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Sorry for all of you out there who are revelling joyously in Valentines. But for me it is a horrible glaring reminder of what I don't have. My ex(A) can be incredibly charming and fun to be with, except for that flaw of being an A. He up until last weekend was still saying he loved me and wanted us to be together and that he didn't want to be with anyone else. Then we got onto the topic of Valentines and he outright said 'I'm never giving you a gift again, for anything -Valentines/birthdays/xmas.. because you smashed all the ones I have given you in the plast' Now, this is true. One time when he came home hours late from work stinking drunk I got so mad and felt so hurt I smashed some really nice things he had given me as gifts and left them on the doorstep. This story repeated several times over next year or so until there was nothing left that he had given me. I just felt like all the good things loose their meaning, with one rude, foul thing he says when he is drunk or with one repeated lie. To me it was a representation of him ripping my heart apart. Tearing our family apart. I don't even love him anymore, and I know he's no good and as long as he is drinking he will drive me crazy. So why did it hurt so much to hear him say he'd never give me a gift again? I told him if he doesn't want to take the risk of giving a gift and or showing his love for me then how can he ever expect me to do the same for him, and trust him again. Then he said 'you're free, I don't want to try to make things work anymore, I'm done'. This hurts SOO much more than if I had just walked away and stayed away. Instead of everytime he says he wants to give things a chance, to go to counselling -my ears pricking up. Now, it's Valentines Day and I feel all stressed out and I'm working myself up with thoughts of him being with a co-worker -because he's suddenly moved on from me. Why am I doing this to myself. I thought I could just write him off and never think about him again because it hurt too much. I almost wanted him to just leave me alone and when he does I feel used. What's the matter with me!
I used to call it the push-pull game. The minute I showed vulnerability to the ex A was the moment he pushed me away, then I learned I couldn't show vulnerability so I became a brick wall and he would pull me toward him all the more. Crazy stuff it was. He pushed me away over a year ago, but he pushed so hard I never went back. It was a vicious cycle for me and I knew it was too unhealthy for me to continue. I'd rather be alone than sick with someone. It took a while in Alanon, but I enjoy time to do my own thing. My best friend went through the same exact thing for five years. He would not come home until 4 am and would be drunk. She almost wound up in a pyschiatric hospital. I started giving her tools I learned in Alanon to help herself. She went to a therapist, joined a gym, made new friends, and turned her life around. A year and a half later, she is married to a wondeful man.
I went to the flower shop last week to order flowers for my mother. The owner asked me if I would be getting flowers for Valentine's Day. I told her no. She replied, "Well, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands." So Mama, maybe you should treat yourself to a loving Valentine's Day from you. These are just ideas, so take what you like and leave the rest. LOL How about some rose petals in your bubble bath with candles burning and soothing music? How about a really nice dinner with something to splurge on? How about a massage, manicure, and pedicure? How about a new hairdo? How about volunteering your time to visit the elderly, homeless, or children?
I will say a prayer for you. Happy Valentine's Day. <<<Sending a big hug your way>>>
I was thinking the same thing about valentines... So here's what I did... I thought of my best friend in Washington who also has no man and would not be getting anything and how she must feel too she's been single a lot longer than me. So I ordered some flowers for her from a "secret admirer" and had them delivered. She's probably still trying to figure it out since we haven't talked in a few weeks. Also, I went to the dollar tree and bought a bunch of bath stuff and a basket and balloons and fake tulips (my favorite) and made myself a basket with exactly what I would want in it! Then I brought the balloons to work. I felt I needed to remind myself that somebody loves me and I really don't need a man! The sweetest thing though was that my 5 year old son found a quarter the other day and went to the candy machine at the store and bought a ring and came over and said this is for you mama, happy valentines day! What a GOOD BOY!! I'm training him right for some woman someday!!! I thought that was the cutest sweetest thing that a five year old would buy his mom a ring rather than candy for himself!
It's interesting that you bring this up, NZ. I was meditating last night how difficult a time I've had with Valentine's Day, or any "couple's event" in the past. These kind of holidays always make me look at my left hand and wince. I remember so vividly how it was that, for quite a long time, I thought the only value I had as a woman for for sex. I remember being absolutely aghast when my sponsor described how this kind of thinking will keep me miserable because it means that I defined myself by who I was with, how much I was "getting some," and if I was "getting any." I was even more shocked to realize that the relationships that were examples in my family were not necessarily "marriages;" I genuinely believed that a woman's role in the house hold was on the one hand to be a sex object while on the other to be a bread winner. I genuinely thought that a marriage was defined by a woman and a man fighting till blood spouted, then having the *loudest* sex imagineable. (Made for some, ahem, interesting nights...) So, when I'm doing my 4th step, and I'm detailing what my "sex ideal" would be, the person that, in my wildest dreams, I would have as a partner, I of course wrote down explicit and sexual characteristics. Thank god for a good sponsor, who explained that this was a key of my low self esteem--my in ability to honestly look at myself as worthwile would plague me until I got up the courage and the willingness to do so, seperate from a guy. As time went on, and I saw things I liked in myself, I wrote down these things I wanted in a partner--thoughtful; creative; honest; direct. As I continue to get to know myself better, I continue to write down these things as traits I would like to see in a partner. So, imagine my joy when I saw, and met!, someone that fufilled my desires as the "sex ideal." Then imagine my kinda feelings when I realized that I, deep down, still had a long way to go before I felt safe enough in my own skin to share it with someone else. THAT was humbling! I'm really glad you shared your story, NZ. PLease keep posting.
Hi mama nz, If it helps to know you are not alone, let me tell yah, your not! I have gone through that roller coaster of emotions the entire time I have been with my A boyfriend. Well, this valentine's day he is in jail. You would think I would feel pretty crappy about it, but funny, I don't. I have been let down so many times in the past by him on all the same events you mentioned (valentines/birthdays/holidays). I kept thinking how will I describe that to him when he calls today to wish me a happy valentine's (which may not even happen). I was really working hard at figuring out the exact thing to say to make him "get it". How dumb. I know in my head that nothing I say will make him "get it". My heart is a long ways off from understanding it. I too easily get sucked back into to the hurt feelings of his insensitive actions, even when I pray and have prayed for a long time that he would leave me completely alone. It takes milliseconds for me to feel hurt that he didn't take the time to show me how much he loves and needs me.
So, I decided to take care of me. Monday was a holiday for me, but not for my daughter's daycare, so I took my credit card and got a manicure, pedicure and eyebrow wax that I couldn't afford! Just to spite him:) I took the gift card for the department store that my mother gave me and bought myself a new pair of pjs (she told me NOT to buy something for my daughter). This was hard for me and even though I feel guilty for splurging on myself - it also felt good. I also went to a face to face meeting. Something for me, although, I am still trying to make those work for me.
I am with you on the valentines shmalentines! Try not to let it get you down and be good to yourself. I am hoping that once that comes more naturally to me, I will start attracting healthier people in my life. I hope the same for you, too!
I have been there in the intense reactivity to the A. I can still go there. This week I broke down and argued with him. Today I am not arguing.
Valentines can be a huge huge hook. I can also believe the next one will cure him the fact is nothing will but his own willingness to recover.
Give yourself a break and put the stick down. We can become very addicted to A's. I struggle with love addiciton issuees, the A can be the love avoidant and me the love addict. The more I can name the patterns the less they contol me.
Be nice to yourself today. Valentines can be about self love too. I do not have a romantic love dovey relationship right now. I do not see it as a reflection on me. In time maybe I will get one, maybe I won't. That doesn't mean I am a failure as a person. Maresie.
take a look at my post on New Years Eve.... i was.. where you are now. my "A" did the exact same thing...
said i was the only reason he lived, only person he ever REALLY TRUELY LOVED... etc... blah blah blah.. more lies, more manipulation, more anger, more hurt feelings... more tears (on my side) and end result... ME feeling like shit and all alone new yrs eve. i swore and made a promise to myself that nite taht i would NEVER EVER let hm enter my life again and i haven't.
he can have all the whores he wants and all the oter addicts, he is NOT goin to make me sick along with him.
live life for you................ you deserve to be happy and in a HEALTHY relationship... not one that is screwed up BIGTIME>
.... remember read my new yrs eve post.. i was in bits.... emotionally.
kinda feelings when I realized that I, deep down, still had a long way to go before I felt safe enough in my own skin to share it with someone else. THAT was humbling! 
