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I guess you can say that my AH gave me a Valentine's present last night. He gave me his wedding rings. We were playing Candy Land w/our daughter and he (for the 10th time) asked if I was going to give him some Valentine's Red Hot Lovin'. I just looked at him like he was crazy and said Uh No. He didn't believe me. He was like, "Are you kiddin'? You aren't gonna give me any lovin' on Valentine's?" I told him that I just couldn't. It would be moving in the wrong direction (something I have been saying to him for a week now.) He was like "I can't believe this. That is one thing you women can do...just shut you legs, just like that." I told him I wasn't doing it to "Punish" him but b/c we need to concentrate on ourselves, our own recovery. I told him he needed to concentrate on himself and not worry about me and I needed to concentrate on myself & not worry about him. We can work on our relationship down the road. He said I WAS PART OF HIS RECOVERY! That "US" was part of it for him. Blah blah blah.
Then he asked me when I was going to put my wedding rings back on. I had taken them off in the first few days of his latest 13 day binge. I just gave him a look and didn't answer. Then he asked where they were and I told him I had them locked up in my safe. He took his off and handed them to me and said that I could put his in there too. So I took them upstairs. I don't have my safe in the house (I didn't tell him that) and I don't really care what he does w/his rings, so I just put them in my empty jewelry box. They are his and he can do what he likes with them. I feel no need to lock them up. After doing that I went into my bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. I had to smile at myself. Granted it wasn't a huge step but it was a step in the right direction.
After all of that, he had his butt on his shoulders and was all mopey. Fine whatever. I don't want things to get nasty between us and I am trying very hard to be as polite and civil as absolute possible. So I just did my own thing and pretended not to notice how he was acting. Needless to say, this morning he was acting fine. He even put a chicken in the crockpot for dinner and is doing a little around the house.
He is supposed to be talking to his stepdad early next week about staying w/him for a while and working on recovery/rehab of some sort. And he has made several calls to line up a job. He has an interview tomorrow. So we will see how things go.
my ex AH still blaims his drinking on our lack of intimacy. How can you sleep with someone who pees the bed and smells to high heaven of stale beer? He said if I paid more attention to him, he wouldn't drink so much. They have a million, don't they??
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Sounds like you are doing great. Way to stick to your guns. One of the most impressive parts of this program has been to show me ways to stay on an even keal. I used to go crazy when things were good (trying to keep them that way), and go crazy when things were bad blaming her and I for what's gone to He!! this time.
Now I find that her tantrums don't mean I have to flip out with her, and her being nice can be enjoyed without the guilt of thinking I should do something to congratulate her.
The rings.... it's always the rings. She wears em... takes em off, leaves them on the dresser or throws them at me. I have found that her guilt has a lot more to do with what she does to the rings than I ever did. My reaction to her taking them off/ putting them on never made a bit of difference, so I just don't anymore. Less stress on me.
Keep trucking on your own path and you will be fine.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh, yes...the rings. I have never taken mine off, but my AH does the same thing, wears it, throws it, hides it, loses it. I quit reacting. The only thing that makes me sad, is that that shiny golden ring started out to be a symbol of joy, faithfulness, and commitment. Now, it is just a piece of jewelry. Alcohol seeks to destroy everything good. I'm still not taking mine off....I love my wedding and engagement rings, I sure ain't gonna throw them around, or leave them for him to sell or destroy. Love in Recovery, Becky1
