The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i just need to vent a little. it seems like forever ago that my husband admitted he was an alcoholic, and it was only two nights ago. even though i knew it all along, him admitting it just made it too real. it made me have to really examine our life together, my life apart from him. i've had to confront this problem head on, and it scares me. i think i liked it better when we were both just pretending there was no problem. i didn't realize how much his drinking has affected me, how much it has depressed me. i hate that i don't know how to help him. and i've been told that it isn't my job to help him, but it feels like it should be. why shouldn't i try to help him? but the only way i know how is to nag him to stop drinking. but then i just sound like his mother not his wife. i don't know that i can just ignore his drinking. i'm afraid of what could happen if this doesn't stop. he said he didn't tell me for so long because he was afraid i'd divorce him. i told him i still loved him, that this didn't change that. i said if i was going to leave you for being an alcoholic i'd have done it a long time ago. but i can't see myself staying with him, and living with this forever. i've had so much happen to me in my life, a lot of which he doesn't even know about, and i'm tired of living in a drama. i just want a nice, boring, average life. i don't want there to be drama. and then i remember i'm living in the real world, not a fantasy world. i've been worrying about things my whole life-so much that i had an ulcer when i was 12 years old. i lay awake til all hours of the night with anxiety, i constantly feel anxiety. i can feel eating away at my insides, and i'm tired of feeling that way. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of not being able to stop the anxiety i feel, not being able to stop the sadness. there's been too much sadness in my life, i just want to be happy. can i be happy living with an alcoholic? are things just going to get worse? he isn't abusive when he's been drinking, well not physically anyways. there has been a couple of times where he screamed at me and called me names after drinking. he hasn't cheated on me, he doesn't get falling down drunk. he doesn't go out drinking with friends, he doesn't have any friends. i don't have any friends. all we have is each other. should i worry about his drinking if he's not doing any of these things? will he start doing these things eventually? sometimes i think i could ignore his drinking and not worry about it as long as he is doing it here at home. and he does it up in the bedroom (most of the time) so i don't always know how much he's had. i just don't know what to do anymore. i know that i can't let it consume my every thought like it has the past couple of days. i can't live like that. sorry for rambling, thanks for listening.
Hi Minnie, I have to preface this that I am new to recovery myself. When I felt totally alone and desperate I found this place. I was encouraged to go to face to face meetings and told about the on-line meetings, as well. This was a big step for me...actually reaching out for help! I am glad you posted and am sure that you will find some of the support you need right here in MIP. Everyone that has posted and responded to my posts has helped me with their wisdom. We have all been in your shoes in one way or another. If you are short on friends, I hope you will consider me one!
I'm glad that you feel free to come here and vent. This is the place to do that. In time you'll work out what is right for you. I've been there too with the how can I get out of this or stay in this model. For now I just live it one day at a time. I have found it gets better. I respond less and less to what the A is doing and creating I have faith I can take care of me regardless. I don't worry so much about the "ifs". I have seen people here confront some of the most terrible "ifs" and they have survived. I believe I can too.
Like you I've been very isolated. For years all I had was the A. I put tremendous effort and care into the relationship. The bottom line for me is he didnt. He didn't put much in at all. I took on that burden. These days I make far far less effort. I do what I need for me. If the house is dirty I clean it for me, not him. If there isn't food I buy it for me not him. I had to go through a long long grief and anger part to look at what the relationship was rather than what I wanted it to be. I didn't ever have a partnership I had a dictatorship and I can still have that. Its all him and his issues and mine will always always always be secondary. That isn't a partnership at all. I had to come here and vent a whole lot about it and be "heard" till I could start taking actions.
I am sorry this issue is causing you anxiety. Living with an A causes lots of anxiety you are not alone in that. The three C's help me greatly. The A was an A long long long long before he met me. He has medical consequences from that time.
I also can empathise greatly with having a background in a traumatic childhood. I want quiet, peace,loving and sanity. I've had enough despair and pain. The issue of finding the A, living with the A, staying with the A are very complicated for me. Rescue is huge, loyalty is huge, abandonment is huge.
I hope you'll give yourself the time and space to work out what you need. This room is a goldmine for finding that and a great resource. I am big on resources. I am also big on time and space. Emotional space can be hard to come by when you are living with an A. I try to create it wherever I can.
I am glad to hear that I am not alone. Your story sounds so similar to my own.
Knowing that there is one other person in the world that has walked in my shoes makes me feel a little less lonely a little more hopeful, I hope that you can find some hope too.
I am finding is that my AH has a whole new type of drama as he faces sobriety and learns to work the program. Although I don't know how to deal with this new drama yet, I will take it over the old A drama.
My anxiety eases as I read other posts and remind myself that I am not alone in this struggle and that give me a sense of comfort.
I long for normalcy and the day there is no more drama. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I keep hoping. In the meantime, I hope that you find some of the comfort that I get and the strength to get through today. It is one day at a time for us too.
