The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the last few months I've really been running on only having one friend. That friend was absolutely there for me in November when the A did one of his characteristic meltdowns. I regrouped very very quickly and started to make concrete plans rather than feel totally consumed with the A's meanness, acting out and manipulativeness. That friend really helped me when I decided I had to get a job change in November and just keep at the interviews till I got something. As a result I managed to get through a really crucial financial hurdle in January which has given me some hope that eventualy I'd see the light of day out of this situation. I'm still not clear by any means but meeting those bills for once helped me a lot.
Now I've encountered yet another set back along the way in plan b in that my temporary job ended. I know one of my core issues is to burn people out so I have held back from sharing or overloading my friend anymore. He has his own issues with disability, poverty and more. I am grateful for the solace, support and caring he provided but I know not to drain the well anymore. I've been there and done that in the past. In the midst of the crisis of the A's inevitable acting out (that hasn't changed he still lives all or nothing day in day out) I lose sight of planning, actions and clarity. I'm just on a roller coaster ride of reacting to him and his latest catastrophe. And he always has some catastrophe going and it always has to be all about him and his needs 24/7 regardless of me. That's the way he is, always has been and looks like always will be.
One thing that has gone by the wayside is friends. I am very very isolated. Lately I've been able to connect with others again because I've had access to the internet and I've also had some time to spend on it since I'm unemployed. It takes time to make friends and reach out and feel connections. For me there is definitely an emotional aspect to the plan b-ing. I need to have a support network of sorts to see me through the challenges and obstacles I encounter. Right now my goal is to find 5 people. At the moment I have maybe 1 (who I've already come close to burning out) and maybe 1 or 2 more so I need to put some energy into that at the moment because isolation is one of the core issues that keeps me stuck.
I've been sitting here for the last week feeling anger, frustration and resentment that right now I have to deal with another obstacle in plan b. Why me, why now, what is this? Now I realise this may be my HP's way of ensuring this plan b, rather than my other more futile efforts at plan bing will work out in the long run.
I'm in baby steps but I'm back working on it. This obstacle is just one of many and i've already dealt with so many in dealing with the A daily I deal with more than anyone normal could contend with - he is so so selfish!!!! Self absorption is his middle name. I used to absolutely cringe around his mother and now I know its about that the A has the absolutely same traits. He can talk about himself for hours and not even notice what I need, say think. His mother is absolutely the same in so many aspects all there is are her needs, her view point whatever in any situation. Nothing but nothing else exists.
I also have two interviews. The interview I went on last week would really work for me far better than the job I had to leap at in order to pay January's bills. I have to turn it over rather than obsess but in the meantime I'm carrying on with the other things I have on my plate which is isolation and moving out of it so I am no longer as dependent on the A and his actions and lack of actions can't devastate me anymore.
I can relate to your feelings. I too have isolated myself. I have wrapped myself up in my AH to the detriment of every relationship I have. In analyzing myself, however, I have realized that I chosen to do that. It was too hard to pick up the phone and initiate or maintain friendships. I have been working very hard to create new friendships, maintain worthy relationships, and discard unworthy relationships. One thing I have learned, I have to sow the seeds of friendship before I deserve to have a meaningful relationship with someone. I need to be there for my friends before they can be there for me. Burn out is only a problem when all we bring to the table is fire. When you sow the seeds, flowers will bloom! Love & FRIENDSHIP always, BBsteps
It occurs to me to ask - do you go to f2f meetings? A good way to deal with the isolation - you won't burn those people out, and it will leave a less "intense" you for your other friendships.
I am working on the ftf stuff. I know I need it. I just have to organize myself and get out various crises to go. There is always something that comes up. Right now it is unemployment so I have to attend to that for the moment above everything else.
