The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's weird how since my hubby admitted his alcoholism how i no longer have any trust in him. not trust, as in i'm afraid he'll cheat or anything like that, but trust as in, is he really doing what he says he's doing? Like tonight he said he was going to bed early, and i just didn't belive him. i kept sneaking upstairs to see if he was drinking, looking at all his hiding spots to see if he had any beer in the house, going back upstairs to see if he was drinking. after about 45 minutes i finally stopped going upstairs to check on him. as i was doing this i just thought, wow how did that happen? how did all that trust just get thrown out the window with just 4 simple words-honey, i'm an alcoholic. i hate that. i don't want to always doubt him, to always not trust he's doing what he says he's doing. how do i get past that? i don't want to live like that.
Oh my gosh sweetheart, if your husband admitted that to you that is huge! He obviously has come 'clean' and that is a way to cry out for help. He is not in the denile stage, where so many people with this disease stay.
When someone says "I'm an alcoholic" that is a big step, just recognize it for what it is, without your 'stuff' attached to it...
And find meetings in your area, you will break the chains that bind you, but only you can do it. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
Are you sure the mistrust started when he admitted his disease? Maybe it was there longer than that, and just was too painful to acknowledge. I know for me this was the case. I was so caught up in the chaos, I often couldn't see what was obvious to others.
This is survival, its what we do. We can only handle what we can handle and so if we dont acknowledge something we dont have to deal with it. Then the time comes along when we are stronger, we can deal with it then.
I think for now Minnie you would be wise to look after yourself. You are a special person, and clearly a caring person. Save your energy and be kind to yourself.
The answer to your question and all the others that you will have are in this program. You have to suit up and show up by suggestions to as many face to face meetings as you can in the next 90 days. Show up with an open mind and a willingness to others who will be there and have the solutions and responses to your questions and fears.
You can get solutions here and I have found it better when I can sit face to face with all those who share cause I get to listen and watch. I listen better with my eyes than my ears. Anyhow this ain't about me it's about you. One thing you will come to realize that is just a little bitty part of the answer you are looking for is that you have become more "addicted" to him and what he does and doesn't do (checking up on him is proof especially since he openly confirmed what you have suspicioned for a while) than you realize. If you weren't you would have no need to check. "Now that he's stopped what the heck do I do??" You continue to do the same things you did before he came clean because that is all you have practiced and know how to do until you find the courage to change and people who can support you in doing it with their experience, strength and hope for you and suggestions.
You are just starting off where we all have. In hindsight let me tell you that if you follow thru with faith that your life will get better, you will be in for the must wonderful ride of your life.
I'm so glad you are posting. I met you in the room the other night. Alanon and recovery is a slow gentle process, like peeling back the layers of an onion and as you do, you keep discovery new things that did not seem there before.
Like others, I highly recommend you get to a face to face meeting. They are worthwhile and you are worth it. Here's the preamble and closing from one of my meetings and I think you may see a lot of hope in there.
AL-ANON FAMILY GROUP
Will you join me in a moment of silence, followed by the Serenity Prayer.
GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
We welcome you to the Anon FamilyGroup and hope that you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program.It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity.So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place the problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous), which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives, along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus makes us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meet-ing and member-to- member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is in our mind and hearts for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause.There are no dues for membership.Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
The group conscience requests that all present refrain from gossip, dominance, discussion of religion, treatment centers, other self-help programs, counseling and the use or mention of any material other that Al-Anon conference approved literature.
Please remember that in Al-Anon we keep the focus on us, not on the alcoholic.Thank you for your cooperation in our group effort to stick to Al-Anon principles.
CLOSING
In closing, I’d like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.Take what you liked and leave the rest.
The things you heard here were spoken in confidence and should be treated as confidential. Keep them within the walls of this room and the confines of your mind.
A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long: whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them, too.If you keep an open mind, you will find help.You will come to realize that no situation is too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
We aren’t perfect - the welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you.After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a special way - the way we already love you.
Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.Instead let the understanding, love,and peace of the program grow within you one day at a time.
Will all who care to, join me in the Serenity Prayer?
When I first came to Alanon, everything was so overwhelming. Just the emotional letdown from realizing I wasn't alone or that my problem wasn't as unique as I thought it was was all I could handle.
I kept going though and the metamorphosis of me and my life is incredible as a result. I still keep coming because learned behaviors (39 years worth before Alanon) are very difficult to break especially in a world where we need to survive.
I hope this helps you know that you are in the right place. Keep coming, Keep asking.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
thanks everyone for your help. i don't know what i'd do without this site, i thank god i found it. i don't have anyone to talk about his, my husbands really all i've got, so i'm glad i found somewhere to go and vent. the funny thing with this whole thing is, before he admitted to me he was an A, i didn't go check on him. i've known for a long time what he has finally just admitted to me, but i guess i kind of just brushed it under the rug, you know, like if i didn't think about, or if he didn't admit, maybe he doesn't really have a problem-maybe it's all in my head. but now, now that my suspicions were confirmed, and i realize how bad it really is, i look at things so differently now. i just thought that he drank too much, that it wasn't really affecting anything because he drank alone, here at home. he doesn't get drunk, he just drinks his 12 pack up in the bedroom alone, then goes to bed. but he told me that a couple years back he lost a job because of drinking-i had no idea that's why he left that job. i knew the reason he told me was a lie, but i had no idea it was because he was caught drinking on the job and he chose to resign rather than admit he had a problem and get help. now, even though he's doing the same thing he's always done, i am obsessed with it, i can't get it out of my head. i guess him admitting it just made it real for me, i was in denial a long time. he says he wants to try and stop on his own, with my help, then he hides it from me and sneaks it. when i say anything to him he just gets angry with me. so now, i guess i'll just keep my mouth shut. i mean, i'm his wife, not his mother. why should i have to get after him about his drinking? but, i'm having a hard time letting go of this obsession. thanks for listening!b
I know you have a million questions as we all do when we first come, but believe me, just keep coming back is the best answer. As you read all these posts, you will come to realize you are not alone and the answers come through actually working the 12 steps and face to face meetings in your area and by coming here often for support and learning.
The hardest part for me at first was "listening".... I just knew no one else could understand just where I was so I just kept telling them over and over. lol ...but, but, you don't understand! lol Once I started listening and working the steps I started learning and changing.
So sorry you are going through this, but so glad you are here! Keep coming back!
One of the greatest things I have learned in this program of recovery is
I didn't cause it I can't control it I can't cure it
Your husband may want your help in stopping his drinking, but we, as loved ones, are way to close to help them. The best thing I have learned that I can do to help my loved ones that suffer from the disease of alcoholism/addiction is to dedicate myself to a program of recovery for myself. For me that is Al-Anon.
I hope that you will be able to attend a f2f meeting soon, read some Al-Anon literature, continue posting here & reach out for love & support through recovery friends. Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
Progress not Perfection, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
