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I feel there may be some clarification needed regarding my last post.
Obsession? There is no obsession when it comes to tracking my AH's credit card transactions. Only concern.
1st - I am not tracking him 24/7 or even at home. I do not have a computer at home. So there is NO - ZERO - neglect towards my kids!!! They are my utmost TOP PRIORITY EVEN BEFORE MYSELF - ALWAYS!! My 13 year old & my 4 year old are relatively happy right now. As this disappearing on my AH's part is and always has been a common occurance, my kids are used to it. My 4 year doesn't even question it. Everything is as it should be as far as she is concerned. Now my 13 year old knows EXACTLY what is going on. I leveled w/him last winter when I saw how my AH's behavior was tearing him up. And as far as talking about where his dad is - I tell him he is at his friend's house doing what he does and he will turn up eventually. My son also knows of the plan to file for separation. He doesn't want it but understands it.
2nd - When I go to work & log on to the internet to do some work, I simply log onto the bank to see what activity has been reported. I spend about 5 minutes total doing this (telephone dial-up is so slow). Then I log off and forget about it for the rest of the day. I don't pay attn to the amount withdrawn....only the dates. All this does is allows me to feel confident enough that he is still ALIVE!! If I didn't see transactions for a few days and still had no word of him.....I would assume he was in a bad place & possibly alert the police of his disappearance.
Clear & Simple - I am NOT obsessed about my husband's addictions. A year ago - yes, maybe. I didn't understand it and wanted to learn as much as I could about it. I tried to control his addictions, limiting his access to money, making him report to me on a constant basis so I would know exactly where he was, when & with whom. NOW - I am a different person. STRONGER, braver and honestly I could care less how much crack he smokes. Hell, smoke it up.....whatever makes him happy or so he thinks. I know what I am doing. I am taking care of me and the kids. I have gotten us a new house to live in and I am taking care of MY bills. All of our needs & some of our wants are being met. We are doing ok & will be ok. I am going to let my AH's family worry with him....I love him but I am done being his cushion. I will help where I can but I am not going to let his recovery or lack there of consume me......or my kids. We have a life to live and I am ready to get on with it.
I hope that explanation has helped some of you understand my situation a little better. Thanks again for all of the positive reinforcement, the love, the caring that I feel from all here at MIP. I feel truly blessed to have found this new family.
I think it's totally okay to do what you feel you need to do to feel you know what's going on with you and him, you don't have to justify or clarify yourself to us or anybody else. I went over to my ex (A)'s place last weekend, for example, because I had the hunch and I had to see for myself if he was drinking again while my son was there. Some would say that it's not my place, that I'm still trying to have control. Really, what it comes down to is it's okay to test the waters or check to see where things stand. I once said to a counsellor, why do I keep calling him, I always end up feeling like cr*p afterwards, but I feel like I can't stop myself. He said just keep doing it then and don't beat yourself up over it, because at least you are learning something. You are checking to see if this time things might be different. Now you know they aren't. It might hurt, but it's still leading you closer to making a decision or letting you know where you stand.
That said, I read your posts and I feel you are doing great under the circumstances. Better than most actually.For crying out loud, this man went missing-drugs or no drugs- you're worried. If checking his credit card is a way to know he is alive, so be it. I see no harm in checking it, I think it is smart-it settles your mind for the moment- and let's face it, when married to an alcoholic/drugs/whatever-we are always hopeful they will recover-but they can't if they are dead. Couple that with the worry of maybe having to tell your kids their father didn't make it this time. That in no way is obsessing about his addiction. It is concern for his life,big difference. You are working and taking care of your kids. You are taking take of you and that is what "we" are about.
We have all been in similar situations, but we have not walked in each other's shoes or stood in each other's skin. I read the strength in your posts, it is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Your family is in my prayers.
