The material presented
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I've been visiting here on and off for a while now. I have an AH. I've been to f2f meetings in the past, but they are hard for me to get to for a number or reasons, including my little guy! My AH has been "dry" since October. In front of me anyways. As I am sure some of you know, that's not always the be all and end all of answers. Before it was easy to pinpoint the problem. His being wasted and Jonesin' for booze and weed all the time was difficult to deal with. Everything was always about the party. How could he work a buzz into the deal? That was annoying. BUt he was always a pretty happy drunk/stoner. Now, he's miserable. He's hard to be around. He has zero enthusiasm about life. He has no friends. He has no ambition. He's careless and irresponsible, which hasn't changed any, but before I thought it was because he was intoxicated all the time. Now....he's careless and irresponsible. PERIOD. He's takes zero accountability. and.... that all trickles down to me.....who has become super enraged, bitchy, nagging, critical, Private Investigator and it's ruining me. Most often, I can't stand myself, because all I am is angry, angry, angry. Angry. Man o man. I thought his sobriety would be the answer at first. But I think I dislike him even more now. I'd decided that I wouldn't drink either. I don't have a problem with alchohol but certainly used to enjoy a glass or two of wine on occasion. We used to have great conversation and save the world sort of talks while we drank from time to time. We don't talk anymore. Ever, About anything. Before he always avoided anything heavy...he hates confrontation. He likes to live in a delusional world of excuses. But before we used to have great conversations. Now we got nothing. He's gone to one maybe two meetings, but although he says it's circumstantial that he doesn't continue them, obviously he just doesn't want to. He does nothing else with his time except play violent video games all day, so I'm sure he could squeeze in a mtg. My synopsis is that the violent video games is his new "drug" to which he can hide in and not have to deal with reality.
But more about me... i've become someone I don't like. I've tried to focus only on me....live my life for me....bask in the occasional glory of our relationship and make that enuf....but I get caught up. Like, after the millioninth time of asking him to relock the door when he comes in from his afternoon shift and him not doing....I flip out. This drags up all my disappointments I have in his non-chalant, irresponsible nature of not caring about the safety of our family...etc etc.
or.. why do I have to remind him he needs to get an oil change a million times before I end up taking it in because of fear of the engine blowing up, it costing a fortune and ultimately affecting me and our household. Or...that he needs to refill his cholesterol medication perscription...because again....his dieing of a heart attack...is ultimately going to affect me. Or that I had to take him off our bank accounts.....cuz his spending was sending us into a financial frenzy..ultimately affecting me... which he goes out and gets himself a line of credit and credit card, and now is going more and more into debt as he uses that money for things that he doesn't really need....which the only reason he can do that is because many years ago, I helped him out of debt and helped him to reestablish credit.
I know you all on here know that the story is endless. These are just a few examples. I am fed up. I am fed up of having to play the game. I do try so hard to focus on me, but the realities are that his decisions trickle onto me and my future and the household and our son.
Before having our son, I promised myself that we'd raise our son in a two parent family. That's something that was/is so important to me. Well, now I am realizing that having two parents in the home doesn't necessarily mean that the UNIT is intact. There are many things going on in this home that are not healthy for my son.
If it weren't for my son, for sure my AH would be gone. I can see many benefits for myself in him being gone. But I have a lot of guilt about raising my son in a single parent home. I also don't trust my AH and his decisions while with my son if we were living apart. That says something now doesn't it?
I guess I just feel really confused. I wish I knew the right thing to do. I want to be happy. I want what is best for my son. I want my AH to be happy too.
I want to respect my AH - but he doesn't behave in a way that is respectful and so I lash out thinking this will spark in him a change or something and a desire to do better...but it doesn't at all. It hurts him. Makes him sad and angry adn shut down.
I want to love my AH - but he is shut down and angry and ....impossible for me to love.
I am floundering... so lost in not knowing what to do.
Hi Rora , I assume your husb isn't going to meetings for himself , but he is sober so u can get to meetings and leave your son with him and know he will be safe. at least one of you can choose sanity . Sobriety is not the answer to all our prob as your finding out , staying sober is tough ,your anger is normal but u need support from people who understand your dilema you will find them in al anon rooms . I hope u find the time to go do it for you. your worth the effort
Again, welcome to MiP. I would like to share with you a few things that really helped me when I started out here. All those things that you feel and are driving you nuts can be tamed... there is a better day out there!!!
First, you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, and you can't CONTROL it.
Second, I came to realize that anger was just poisoning everything in my life. Using the serenity prayer and consciously LETTING GO of that anger gave me the ability to think and respond rationally, which led me to
Third, getting my arse to a face to face meeting as much as possible. Picking up the phone and calling those people that I've come to trust and love. And to keep coming back here, where I feel loved, accepted, affirmed, and can receive experience, strength and hope that I desperately needed to START living again.
Cut yourself some slack, and try to remember to take care of YOUR needs - sleep well, eat well, treat yourself to a soothing bath, give yourself some breathing space to get calm. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
much love to you, and keep coming back cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am new to this site and to alanon. I am in the same predicament as you in terms of deciding what to do about my situation with my A and our daughter. My circumstanes a bit different in that he is in jail right now. I don't know how I am going to manage again when he is released. It has been easier to focus on myself in his absence. When I first posted here, I felt pretty desperate. At times I still do, although I think I am having some moments of clarity and most of them have been with the help of this website.
I not only don't trust my A to care for our daughter long enough to go to a meeting (although with him in jail, it is a non-issue at the moment), I also have a hard time asking for help from those I do trust. I pack on multiple levels of guilt. Not wanting to intrude on their life, not wanting to tell where and why I am going to a meeting, and not spending my free time with my beautiful daughter, who has been through it having had her dad completely removed from her life for the past seven months.
I was told to give myself six months. To try to go to as many face to face meetings as possible and to work the program. I have been to three meetings so far. I am trying to work them around the daycare I already have for my daughter, although I have had to ask my mother, who I have to be careful with when asking her for help for other issues!
I have also participated in the on-line chats. In the yellow at the top of the page there is a schedule that has links to those meetings. They are not the most convenient as they are set up right when I need to leave in the am and right when I arrive home in the pm, but I have managed to catch quite a few and actually shared there. Which is progress for me, because reaching out is not my thing!
I also have done a bunch of reading. There is a lot of alanon literature that folks recommend. In addition, I have found books by Melodie Beattie (Codependant No More, etc.) to be really helpful.
You have found a great place for support, so I hope you stick around and keep posting.
WELCOME hehe you are in the right place. Your story is very similar to how I started off here coming to this board. I don't know how old your son is, but mine is 20 months now. We left my ex (we weren't married) a year ago now. I just wanted to say to you that it has made a great difference not living day to day with the A -and it had turned me into a monster, living with him, I'd fly off the handle all the time- I don't love him any more, and we like you described once had a connection, but even when he stops drinking he's still irresponsible. I think if you are arguing in front of your child, like was happening for me, then you have to think seriously about doing something about it. For me I had to leave, my son and his safety means too much to me -in otherwords 'staying together for the kids' doesn't apply to me if staying means him witnessing and learning terrible behaviour and conflict. What I wanted to say to you is that yes, just like you mentioned: being apart means that my ex(A) has my son every weekend and is still the same irresponsible person as he was when we were together and I now have no control over that. Whereas if we were together I would be able to protect my son or look after him. We have been separated a year now and already there have been many occaisions I've gone in and taken my son away because my ex was drinking to excess when he was alone with my son and I couldn't live with myself leaving him there. So that is the trade-off. If I had stayed my son would be witnessing fights and tension and door slamming and worse or I would learn to keep it to myself and I'd loose my mind. I couldn't stay with my ex just to be able to monitor what goes on with my son and keep him protected. It wouldn't last. I really didn't want to leave, I didn't want to be a single mother. I still don't. So I stayed til it got so bad that police started becoming involved and really if I hadn't left I wonder if someone wouldn't have gotten seriously hurt, the tension was that bad. It got to a point before I left that all intimacy was gone, too many nights of backs turned and sleeping on the couch, lies, him hiding alcohol and then getting drunk and being abusive. He used to be a stoner too -and he'd say 'I'll give up the drinking if you let me smoke instead'. I used to want to scream. He'd call and tell his mother that I'm just too much of a hard ass and crazy for giving him a hard time all the time. I felt totally isolated. Don't go for second best, there has to be better than this out there.
I have been in your shoes, I am in your shoes. Life can get better for your whole family. We are not suppose to give advice on this sight, just experience, strength and hope (ESH). Meetings, the message board, and all of the al anon literature are like a treasure chest full of peace and serenity. Gobble it up. Reading everything I could about alcoholism and al-anon was like a lifeline to hope. You can get a lot of literature at meetings or order it here. Read the AA Big Book and go to some open AA meetings.
I know what you are going through. My AH comes in the house, drops his drawers in a pile on the floor and flops on the sofa with the clicker. No concept of responsibility. He is a heart attack waiting to happen. The frustrating part is learning what things to do to protect yourself and what to let him figure out on his own. I have been in the program for over a year and I still have trouble with that. Just think about your motivation and how things affect you. Here is a poem that I saved from this sight that I consult often:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness. which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blam another. It's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and love more.
Welcome to MIP! You will find alot of experience, strength, and hope. I can identify with the part about raising the kids in a two parent family. We find with our A's we have different values. In my case, we raised our 3 sons together and as soon as the youngest graduated my AHsober walked out the door. We have to let of go of alot but we can still find happiness. They tell us to focus on ourselves one day at a time.
I am so sorry you are struggling. Our road as spouses, family and friends of A's can be so difficult. We need to realize that other's actions are out of our control and we can only control ourselves, take control of OUR OWN situation.
Addictions are so tough.....whether it is alcohol, drugs or VIDEO GAMES. I have found that w/my AH (addiction to alcohol & crack), he is just an addictive person. He stayed straight for 6 months (last spring through the fall) and do you know what he told me at the beginning of that straight and sober period? That he knew he had addictive nature and that I had just become his new addictions - hidden meaning - every time he had a craving for crack or felt the pull to fall off of that wagon, he expected me to have sex w/him, to satisfy his craving for one thing he couldn't have with something he felt totally entitled to have at his dispense. I loathed it. He also had the whole video game thing going too. He was GLUED to the video controller. Ridiculous but that is how it is w/him.
This is what I did for myself. I started concentrating on myself and my kids. I sort of pretended like my AH wasn't even with us. I made my plans as if he wasn't there. I bought groceries as if he wasn't there. I LOCKED MY DOORS as if he wasn't there. That way I was sure that the things I needed and wanted done got done. No more depending on someone I couldn't depend on. I took my car to the dealer to have the oil changed. I even learned how to do it myself (in case I decided to tackle that messy job on my own - lol). Now if the AH stepped up to the plate & took care of something for me, GREAT. But if not, no loss for me...I had already planned on taking care of it myself. And in doing all of this, I sort of set my Plan B in motion without even really realizing I was doing it. Now I have my own house, I have trash pick up - (don't want to depend on the AH to take it to the dump), I have my own health insurance for me and the kids & auto too. All of my bills are separate and I just live my life. If and when he chimes in, fine. But I am not banking on it any more. And guess what else, my kids have adjusted just fine to it. They almost have the same attitude. If Dad shows up or gets involved, it is considered a little bonus but if not, well hey, no harm done.
Do what you need to do for youself to find some peace in you life. You deserve it. :) Sincerely, QOD
