.
This made me laugh . . . I so relate. The way I tolerated my A's behavior for the last seven years was to let him be the judge of whether or not I was doing anything right. My A, like most others, is very compelling, intelligent, insightful, and being the codependent I am, I was all too willing to second guess myself.
It amazes me, looking back, that this guy who makes terrible choices that end up causing himself the worst suffering and consequences, was allowed to judge ME.
One of my A's favorite lines is "Well aren't you just Little Miss Perfect! You can do no wrong!" My own tried this line on me last night, and I surprised myself by grinning and almost laughing. I am far from perfect, or right, but I'm POSITIVE I didn't cause his current problems, and when he tries to blame me, it just sounds ridiculous. Thank God, thank God.
Your A had to be ordered into his own job today like a bratty teenager told to clean his room. How low is that? He's in no position to judge you for sure.
Enjoy your quiet peaceful day. I read Getting them Sober many years ago, and need another copy for myself. I'm going to get one today too :D .
Infidelity: Well in my experience, I NEVER got over it. I just learned to live w/it. Sad isn't it? Ya know how it goes, IT happened, he says he is sorry & swares it will never happen again and I say OK. I think I pretended forgiveness but now realize that not only did I NOT forgive but I NEVER forgot either. It sat at the bottom of my heart like a stone. - A stone he threw at me. And it is still there even though the AH is gone.
I asked him to leave a week ago and he said he'd go to his sister's 14 hours away. Well, he never made it out of town....headed straight to the crack house he always crashes at. I haven't heard a word from him....he hasn't even bothered to call the kids. But ya know what the reason for the fight was that resulted in him leaving? It was about sex. Him not getting enough of it from me. This after he was gone on a 13 day binge.....I wouldn't do it....couldn't bring myself to whoring myself out to him just to keep him from going on another binge and keeping peace in the house. I had to draw the line at some point and I am glad I did. WHY? b/c he lies. And I never saw it before this week. The lies. I never pictured him as a liar. He used to criticize my brother for fabricating stories and look at him. BIG FAT LIAR! And I bet that every time he has gone off on his binges, he has cheated.....his claims of not wanting it when he is high are sure to be bogus.... just like everything else.
With that all in mind....I just wanted to say that you have to decide what is right for you, decide when you have had enough, decide what you need and when you need it. And in the mean time, find a little time for yourself to search for you inner-peace every day.
Hello Debo... Don't mind me. This is my first HOUR on this site, and I've never even heard of it until now. It's oddly comforting to read what you've written because I felt like I was the only one trapped in this senseless world. I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I've used this mantra since I was a little girl, and it's always made weathering the storm simpler somehow: "This, too, shall pass." It takes a big heart and a great deal of strength to make it as far as you have.
Thanks Jessie! I have used that saying as well as "that which does not kill me can only make me stronger!" I might CRACK UP ON THE WAY to being stronger, but what the heck! I just keep reading all these posts over and over again, and find comfort knowing I am not alone! Welcome to the forum! I am new here too!
You need to get away from him honey. Usually I would say "try this, try that" but in this case. OMG get away from him. He is what's called a "dry drunk". At this point without couseling on HIS part he will always be this way. He has been drinking and acting a certain way that he IS this person. Have you ever heard that saying "children learn what they live?" well this is him except he's not a child. He's made you sick sweetheart. Your daughters are trying to tell you something........you need to GET OUT! This sounds mean to say but if he kills himself then..........he kills himself. Do not feel sorry for him. He is abusive and why do you think you deserve to be treated like that? Are you that bad of a person that you need to be talked down to? (I don't think so) I remember a woman in my couseling group that said her husband became so abusive that he had her actually believing she couldn't walk, she eventually was in a wheel chair and there was NOTHING wrong with her. It wasn't until she got away from him that she realized there was NOTHING wrong with her. You need that something inside of you to SNAP and say forget this mess and just walk away. Your worth it aren't you? You are in my prayers. Please take that step to get away.
, Leetle
